http://www.mindistortion.tv/pocketemo/?data=8-1-7-2-0-1-1-0-1&name=ZackyXCore

Oh god, its been so long. I'm officially worse than Jade... as sad as that is. Nothing new really. Have my lip pierced. Umm still working at good ol' Target. I bought a Zen. I'm adding music to it now as we speak but it's taking forever for some reason. I'm still single but that's nothing new. Umm yeah, that's it. I'll try to update more often.

And yes I know, I suck at updating but it's not like anyone really reads this.

And if someone actually does, then comment! Pwease? *puppy dog eyes* Haha

Today was a good day. It started out kind of sucky with me sleeping through my alarm up and almost being late to work. But once at work, it was fairly good. It was a very, very slow day. We only had a few customers so it was nice and easy. After work, my dad and I went shopping and I got myself some soymilk, fruit rolls, mascara and eyeliner. Then when I arrived at home, Mike called me. He wanted to hang out and we took a hell of a time trying to figure out what we should do. Eventually we decided to just hang out at his house until we think of something better. I called Bryan to see if he wanted to join us but he said no because he was reading the new Harry Potter book. I asked him if Harry Potter was more important than his friends were and he said yes… Loser. This is coming from the kid who reads a single book every couple years. Oh well, I changed out of my work uniform and waited for Mike to come pick me up. When he showed up at my house he informed me that on the way to my house he had gotten in a fight with his dad and he stopped the car and got out to walk the rest of the way to my house, leaving his dad in the road. So we decided to walk the two miles to the bus stop and go to the mall. Well while we were leaving I decided to see what my dad was doing. Eventually it led to me asking if he was willing to drive us both to the Tacoma Mall (a much better mall). He agreed. I was excited because that meant that I could go to a Hot Topic. When we got there, we turned the corner, literally and walked a couple feet to the Hot Topic. It is like a magnet. Well anyway, I walked past the cds and usually I don’t bother looking because they are usually expensive but I did and I saw that AFI’s The Art of Drowning was on sale! I bought it right away. I’ve wanted this cd for a year now. I was excited. We walked back and forth through the mall. Mike and I checked out people. There were barely any teenagers at the mall so finding attractive people was hard. Though we saw this really hot milf. And later there was a cute boy working at Hot Topic. Mike saw a few hot chicks, I thought they were alright. This chick glared at me. What else? Well later, we went into Spencer’s and I saw this AFI shirt that was on sale for 9.98! I was sort of disappointed because it was a new design and I didn’t really like. Then next to it I found a Bullet For My Valentine shirt. Mike was smart and took the sale sticker off of the AFI shirt and put it on the BFMV one. So instead of paying 19.99, I paid 9.98. Yes, I fell terrible about ripping off a fellow AFI fan that now has to pay 19.99 for that AFI shirt but… it’s not their best design. I mean, red sparkles? So now I have a BFMV shirt! Yay! I was going to buy this amazing plaid skirt from Hot Topic but I figured it was too much. I would have bought if I weren’t saving my money for Warped Tour. Oh well, it was still a good day AND I finally have a version of A Story At Three that doesn’t have annoying loud pops in the middle of the song. The album art is also amazing as I already knew but now I actually have the art in my hands. My new shirt is also very soft and I am going to wear it at the Rise Against concert tomorrow. Like I said, good day.

OMG! I almost forgot to meantion that I asked Hot Topic if they were having a listening party for Blaqk Audio and they are! I'm so excited!

I haven’t made an entry in awhile so here is one but sadly it won’t be a happy one. Now I have been trying to be happy lately and I would have to say, I succeeded. I mean I felt happy and things seemed to be going for me. But I guess nothing has really changed underneath it all. I guess I can only cover it up for so long. I guess my cover up time has shortened dramatically. I held it in for so many years and then when I hit high school it all started to unravel and I couldn’t cover it up anymore. Those were dark times and over these last couple months I realized that I had gotten too comfortable in that sadness. I had let it overwhelm me and Monica had let me see that. So taking her advice I was happier but I guess it was just covering up the underlying problem and feelings. Now I will be just sitting somewhere and tears will fall down my cheeks and then I start to feel sad. I don’t like it. I don’t want it. It’s like a drug. I know it’s bad but it’s comforting and familiar but I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want it gone. I don’t want to be like that again. I like being happy. I want to have a normal life or at least as normal of a life I could possibly have. I just don’t want the sadness. I’m stronger than that. I know I am. I just need to find a way to fix this. To find out what the main problem is so I can stop covering it up and acting like nothing is wrong. That doesn’t fix anything. It will just cause more problems in the end and probably send me to an asylum. My dad has already threatened to send me to one. I don’t need to give him cause to. I’m so very tired but I doubt I’ll be able to sleep. I have too many tears and too many unsolved feelings. I am trying to get my life on track. I am getting my life started and gathering more stuff to be more independent though I have found that I have gotten scared. I have my own money but a part of me feels like I shouldn’t use it and part of me just want to fall to my dad like I have my whole life. It’s scary. I thought I could do it but I guess my dad was right, I’m not. I’m still a kid that is looking out through a window at the world thinking that I could go out there by myself without holding my father’s hand. And being a teenager, I thought I knew it all and that my dad didn’t know what he was talking about. The fact that he had been in the world for almost 50 years didn’t matter because in my 17 years of life I knew more than he did. Man was I naïve. But I should be glad that I realized this now before I had done something stupid.

I think I figured out why I had been so sad lately. I miss my mom tremulously… and I hate it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to care. I don’t want to think about this.

Written a couple weeks ago...yeah I'll get better, I swear, lol.

Today it actually hit me how much I love AFI. I mean I was worried there for awhile that they didn’t really mean as much as I thought they did but now…now I know they are so close to my heart. I was watching a bonus feature on I Heard A Voice and Davey was talking about the lyric "One at a time, constants become surreal. One at a time, heart attacks are concealed. I can see that I lose the joys of life." and he was talking about losing what you love and while he was talking, tears swelled in my eyes. It just hit me how much they changed my life and how much they mean to me. As I’m typing this, tears forming. It’s hard to explain what they’ve done. I can’t remember what it was like without them and I can’t imagine what it will be like without them. Oh my god, I can’t even think that without crying. Throughout the whole interview of all the Despair Faction members and the band, I was getting tears and I knew that I needed to become a member and I know now that I will not regret it. I have a greater urge now to tell them how much they mean to me and how they have saved my life and that I’m forever eternally grateful. I just want to meet them and thank them. They mean the world to me.

I feel like the coolest person alive. I’m wearing my black pants that are loose and have a knife stabbing a heart while it’s bleeding on the front and "Heartbreaker" written across my butt, Mike’s old shirt that says, "You know what your problem is? You’re stupid." and my hair is up in a ponytail with a bandana tied over it. Oh yeah, I’m cool. I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house. That don't bother me. I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out. I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though going on with you gone still upsets me. There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok but that's not what gets me. What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away and never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what I was tryin' to do.Yay Rascal Flatts! They are awesome. Now the song changed to Here’s to Tonight by Eve 6…oooo I should listen to Inside Out by Eve 6, that’s a great song. Man it takes forever to scroll through my songs. Found it! Find nothing but faith in nothing. Ah, great song. Haha alrighty so I found another thing about disliking the term "emo." Really originally I loved the word, it was a fun word and still is sometimes but only with Sophia really. I have nothing against calling the fashion emo because that’s a label, everything has one but the term is almost always used as a negative term and it bothers me. Maybe it bothers me so much because it is used against me all the time. But really it’s not a music genre because emo is in every genre. It’s no longer a genre. There is no song or band that can’t be labeled as something other than emo and that other label would be more specific and true. Like if it’s hardcore, call it hardcore or at least emocore. Genres are suppose to give you an idea of what the music is like but saying emo, you aren’t limiting the sound the band or song might be. Plus the term is broad you can’t even have an idea of what it will sound like.

Written Saturday morning:

The last day of school was interestingly amazing. I wake normally and get ready just like every other school not even feeling like this was the last day of school…well technically it isn’t, Monday is but I mean really, whose going to go to school on Monday to sit in the gym for two hours? No one, that’s who. So anyway I rush out the door with my belt half on, necklace and headphones in my mouth as I’m trying to keep a hold of my mp4 player and put my coat on and did I mention, it’s raining? Well it’s Washington, so yes it is raining. So when I get to the bus stop, I’m half-decent and soon find that the bus drives by and is running late. Like I said, normal day. So when it comes, I get on the bus and Josh turns to me and goes, "You wanna hear Stiff Kittens?" I literally squeal with excitement and hug him while mumbling yes over and over. He hands me the headphones and I make another noise of pure ecstasy. I sat there and when the beat came on I immediately wanted to dance and when Davey’s voice came on, my heart dropped. I started to sing along and Josh game me a weird look."How do you know the words, this is the first time you’ve heard it."I smile with euphoria, "Ohhhh, I’ve known the lyrics for months."Plus I find that he had downloaded songs that I had wanted to hear for awhile. I was in bliss. So I get to school and it’s just a normal morning, nothing important to say. This post is going to be long enough with out telling that. So first class is my 2nd period, English. We already did our final (I got 100% on the 5 essays!) and so it was a free day. Meggs and I talked the whole two hours. I was worried that she was going to do her AP Chemistry summer homework but she actually talked to me, it was nice. We just had girl talk and talked about parental drug use and stuff. So after that I had lunch and I helped Meggs find this chick I hadn’t spoken to in years. Lunch was same old, same old besides worrying about finals. After lunch was my 4th period, Health 2. I had two vocab tests and a 90 question multiple choice chapter test. It was easy. I was thoroughly reminded and I quote, "This is the last time you’ll be able to say, ‘Have a good summer, see you next year.’" I hit her and walked away. I would like to not think about that. After that Megan, Monica, Melissa and I were sitting by a lunch table talking and then we turn to see the huge group surrounding us then we turn to see a fight. This chick was yelling and cursing at the guy and she’s hitting him, going on about not believing him or something. I just walked off to my last class. I talked a bit more then went to take my Algebra 4 final. I was thoroughly worried about this one. It took me the 2 hours but I think I did alright on it, not an A but not a F. After school Monica tells me that she’ll drive Josh and I to Mikes party so we can go straight there. I kept calling Josh to tell him not to get on the bus and on the 6th try, he answers and Mons and I are already two blocks down when he answers. "Hello?""Answer your damn phone!""I was play-""Get you ass off the bus, Monica’s driving us.""Where are you?""Right in front of the bus!"We were not happy about walking two blocks down to walk back then like 5 more to her car. It really didn’t feel like school was over, it didn’t even feel like Friday, it was lame. It still doesn’t really. So we drop Ben off and waited for Ben and Monica’s five-minute good-bye. It takes them awhile. Then we swing by Mike’s, drop Josh off and then go to Monica’s for…girl stuff. She changes and we head back to Mike’s. Soon after, we leave with towels to go to The View. It’s this secluded cliff surrounded by woods. Well we get there and lay the towels down and began playing strip 13. There were teams because it’s only a four-player game. Josh, Bryan, and I were on a team, Monica, Kyle, and Sophia on another, Sarah and Mike on another, and Ian, Ben, and Melissa on the last. I think it shows how often we play this game when before I come to these gatherings I wear my cute underwear. So anyway, we played, we got naked, we got eaten by mosquitoes. Tons-o-fun. We had just finished the last hand when we heard people so we hurried to get our clothes on and left. We returned to Mike’s and somehow I ended up tied to Mike’s nightstand with homemade handcuffs. I was perfectly content and comfortable until they began tickling me. I proceeded to get away and fell off the bed to the floor. They untied me and then we all just laid on the bed and talked. After awhile, Missy, Josie and Bennett arrived. At one point Monica called be onto the roof and Melissa, Monica and I were yelling at Josh and Mike to stop messing around near the edge. They were going to fall and break something and if they didn’t I would break something for them. Then Mike grabbed my arms to get me closer to the edge."Come on, you trust me.""Not with this! Over a rocky ocean is different!"I had let him hold me over this bridge once…yeah I know I’m crazy. Well he stopped and eventually went back inside. Then I was joking around said what if we peed over the edge and onto Monica’s car? She didn’t like that idea so it changed to peeing on Bryan’s car. We went inside and ate some pizza. After that, Bryan asked me if I wanted to try driving his car. I got excited and said yes. So we all walked to the school and drove around in the parking lot. Mike was being a dumb ass and ran in front of the car when I was driving by. I stopped and Bryan and Monica began yelling at Mike. I shrugged and said, "I wasn’t affected one bit by you running past.""And you didn’t stop until after I had ran past."I laughed. "I thought it was best that I did."Monica and Bryan were pretty pissed. I mean who the hell runs in front of a car for one plus on being drive by a first time driver? It is also annoying to be yelled two different things by two different people. And by yell, I mean yell. When I was driving again we hear someone hit the trunk of the car and I get, "Stop the fucking car!" Yelled in my ear and Monica runs out of the car. She proceeded to run after Ian who fell to the grass and Monica began kicking him. We had warned him not to piss her off, she’s menstruating. I just began driving again and Bryan started to get scared and was like, "I’m worried about how confident you are. People aren’t suppose to be this confident this quickly."I laugh and make a quick but smooth right turn. I was having so much fun. He didn’t trust me and once he yelled at me to brake because he thought I was going to hit the curb and that’s when I found out that when you yell stop or brake at me my first instinct isn’t to slam on the brake but to freeze up. I did make the turn, no problem and yelled at him to not do that. But it is understandable. I mean it is his car. Now after driving, I want my permit so bad. The only reason why I haven’t is because I need my dad there and he’s always busy. I mean I’ve read the book like four times. We return to Mike’s and made a fire in the backyard. Somehow we began talking about piercing and we were going to pierce me but we ended up doing Ben’s left nipple. Man he is definitely the most metal now. That looked like it hurt. He had a bundle of two socks in his mouth, it hurt that badly. The first time, Sophia kept slipping because of the melted ice and because the skin was so tough. It was also the first nipple she had pierced. Well after awhile she got the needle through and we kept it in for awhile. She tried to put the ring in but the hole was too small so she stuck a bigger needle in and then a bigger one to gauge it. After that, she slipped the ring in and he had the nipple piercing that he wanted so badly and the piercing his parents will kill him for if they find out. After this we turn to see Melissa kiss Kyle on the hammock and then they made-out for quite awhile. People seem to hook up at Mike’s parties. What’s funny is Bryan and I predicted it. Well we all did various things and then I remembered Sophie had proposed to me a couple days earlier and because Kyle was a satanic priest, we had him marry us. Sophie and I stood by the fire as everyone circled around the fire. "Bastards, bitches and Bryan-""Hey! Why is it always me?""Because you’re republican, Bryan." Kyle turned back to us. "We gathered her to unite these two in unholy matrimony.""This isn’t Illinois." Bryan and his republican comments, haha. Kyle just continued on. "So I called Satan up and was like, ‘Hey what’s up?’ and he said, ‘Skinning fish.’ so we were skinning fish-""Wait!" I said and ran and grabbed Josh’s phone. I turned it on and began playing Kiss and Control by AFI. I had Ian hold the phone."This is our song. It is totally a love song." I laugh. "Okay continue.""Okay so Satan and I were killing fish-""Wait, shut up! These are our vows."We waited a few moments and then in unison, Sophie and I said, "We all want to die like movie stars you said as you jumped from the height of our cutting room floor. While above us, glowing, exploding, our dreams burst forth in light, in death. Hold me and tell me we’ll burn like stars, we’ll burn as we fall. Watch as city lights dance for us!"We smiled and Kyle continued. "Alicia do you take Sophie to be your semi-lawfully, semi-faithful wife. In sickness, in health, in post- apocalypse, in AIDS, and of Gonorrhea of the eye?""Totally McGee!""How gangster. Sophie do you take Alicia to be your semi-lawfully, semi-faithful wife. In sickness, in health, in post- apocalypse, in AIDS, and of Gonorrhea of the eye?""Yeah."Sarah then placed the handmade handcuffs on us. I turned to Kyle."Okay?"He then said something in German, which I took as an equivalent as ‘kiss the bride.’ So I flung the strap of the handcuffs over her head, around her neck and hugged her. It took us awhile to untangle ourselves and then I turn to Sarah and told her that I had to pee really bad. So Sarah, Sophie and I went out front to Bryan’s car. Sarah and I then proceeded to pee on Bryan’s right front tire. Later Sarah and I told Bryan to sit down, hugged him and told him we peed on his car. He was shocked that we actually did it and then peed on Sarah’s car. After that the people started filtering out as it was getting later and people were going home. I gave Bryan the massage I owed him and then by this time it was almost midnight and I figured I should be heading home so I go a ride with Mike’s brother. Before I left, I congratulated Kyle, telling him he snagged the hardest person alive. Melissa’s longest relationship was like 3 days. Mel doesn’t really like people and pretty much doesn’t do relationships. If they are still together in a week I’ll be surprised. When I got home and told my dad about Mel and Kyle, my dad says, "I always thought Melissa was a good little Christian girl." I almost laughed. My dad thinks Melissa’s a good little Christian girl?! Haha, yeah right. It was a good day though it feels like I still have cool. Ben, Monica, Sophie and I are going to school on Monday for a moment to drop off books they forgot and then we are going to skip and go do something. Somehow it was dumped on me to figure out what to do… I have no idea. Well I have two days to figure it out…

I feel nauseous and I miss Sophie. We have been together since 3pm Friday and she just left...sad.

My mouse is bugging the hell out of me. It is sticking and been a pain. So story time! We all know you enjoy this, haha. Dang it! My notes on buzznet isn't working either! That's retarded. I think my newest peircing is healing quite well unlike the last one. It hurts a little still but not so much that I can't rub my finger over it which I love doing. I love the feel of the metal. Oooo Kiss and Control! Me sign! "We all want to die like movie stars," you said as you jumped from the height of our cutting room floor. While above us, glowing, exploding, our dreams burst forth in light in death. Hold me and tell me, "We'll burn like stars, we'll burn as we fall." Watch as city lights dance for us! That part is so hard to sign. Man. Oh yeah I was gonna tell you a story wasn't I? Nothing from no one, I'm no one at all. Amazing line. Okay so story. Our story starts on Friday at like 7 p.m. I'm skipping Firday, it can screw itself, lol. If I had went to the memorial assembly I wouldn't skip it but I had to take a math test instead...so no, I'm not talking about the gun salute I missed and the wonderful assembly I couldn't go to, I'm bitter. So Monica calls and asks if I still wanted to hang out and I say yes. Though our orginal plan was to go see Pirates 3 but I didn't have any money so we were gonna go on Monday. Okay so she picks me up and our plan was to go visit Melissa and then spend the night at my place. (I just litterally got soaked taking my clothes out of the washer. Geez I might have to do two cycles in the dryer. I don't know why they were so wet. I think I need to change my clothes, I'm cold.) Okay so we visit Mel and end up going to Mons to play twister. Twister was awesome. Omg I am amazing. We were playing and Mel was like, "Right foot red." So I flip my leg over Monica's back and then she falls. Oh it was awesome. I did not know I could bend that way, lol. Then we were like, "Let's play Sexyback." So we went to youtube and played that. We started dancing dirty to the song and we were gonna video tape it and put it on youtube 'cos we made an account but Ben called and asked if we wanted to go see Pirates. So I borrow 3 bucks from Mel and we go to the movies. We messed around for an hour before hand and then watched it. It was a great movie, I liked it. Afterwards we convinced Mel to spend the night with us but we couldn't stay at my place because of things *coughkathiewasbeingabitchcough* so we stayed at Mons. We got back at almost 2 in the morning. Melissa crashed and Monica and I followed soon after. On Saturday, Monica and I had plans with Bryan to teach him to dance. He cannot dance to save his life. It's not that he doesn't know how to, it's that he can't. Mel doesn't want to come so we drop her off and head to Mike's because there is no other place we could go to to dance. Mike's parents left for like a week or something. So we go over and Monica trys to teach Bryan to dance while Mike and I watch. It was special, Bryan kept acting like Monica was poison, he kept leaning back away from him. After we did that for awhile we played the wii for awhile then we decided to play strip 13 which for some odd reason I lost horribly at. I was the first one naked, which is a first, usually I'm one of the last. We got to a point where Mike and Bryan got the idea that if you're naked and you're the one who loses then you have to do something...damn them...once I had to run around the house. I ran into the wall and cut my arm. It was funny though, I was sitting thinking about what card to play and Monica goes, "Think about losing points, he only has one card left." I turn to her and go, "I'm already naked!" Haha it was funny. So Monica was the last to get naked and I won back my underwear like 3 times. Bryan is so weird! He took off his boxers before he took off his socks. Who does that? I want to know what Bryan has against his feet. He won't even tell me if it's a good reason. He freaked out when I mentioned them. Bryan tried to freak me out and I laughed at him. He hugged me while we both naked. Haha he's a loser. He put his clothes in the freezer when he went to the bathroom, lol. Afterwards we just walked around for awhile in our underwear and bras (if you were a girl, lol). Umm what else did we do? Oh Mons left to see Ben and Bryan and I played Pokemon on Nintendo 64, yeah we're cool like that. Oh I forgot to mention, we were in heels and short skirts and we left earlier in the day to go to the store and while we were getting in Mons' car, Bryan went out to lock his car 'cos when we had first arrived we went through the sunroof of his car and broke in, lol. So we left and when we were at the store we got checked out. Haha yeah so after the pokemon game Mons and I went back to her place. I spent the night again where we watched The Emperor's New Groove. "Yay, I'm a llama again!...wait." Haha. So on Sunday, we woke up and I took a shower and then I did my hair which I left curly. That is the first time I've left the house with curly hair besides camping since I was in 7th grade...yeah I sorta like it. I think I'll do it curly once in awhile. So we did our nails and may I say, I think they look awesome, lol. Then we went to Old Country Buffet and I'm still full from it and that was 7 hours ago. Monica bought a punching bag, lol. We were sitting in her room trying to get it out of the box then we were sitting on it and listening to No Secrets, then Britney Spears, then Micheal Jackson, then The Jackson 5, then Ashlee Simpson, then Christina Agauilra. Yeah we are amazing, lol. Then Monica dropped me back home where I proceeded with changing into my black lounge pants and a black sweatshirt and then I mowed the lawn. I like mowing the lawn, I know I'm a freak. I'm a badass at mowing the lawn. I did an amazing job. The backyard looks so good. So tomorrow Monica and I are suppose to hang out and we are going to get our eyebrows threaded. It's where they use this thread to take the hairs off instead of with tweazers. Yeah so it should be fun. I needed to fix my eyebrows. It will be my first time ever doing anything with my eyebrows, I hope they don't screw them up. I'm about to watch the video for Not Good Enough For A Cliche by Escape The Fate. It just got done...let's see if it's any good, shall we? Hmm it's an alright video. I love the lead singer's pants, I want them and his coat looked good on him...I would also do him, lol. He has pretty hair. My stomach hurts...

No human being can deny the fear of the unknown. We are all a victim of it. And the biggest fear is of the unknown after death. Yesterday a friend and I got into a discussion about religion. It wasn’t a debate but merely a friendly exchange of each other’s beliefs, which ended being similar. Though once a deeply founded Christian, I am no longer one at all. I wasn’t all too sure of my faith in the first place and now I see all the flaws and the things I smoothed over so I could follow what my family so desperately wanted me to follow and the things I forced myself to believe, to deal with my fear of the unknown after death. Now I look back and wonder why I ever did that. Even back then I would have moments of disbelief but I allowed the teachings to fool me to think that that was just human nature and something pushed me to force myself to believe. One thing I just couldn’t get myself to believe was the New World, the place after Satan was banished forever in the bottomless pit. Even heaven bothered me sometimes. How odd is it to hear someone say that the thought of heaven bothered them? I tried to believe but though I pretended, that part, I could never believe or wanted. I remember sitting in church, in a pew right near the front and learning about after the Tribulations and the New World and the New Heavens. I remember everyone besides me sitting there in wonder and excitement over such a wonderful happy place where lions and lambs laid in fields together. It seemed like I was the only one who thought that that seemed like a horrible, boring place. I felt horrible thinking that that would be a boring place. Heaven also seemed boring to me not that hell appealed to me either. But who would want to go to a place that was always perfect, where everything went right?
I have always been a firm believer in aliens. There was no possibility in my mind that we were the only life in an universe that was supposed to be endless. I couldn’t fathom how God had made this endless universe and on our tiny planet was the only life. Also the thought of this universe being endless made my mind scream. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the thought and if there was an end, what was past that end? My human mind cannot grasp this concept. Sometimes it is too hard to think of for fear that I will go insane trying to understand the idea. I could never really believe in an all-powerful being ruling over us. Things seem too flawed for that. I never understood if there was an all-powerful deity looking over us, why things were the way they were. If they had this all this power why didn’t they fix it? If they had an enemy why not just smite him? Thing were just to flawed for me. We look back on the Greeks now and laugh at the things they believed in but look at us now, we are no better than they were. Maybe I like the Greek deities so much because they weren’t perfect, they each had their flaws. I can see things being controlled by a mystical force more than an entity itself. Something that causes things to happen but that doesn’t have that deity-like status. I see this place and life as just one level or plane. I don’t know what happens exactly after this life but I don’t believe this is the end. I could never be an Atheist. To believe that there is no magic in this world, that it is all just science and that when we die, that is it, nothing happens. What would be the point of living? Life would be so pointless. Why make memories when we are just going to die? Also what happens to my spirit then? I can’t wrap my mind around this concept either. What would happen to me? Like my spirit, to not be anymore…it’s one of the most frightening things. I know for a fact that we have a spirit, there is no doubt in my mind. It’s more than just science. Science makes our bodies work but what makes the difference when we die? You could push a point in the arm of a dead man and his eyes would open and you could touch another spot and make his leg move but what is it that makes this man dead? You could get his heart to beat again but he would still be dead. You might be similar to you parents but people are their own person. Why? Again I will go back to that mystical force. And by the beliefs of Atheism, there was the Big Bang that started it all but what was before it? Where did this little condense material come from in the first place? Atheism just doesn’t seems right, there is just too many unexplained things.
We all find our ways of comforting our fear of the unknown whether it’s with Christianity, Atheism or whatever belief you might have.

My whole life I have been a music fanatic, an underground one until recently. I never realized how much I did cherish music until I got into high school. And because I had lost almost all my childhood memories, I was worried that my recent obsessive music lover personality was fake. Over these last few months I have been gaining some of my lost things back including some memories and pieces of my personality and I’ve realized I have always held music in a special part of my heart. Through it hasn’t been as big as it is now (Thanks to AFI), it was still important to me though I didn’t realize it. Like I remember being a small child, I mean young, really young and wanting to learn to play the harp. I remember dreaming of being like one of those mystical people playing the harp and musing people. (Yes I know I used that in the wrong context but this is my story and if I want to use musing in the wrong context, I will). Seeing a harpist in a movie would make me flip. I also wanted to be a dancer but that’s a whole different story. Soon after that I got my hands on this small cheap keyboard and played the batteries out of that thing. That’s where my love of piano music and the song Green Sleeves came from. I remember being on my porch in the sun playing my keyboard all by myself and then I would push the little button on it and just sit there and play Green Sleeves with it. Imagine an enthusiastic little kid with a keyboard in their lap, hitting the keys with such vigor and a head moving back and forth like the thing a conductor holds and that was me when I was listening to Green Sleeves. Actually I still do that but without the keyboard and don’t get me started on what I do when I hear Beethoven’s Fifth. Now keep in mind I didn’t actually know how to play a single song on that keyboard just loved to mess around and make my own songs. Later on when somehow I lost my life on that keyboard, I found new life in hearing my neighbors and best friends playing their piano. Oh man, I loved hearing them play and longed that I had a talent like that. They taught me a few songs that I can still kind of play if my memory is on my side. That didn’t last long though because we were young and had better things to do like playing witches and making various useless things but again a whole another story. After this is a period where either I didn’t have a musical desire or I don’t remember it. So the next crazy instrument I wanted to learn was the drums. Haha that was a fun one. Now I thought this desire was more of a secret one but I guess my dad knew about it so I must not remember some of the stuff I did during this period or before. I don’t think this period lasted long though it came back. So like about 80% of teenagers, I wanted to play guitar. This one hit hard, hard enough for me to convince my parents to buy me my acoustic beauty that though I don’t know how to play, I love dearly and have thrown out curses when I thought someone scratched her and then more when I found their filthy fingerprints on her lovely polished front. I fell into that for months where I would practice everyday out of the booklet it came with. I was learning the little practice songs out of it. I never knew about the tabs I could get online for the songs I loved so I was stuck with my little booklet. I’m not sure what really happened but overtime I didn’t play as much and then my parents were getting a separation and I lost my book and then my love barely saw the light out of her case. I tried to play every once in awhile where I would just strum and play the practice song I still remembered but without the book and playing the same simple thing over and over I would get bored and put her back in her case. Though I never let her gather dust. I didn’t really ever play her but I still loved her with some deep passion I couldn’t explain and still can’t. Soon I sort of lost any hope of me learning to play and took up singing. Through I have no previous memory of wanting to be a singer, I have a feeling that I had one before. The want of becoming a singer was subdued in me, hidden and buried under many layers of stage fright. I never really told anyone but I loved to sing. I had no thought of joining choir but with a push from Monica, I did. I found it mediocre, I learned a lot and people said my voice was better but there was one thing I hated, I dreaded. I couldn’t stand the tests. I just couldn’t do them. I remember my first one. I was shaking and freaking out. With the tests you had to stand in front of the class with one person from each of the other sections. So that means two other people and me and we had to sing our parts in the song we were learning. So though I was standing up there with two other people, I was still pretty much singing by myself. Oh man they scared the crap out of me. The first time, when it was my turn, I went up and tried to breathe. I was shaking with fright and started crying. It was awful. I can’t remember fully what happened after that but I just stood up there and sung the song while I was crying. I can’t remember why but she sent someone up there to help me and sing with me and because of that I got the lowest possible grade. I think it was my friend that went up to me and I remember afterward they hugged me and held me and told me it was okay. I felt awful and like such a loser. After that test I knew it wasn’t for me but I stayed in choir for the rest of the semester with a little push from Monica. So the next test I swore I would not cry. I swore on everything that meant anything, I would not cry. I don’t remember practicing on anything so hard in my life. I knew the song backward, frontward and every other way. I sung it to my friends and the people in the halls. I knew the song. So when it came to the day I told myself I would go first because you get to go again if you mess up if you go first. Well I tell myself that someone got up there before I did but really I chickened out. So I ended up going third or fourth. I was a little frightened but I told myself I knew the song and would have no problems. So I was singing and singing and I sung my solo with no problems but when the others came back in to join me something happened and I lost my place. So I stopped singing and searched frantically for my spot and right when I found it and was about to continue singing, the teacher sent someone down to help me. So again I got the lowest grade. I was pissed to say the least. I knew the song so well. I tore myself up for making such a stupid mistake. I never did get better than that lowest grade. It was different singing in front of them. They knew music. They would know if I hit the wrong note, if I went flat or if I went sharp. They could pin point my mistakes. I was starting in the middle of the year and knew absolutely nothing. Plus most of them had already been in a choir for 4 years prior. Then there were the concerts. That feeling, that feeling was ecstasy. The feeling of being on that stage was magical. It was amazing, it was great. My first concert possibly one of the worse things that could possibly happen for a frightened first timer, happened. I fell on my face in front of the whole crowd. Yep, that’s right I fell on my face. Scraped my knees, legs and hands up. I had got my dance shoes the night before and it was a rule that we couldn’t walk outside in them so the bottoms were still completely smooth and when I got up to walk up to the stage, I turned the corner and fell on my face and hands. And it was on camera. I simply jumped back up and tried to hold back my laughter. When we got on the risers half the choir was laughing and the other half was mumbling, "Are you okay?" to me. I shook it off and acted like nothing had happened. Later I almost cried from embarrassment but shrugged it off. The ecstasy of the stage swallowed me and I was too happy to let anything get to me. That night I slid on every sidewalk I past and scuffed up the bottoms, there was no way I was going to fall again. The next concert I joked saying that I was going to fall off the top of the risers and through I almost did, I didn’t and again had a blast. The feeling of the stage is nothing I have ever experienced before and something I will never forget. Through I quit choir, that feeling is what keeps the desire to be a singer still in my heart. After this the desire to play the drums slightly came back but a big wave of desire for guitar came back. I picked up my love and tried to learn to play On the Arrow by AFI for hours. I only stopped because my fingers were cramping and I couldn’t hit some cords. One spot I looked at though and literally said, "What the hell? My fingers don’t go that way!" Though I’m sure it’s a very simple song, it will be my first and so I find it hard. So I asked anyone I knew that might play guitar to help me and with no help I kind of abandoned it and here I am now. I was talking to my grandma yesterday and I was telling her about playing guitar and all of this and stuff and she tells me that she thought I sung very well because when I lived with my grandparents, I would sing up in my room all the time. Well she told me that I just need to have more confidence in myself and not to be so self-conscience. So today I find myself working on a song and actually singing the lyrics. And though it’s normal for me to imagine myself on stage singing a cover of a song or actually singing a song I had wrote with my band, I am actually thinking it might be a possibility. I always think of what I would say during interviews and the horrible stardom but the benefits of it like meeting people and making a change. I don’t know, to be someone would be nice. I just had an image of myself singing my song and playing my guitar and recording a video of it and seeing what people thought. It would be nice to feel the ecstasy of the stage again…

So this was my Monday night and Tuesday.

Okay, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first? Wait first I have to say, eww there is pig’s feet in my fridge. Why in this earth do we need pig’s feet? It is a waste of our money and it’s just going to go to waste in our fridge…unless Kathie eats them…and again I just have to say, eww. Okay so back to the news. Well normally you want to hear the bad news first then the good news plus I usually like to go in chronicle order. So bad news first. Okay so our story starts while Monica and I were hanging out and NO MONICA AND I DIDN’T HAVE A FIGHT! Gah if I get asked that one more time, I’m going to rip their throat out. So Monica and I were hanging out and we were going to these places and for around two hours we were hanging out with Adrian, which I only mention because I was skateboarding and I fell and was bleeding. I’m so hardcore like that. Okay so yeah after that we went to Ben’s to help plant trees which I found out I’m allergic to pine. My arm has little red dots all over it. So we watched more than we did actually helping but whatever. So later we left and Monica was driving me home and I found a hole near the crotch of my jeans. I don’t know what happened but I sort of flipped. When I got home, I walked to straight to the bathroom to wash my face and while I was leaving my dad walks up to me and goes, "What no hi?" I simply say sorry and walk to my room and shutting the door. I fell down on my bed and then crawled into a ball. My dad came into my room and was mad and asked me if Monica and I got in a fight. He was just pissing me off and making it worse. You don’t get angry at a depressed person, it makes them feel worse. So he leaves and I let old habits take over me. Pain was all that clouding my mind, I need pain. My body was numb and I only knew I was crying because it was falling down my shirt. I started with lightly hitting my head on the wall and by lightly I mean hard enough you could only hear it maybe two rooms over. My dad comes in and asks if that was me banging around and then leaves. My mind was screaming at me. I began clawing at my face. I wanted it to go away, I wanted the screaming to stop. I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to feel, anything. I wanted to hurt myself, I wanted pain, I wanted my skin torn, I wanted blood, I wanted scars. I let my ands drop and I started to bang my head and shoulder against the wall again but harder where it could be heard throughout the hall. My mind was screaming and crying for his attention. It’s all blurry now. The details are fuzzy. After awhile my dad came in, very mad and when he found out that I was banging my head against the wall, he got more mad. I told him to just go finish watching his show and I will find something else to hit my head against something else to not bother him. And then the threat happened. He told me that if I hurt myself again he would send me away. If he only knew the other stuff I’ve done to myself… After he left I hit my head a couple more time with big spaces in the timing then I just clawed at my face for some more time. Eventually I fell back down to lay on my side in a ball on my bed. Then exhaustion eventually hit and I fell asleep. I awoke a couple hours later so I could do my half of the homework I split with Monica. If it weren’t for my promise to her, I wouldn’t have done my homework. I got up and went to the bathroom. My stomach growled because I hadn’t had a real meal in day but I wouldn’t eat in a twisted way of hurting my dad. When I looked in the mirror, I noticed that I had hurt my eye. It was bright red and the lids were puffy. I touched it lightly then turned away and back to my room. Seeing myself like that tears me up inside. I hate that dark side of myself but I also love it, cling to it. Man even writing this puts tears in my eyes. So I headed back to my room and did my homework. I stayed up for awhile afterwards in a blank trance before "sleeping" again. I woke up a wreck. My head was sore and bruised. My shoulder was also bruised. My whole right side was pretty much bruised. And I had a major headache. My eye was still a little puffy, I had bags under my eyes and my eye was slightly pink. I felt horrible. My mood got better through the day and I didn’t mention to anyone what had happened the night before except to Sophia. At lunch, Krissy gave me a Tarot card reading. This is the good news by the way. So I had her do the New Lover reading. According to the cards, I will be getting a new lover soon, they will be an earth sign (Virgo, Capricorn or Taurus), and we aren’t compatible but we could make it work if we don’t let old people like parents and other adults, get in the way, and if we learn from our pasts. It made me happy. It also said we could have a really long relationship. I’m excited for this. And I’ve been sort of looking for this earth guy and Monica is too. I hope I find him soon. Soon is kind of vague. Soon could be tomorrow or it could be in two years. So far the only earth signs I know are Monica, Ben, Bryan, Steve, and this guy I’ve been talking to on Vampire Freaks. Or at least those are the only ones I know are earth signs. Megan is a Cancer, Melissa is a Leo, same with Josh, Mike is an Aquarius and so is Erica. But there is a chance that I haven’t been him yet. Sigh, patience is a virtue…

Written on Friday:

So I stayed home from school. It was hard. My alarm went off and I had to tell myself just to go back to sleep. I don’t know why I feel the need to go to school. I hadn’t done my math homework and I’m probably going to fail the class. I didn’t do the Chemistry homework either and this way I can do my rough draft and still get 20 extra credit points. It all makes logical sense yet I still wanted to go to school. Why the hell? I think that’s what I was comfortable with. Maybe because I knew I would be home with Kathie all day. Or maybe it was because I knew that I would have nothing to do all day and I would be bored out of my mind.

Written on Thursday:

So here I go running to the pain again. I don’t know what to do. It’s so comfortable. It’s what I’m use to. I’m not gonna go to school tomorrow. I’m not going to do my homework tonight and I just can’t handle this. But I can’t even say that because I don’t want to stay home but I don’t want to go to school. I don’t know what pulls me to school but I go. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m screwed up in the brain. Oh god, help me. For fucking sake, please. I just want to feel normally and know what I want.

Written on Tuesday:

Every time I look in the mirror, I see the scars of my past, literally. Though my friends use to check my wrists occasionally, that doesn’t mean I didn’t commit self-harm. Now believe me, I’ve been very close to cutting myself but I’ve always stop because a) I’m too lazy or depressed to leave my room to get a knife or razor, b) If I do have a knife or razor, I chicken out because the pain scares me and c) I know when I see the crimson blood, I will either faint, freak out and/or regret it so much. Now one tool I couldn’t escape was my nails. Now believe me when I say that when you are in such a deep darkness that you are truly considering self-harm, there is no logical thinking and nothing fills your mind but conflicting self-harm. That darkness is overpowering and addictive. And when your tool of choice is always with you or in my case always attached to you, there is nothing to slow your mind and prevent you from hurting yourself. When you have to go get your tool this leaves time for your mind to possibly settle enough to do some rational thought and stop your actions which is what stopped me most of the time. But sometimes the darkness is so thick not even a few moments of time would let rational thinking surface. And I have the scars to prove that. Not many and they aren’t big, barely even noticeable. Actually most people can’t tell but that’s not what matters, I know they are there and they are a constant reminder. I would have more and bigger ones but I am lucky enough to have skin that doesn’t scar for a long time. I have torn skin off my face, stomach, arms, shoulders and back. The only scars are on my shoulders. I remember once, I laid in my bed, bawling, the tears were pouring down my face and nothing filled my mind but how I needed to feel pain, I needed to be hurt, I needed the pain. I wanted to draw blood so badly, I wanted to see the crimson red blood pour out of my skin, and I pulled and scratched at my stomach. When I couldn’t draw blood with all my trying, I got mad and the pain started to show and then the anger turned to sadness. My hands dropped, I turned over and cried myself into a slumber. I never got the taste of blood and I’m glad. If during any of these times, I had drawn blood, I would probably be addicted and probably still harming myself now. Why did this come to me? What brought this? I looked at myself in the mirror after a shower. I saw those scars.

So I was watching Scarred. I don’t know why I put myself through that. I was on the second episode in a row and my Hemopobia was getting worse and I was feeling really nauseous. But yet I continued to watch. My mind and body conflict. My mind loves watching people do stupid things and get hurt and gore whereas my body is Hemophobic and can’t stand blood. But I deal with it because I like the shows but it really sucks when you have to get up and leave sometimes because you are shaking and feeling sick.

Written on Tuesday:

Every time I look in the mirror, I see the scars of my past, literally. Though my friends use to check my wrists occasionally, that doesn’t mean I didn’t commit self-harm. Now believe me, I’ve been very close to cutting myself but I’ve always stop because a) I’m too lazy or depressed to leave my room to get a knife or razor, b) If I do have a knife or razor, I chicken out because the pain scares me and c) I know when I see the crimson blood, I will either faint, freak out and/or regret it so much. Now one tool I couldn’t escape was my nails. Now believe me when I say that when you are in such a deep darkness that you are truly considering self-harm, there is no logical thinking and nothing fills your mind but conflicting self-harm. That darkness is overpowering and addictive. And when your tool of choice is always with you or in my case always attached to you, there is nothing to slow your mind and prevent you from hurting yourself. When you have to go get your tool this leaves time for your mind to possibly settle enough to do some rational thought and stop your actions which is what stopped me most of the time. But sometimes the darkness is so thick not even a few moments of time would let rational thinking surface. And I have the scars to prove that. Not many and they aren’t big, barely even noticeable. Actually most people can’t tell but that’s not what matters, I know they are there and they are a constant reminder. I would have more and bigger ones but I am lucky enough to have skin that doesn’t scar for a long time. I have torn skin off my face, stomach, arms, shoulders and back. The only scars are on my shoulders. I remember once, I laid in my bed, bawling, the tears were pouring down my face and nothing filled my mind but how I needed to feel pain, I needed to be hurt, I needed the pain. I wanted to draw blood so badly, I wanted to see the crimson red blood pour out of my skin, and I pulled and scratched at my stomach. When I couldn’t draw blood with all my trying, I got mad and the pain started to show and then the anger turned to sadness. My hands dropped, I turned over and cried myself into a slumber. I never got the taste of blood and I’m glad. If during any of these times, I had drawn blood, I would probably be addicted and probably still harming myself now. Why did this come to me? What brought this? I looked at myself in the mirror after a shower. I saw those scars. So I was watching Scarred. I don’t know why I put myself through that. I was on the second episode in a row and my Hemopobia was getting worse and I was feeling really nauseous. But yet I continued to watch. My mind and body conflict. My mind loves watching people do stupid things and get hurt and gore whereas my body is Hemophobic and can’t stand blood. But I deal with it because I like the shows but it really sucks when you have to get up and leave sometimes because you are shaking and feeling sick.

I know it’s Sunday but this was written on Monday the 7th:

I have been thinking all day on a thing that I like about myself that isn’t physical and I have finally really got something. I like how I am when I am happy and hyper like how I am with Sophia after 5th. Like when I do or say something crazy and she laughs and calls me a dork. I like when that happens. I like that feeling. I like that about myself. Sophia brings this out in me. I can be fan girlish, boy crazy around her. I feel comfortable being like that around her. In the whole group, I don’t feel completely comfortable being like that. When I’m happy and jump up and down and around people, I like this part of my personality. Overall I guess I like my personality when I am happy. Also today I have been thinking and I guess I don’t really hate my personality or myself. When I’m sad and in a low I can pick out the things about myself I hate but I can’t remember what those things are but then again, it might just be the sadness clouding my mind. Honestly over the last two weeks I have felt the best I have in years. Besides yesterday, I hadn’t had any really deep lows and I had days when I actually had moments of feeling happy. I have been trying to be better. I have. Over these couple weeks. But I am not going to lie, the sadness is comforting, as sick and twisted as that is. I try to ignore it’s hands and it’s comforting cry but it’s hard. I will turn my back to it and it will come and whisper in my ear, "I know how you’re feeling. Let me help you. Come on, you don’t have to feel awkward. Let me comfort you." It’s hard not to give in. It knows the pain in my heart and it’s hard to not run to it’s comforting arms anymore. I guess I’m addicted to it. But I don’t want to be like that anymore. I am trying to dance and sing again and just let go and I’m trying not to let the fact that I can’t have instant results get to me. I’m trying to remind myself that it won’t just happen over night, the sixteenth chapel wasn’t built in a day.

I don't know what the fuck goes through her mind! She is fucking crazy! You got to be fucking kidding me! Oh my fucking god! I just fucking screamed. Actually, about 4 times. If you know me at all then you know I don't scream. That is the first time I have ever screamed. After I just fucking fixed my fucking speakers and it's not fucking loud enough! You have to be fucking kidding me! That damn bitch shut down the computer and erased my whole godamn U.S. History paper. I don't fucking care about her fucking problems, this is my godamn school work! This isn't her stupid fucking kid games! I leave for two hours and the fucking computer is turned off and my fucking speakers are unplugged! AHHHH! I don't fucking care if my fucking typing bothers her, I needed to fucking type my paper! You know fuck it. I don't give a shit anymore.

I walked into my room tonight after Monica dropped me off and went to my bed to drop my bag onto it. While walking I caught a glance at my AFI poster and when I dropped my bag, I turned to them. They looked different, their gazes seemed different as if they were telling me, "It's okay, tell us all your problems." I wakled over to them and kissed my index finger and touched it to Adam's lips, then repeated it for Hunter then Jade and lastly Davey. I sighed and said, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I be normal?" I rub my face and start changing into my pjs. "I can't hide it anymore. I can't act like nothing is wrong anymore. I just can't." I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. After a night of hearing a fight over how I am the reason for all the problems and not sleeping, I didn't feel well. Actually I felt nothing, completely blank. It wasn't until 6th period did I break down and cry. That is when the pain came. Well I woke up, blank and not wanting to go see people but I got up even more because my will to not be home was stronger. So I go the bus stop to get the normal stares and when the bus came, I got on and sat next to Josh though I was strongly thinking of sitting somewhere else. I sat down and he turned to me and asked, "What was wrong last night?" I had been in a horrible mood even before the fighting and I had told him that he didn't want to me and then signed offline. I softly said, "Nothing." and we didn't say a thing the rest of the bus ride. When I got off the bus, I simply started walking away instead of waiting for Josh and Bryan though Josh was right behind me and I told him, "You can wait for Bryan. I have something I need to do."He starts to follow saying, "I would rather go with you."
I say blankly, "You can't follow me to the girl's bathroom."
He says some jokingly comments and somehow he is no longer walking with me. I walk to my locker to have Sophia show up. She says something about bands or something then asks what is wrong which I simply with "Nothing." I leave and walk slowly up a floor. Then I cross over to go to the bathroom. I open the door and quickly close it when I see a million girls in it. I go up one more floor and find that bathroom, open and only one girl in it. I act like I'm checking my make-up and soon she leaves. I then just stare into mirror. I stared deep into my eyes and begged myself to see something. Just anything. Any sign of emotion. I became in a trance and was quickly snapped out of it when the door opened. They gave me a funny look and I left the bathroom. I didn't know where to go. I didn't want to go to my friends. I didn't want to get the "what's wrong?" I know I caused the pity and I hated it. So I decided to walk to the tower stairs and see if I could find a lone spot. As I crossed over the second floor, it was full of people and when I got to the third floor, it was full of people including my cousin. I tried to walk past without her seeing but it didn't happen. I waved but she wanted a hug and of course asked, "What's wrong?" I said nothing and left. I turned the corner and slowed down wondering how much longer I had to wait till the bell. I checked my phone to see I still had fifteen minutes. I acted like I was going through my backpack and then messed with my mp4 and then my phone. Eventually, Melissa and Monica round the corner. I told them I had just went to the bathroom. I didn't really tell anyone what was wrong until in Math in sixth period. Ben kinda forced it from me. Yeah so that was that.

What the fuck is wrong with me!?! It's pissing me off. Why can't I just be happy? Really I thought I was doing better. I was feeling better, almost happy and then it comes again. It's no longer sadness, its just nothing. I don't want to do anything! Fuck! I'm telling myself I'm mad and I don't feel it! Like I have the damn thoughts but no feeling! What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I have to find problems? Why do I endlessly claim I have problems! Fucking...gahhhha. Monica was over and we were having fun and I was hungry and within minutes, my mood dropped and I wasn't hungry. I don't want to fucking eat! What is wrong with me? I haven't had anything all day and actually barely anything for a long time. I can't remember when I ate normally and yet I can't get rid of weight! God damn. I feel nothing! All just thoughts. Do you understand?! I'm sure you think that I must have feelings if I say this but really just empty thoughts. I feel nothing. It's not numb like before, it's not empty, it's just blank. I was looking at boys on VampireFreaks which I normally enjoy and I was in the middle of looking at a pretty boy when I couldn't even stand myself and what I was doing and clicked out and then hit my head on the glass desk and logged off the internet. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be online. I don't want to eat. I don't want to listen to music. I don't want to watch tv. I don't want to do anything. I don't even feel the need to cry. I feel nothing! What the hell is this? I thought I had depression but I'm not sad! I'm not suicidal, I'm not anything. The books say that depression can cause other mental problems, maybe I have one. God damn and there I go agian giving me things that might related so I can have god damn pity. I hate myself, actually no I don't that's another pity thing. I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. Leave me alone.

Written over a couple days: I’m finally reading that book my counselor lent me and well I’m on page 6 and I have many of these problems. I supposedly have a few addictions and it’s because of my shame that I got from family abandonment. Shame is different than guilt. "Guilt says I’ve done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I’ve made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good; shame says I am no good." And I’ve had every single one of those thoughts and multiple times actually almost daily. Then I read the list of ways parents abandon their kids and I have 8 out of 10. Oh then my favorite, emergence of the false self. Oh man that section was just for me. Here this is from the book, "After years of acting, performing and pretending- one loses contact with who one really is. One’s true self is numbed out." Sound oh so familiar? I like the exact word of ‘numb.’ Imagine that. Oh but wait there is more. We get to addictions. My favorite addiction is religion. I think my family has that. Addictions are "our ways of being alive and our ways of managing our feelings." The list of my addictions are the internet, thinking obsessively, overeating, starving, improper diet, and my favorite trauma. Oh I also have a risk of Cancer because of my emotional repression, yay! I read all of that in the first 6 pages. Well I’ll go back to reading. If I find anything else interesting, I’ll add. Wow, I completely understand now why people are closer to their parents after they move out. When you leave you have to break the ‘fantasy bond’ that you created since you were born and see your parents as the imperfect people they are. It makes so much sense! Okay back to reading. Ooo chart! Ekk…I followed theses steps. Damn. Okay back to reading. "Over time the child identifies with the false self and becomes totally unconscious of his own true feelings, needs and wants." Hmm, oh so familiar. Kinda get told that a lot. Okay back to reading. Isn’t funny how I have come to realize this of myself and yet I am nowhere closer to fixing myself. Crash into my arms. Wow this makes sense. The child is only a symptom of the sick system they are a part of. Wow fetuses are so…sensitive. No wonder I’m screwed up and well the whole society. Reading this just gives me more reason to make a better child. One without these problems cause by the mistakes of their parents. Wow, I’m learning so much. This is so fascinating. Functional marriage, functional kids; dysfunctional marriage, dysfunctional kids. Oh my…I think I found where my intimacy problems came from. Parents are suppose to model how to be in an intimate relationship and well my parents were rarely in the same room and I don’t recall them ever kissing…wow, yeah. "The 1st child will make decisions and hold values consistent with or in exact opposition to the father." "First children often have trouble developing high self-esteem." 2nds bond with the mother. "A male second may become a man just like mother wished she could have married. A female second may be promiscuous because the mother secretly wanted to be." Oh my god, this is so fascinating! I’m probably boring you, lol. Your veins run cold. The 3rd child identifies with marriage relationship. "Only children will often carry the family process functions." 3rd children have trouble making choices. The 4th catches unresolved family tensions. The children after just repeat. Wow the family trance, amazing. "The family is where the attainment of self-esteems takes place." Okay so I sort of gave up on reading the book so I have gone to skimming and reading the sections that might apply to me or seem interesting. Like this: "Thought Disorders: You get involved in generalities or details. You worry, ruminate and obsess a lot. You stay in your head to avoid your feelings. You read about your problems, rather than taking action." or "Lack of boundaries: You don’t know where you end and others begin- physically, emotionally, intellectually or spiritually. You don’t know what you really stand for." Oh this one! "Numbed out: You don’t feel your feelings. You don’t know what you feel. You don’t know how to express what you feel." Okay I’m done. I’ll give it back to her tomorrow. Yeah it didn’t help me.

Well I was awoken by the most annoying noise. I would have loved to not be woken up at 7 by hammering right next to my ear on a Saturday. But hey that might just be me. Some how I managed to get back to sleep awhile after and awoke again at 11 by the same sound. Unhappily I got up washed my face and then went to see what everyone was doing today. Well I search the house to find it empty and no note. I found this so weird because A) they are always home when I wake up but I usually wake before them, and B) if on the rare occasions they leave they always tell me. So I was a little freaked out but figured it was nothing. So I got on and turned my music up, feeling the freedom of actually having the house to myself. Well after awhile of looking at pretty boys, great music and answering all my messages, I decide to start getting my day start sense I woke much later then usual. So I did my laundry and called Mel to see if we were still going to the mall to get Monica's birthday present. She didn't seem like she wanted to but I think we are still going. It's 1:36 by the way so I'm not sure how this day is going to end up like. Before I die, I will have seen it all! The mountians I have climbed help me enjoy the fall! Oh the webs we weave! Ah I love Escape The Fate. So continue with our little story. Okay so I invited Sophia to join us but I don't think that will happen. My dad finally called me back after like 3 hours! Jeez I was about to think he was dead. He supposly hadn't wanted to wake me. Reach out and you may take my heart away. Aww, Davey is a cutey. I saw a new adorable picture of him. So yeah my dad should be back in an hour. I was like, "I was thinking of going to the mall."
"Oh you can go."
"I don't have any money to buy Monica a birthday present."
He laughs, "Oh, okay. I'll be home in an hour."
So yeah now, I'm sitting here, listening to music, looking at pretty boys and still sitting in my pjs...
I should do something but I dunno, haha. So yesterday, 4-20. Wanna here what I did? I stayed out all night, lol. Okay because of the wonderful WASL testing schedule and the fact that I'm an upperclassman, I didn't have to be at school till 9:45, I got to sleep in all week. But Friday was the last day so Monica, Meggs and I decided to go out to breakfast. So I didn't get to sleep in very much and Monica picked me up around 7:25. Then we swung by and picked up Megan. And yes I wore my new liquid eyeliner and purple lipstick and no I didn't fling my bracelet into the middle of the road like I did the day before when I jumped over her bushes. So we got in the car and then we had to go back to Mons because she had forgot her money. Then we were half way to IHop when Monica realised she didn't have her english paper so we had to swing back and go get it. So we get it and then finally make it to IHop, haha. So we get a seat and order. Megan only gets coffee and Monica and I share the cinnamon icing pancakes things. They are my favorite thing there! They are so good! So we ate, left a tip, paid and then left. We were ahead of schedule so we decided to stop by Mons so she could get her Super Kriptonite. Yeah so we played with that stuff. It was this awesome green gack like stuff. And then head to school. We were really considering just skipping school but for some odd reason we were good kids and actually went plus if we were going to skip, there were cops everywhere and we were driving illegally. So we get near school to find we still have twenty minutes before school actually starts so I say I wanted a milkshake so we decide to go to Dairy Queen to get a Moolatte. We don't like on this side of the water so we didn't have an idea where one would be but I had lived there a little bit with my grandparents so I knew where one was...kinda. So we are driving for awhile and so we decide to pull over and ask this man if there was a Dairy Queen closer. He kinda looked at us weird because it was 9 in the morning and we just stop our car next to him, lol. So he points us in the other direction and saw to go that way. So we turn around and head back. We are driving and we pass the school again and see Steve and Will walking so we stop and I yell at them, "Get in the car! We are going to Dairy Queen!" So they walk over and Steve says that he can't because there was a reason he had got to school early. Ahem, meaning he had to go find his supplyer so celebrate before school aka he had to go smoke pot. Which later I find out he couldn't find him. So anyway we force Will in the car and tell him to help us to get to Dairy Queen because we have no idea. So we driver FOREVER! All the way across town to this Dairy Queen and we get out to find it closed...I guess they don't open till 10. So we get back in and drive back to school because it was about to start. Oh and Monica has a rule in her car, if it's your first time in the car, you have to get naked. And although it wasn't Will's first time in her car, the first time it had been his birthday and we kinda almost killed him...ahem yeah...so this time had was told to get naked. It was also his punishment for making us go all the way across town to find Dairy Queen closed, lol. So he took off his shirt and then he stopped and we were too busy trying to act normal next to this cop and trying to get to shcool on time that we didn't yell at him again, though we took his shirt. So we when we got near school we were already late and then we had to find parking...Finally we found a spot a couple blocks away, Monica had her first class on the 3rd floor so I felt bad for her and the rest of us had our class in the basement. So Meggs and I walk into our class late and sneak to our spots without the teacher noticing and sat down. It was funny because right after us two people walked in and the teacher goes, "Why are you late!?!" It made Meggs and I laugh. So the day was pretty boring. I was expecting to see my stoner school all high but I didn't really see any. So the day was fairly boring. So on the way home, I find that I am ordered to go to Bryan's. They wanted to shoot at me. So I go to Bryan's. We played his Wii for awhile till Mike came over with his new airsoft gun and he has to take it apart 'cos the trigger was stuck. So I was telling them that I was scared and I was probably going to cry because I'm a pussy like that. And I knew that if I cried they would never let me live it down. So eventually Sarah and Kimmy come over and we all choose our guns. And because I have awesome powers in guilt I was given the exception (The only time ever) to be aloud to keep my coat on. So the teams were Mike, Kerian (Bryan's brother) and I against Bryan, Sarah and Kimmy. Bryan pretty much was my only target. So before we started Bryan shot me in the leg and back with the weakest gun so I could "get use to the pain." Stupid crap, loser. It stung but it didn't hurt. So we started and it was fun. I grew quite fond of my gun, lol. During the timeouts I shot at Bryan, lol he was the most fun to hit because he would make sounds of pain. So during the fight, Brayn shot at me and it went through my nail, hit me in the face and then my broken nail came flying off and hit me in the nose. That hurt so bad. Hey I just found a bruise on my leg, lol. Okay yeah so that hurt so bad. Bryan came running over and was like, "I'm sorry! What happened, I was aiming for your arm. Alicia, I was aiming for your arm." He was like freaking out and well I started crying and I was cursing. "Fuck. It's okay Bryan, I'm okay. Fuck, it hurts." So I wipe away my tears, shot Bryan and go back out. I got hit a couple more times in the face but they didn't hurt. So somehow after awhile, Kimmy quit (She's a pacifist so she never wanted to play.) and Sarah had turned to my side and Mike left. So we were playing like this for awhile and then Kerian turned on everyone. Oh my, Kerian's gun hurts! Omg, that was the only one. He shot me in the ass once and it hurt for like 20 mintues, it stung for so long. I'm surprised it didn't welt. Well it was fun. Then we went in, palyed the Wii some more and Mike left. Later we talked in Bryan's room and I tore down his connect tower thingy and wore it on my head. Then at around 11 I went home to get a call from Sohpia telling me she sent me a link to a pretty boy's mysace. So then I went to bed. My dad is home and doesn't seem happy...byes.

Oh god, help me please. I can’t take this feeling. I’m crying. It won’t go away. Please, I beg you, please help me. Nothing I seem to rid me of it. Even doing things I normally do won’t rid me of this. Please. I can’t explain this. It’s like I’m not me. I have felt weird all day and it wasn’t until now that I didn’t feel myself and it was like this weight was placed on me and my soul is like freaking out. I feel better now. Oh my god, just thinking about what just happened, scares me. It kind of felt what I would think an anxiety attack would feel like. Just thinking of that feeling, that deep feeling in my very soul, brings tears to my eyes. You don’t understand how frightening that feeling was. I’m shivering. This scares me you guys. I don’t what to do. What should I do? Tell me. Please? I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. I don’t want to be this me anymore. I want to go back. I saw a video of me and the sadness in my face…is that how I look everyday? I didn’t feel sad. Why is it that it hides itself from me but shows so plainly on the outside? I don’t like this me. Is this really me? And if not, which parts are real? Am I real at all? Why can’t my feelings work normally like everyone else’s? I don’t like the hollow smiles I show. I thought they were real. How can people stand to look at me? I still don’t feel like myself. I’m starting to get that floating above body feeling again. I hated that horrible feeling. I want someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright. Give me some hope. I’m so very cold and slightly hollow feeling. Why did I get this way? Why? Why me? Other people have had problems but didn’t get this so why me? I can’t stand the thought of listening to music right now and I can’t bare the thought of wearing black tomorrow. It’s like my being is rebelling against everything that is me or what I think is me.

After that I had curled into a ball, holding my knees in an attempt to warm my freezing body and calm my ravenous mind and to stop the tears. And then I fell asleep. The sleep was nice and peaceful and when I awoke I felt slightly better. I was still trying to stay in a sleep state, when my dad came in. I turned toward him and that was when I realized I was slightly shaking. He asked me what was wrong and I told him nothing and thanked him for the food. I feel much better but I can still slightly feel that feeling deep in me and it scares me. I don’t know what to do.

Written yesterday after I got back from the super mall:

OMG! I just got back from the mall and there was this HOT boy at Hot Topic! He had omg, wonderful hair and for once he didn't have black hair! I know amazing, he was blonde but wow, beautiful. He worked there and he liked popped out of nowhere and started talking to me and my friend thinks he was hitting on me but I think he was just doing his job and being friendly. Like he popped out of nowhere and was like, "I like your fingerless gloves. You like mine?" then he showed me his and we talked about how they didn't match and I told him how I got mine at the dollar store and made mine. But like I just noticed, he wasn't wearing his. It was like he took them out just to have something in common with me or something, hmm odd. Then he said his were gifts and then he said hi to my friend and then he was like, "You have a question, just ask me" and then we walked away. He checked out our stuff and I was telling my friend how I was mad at her for screwing up what I was gonna get her for her birthday and he goes, "Yeah I'm mad at you too." Oh he was cute! Then he told us to put our things together and he would stamp my card. Hehe he was so cute. He was singing to the music playing, it was cute. Oh then there was a 50% off make up sell! Omg great day! I got some liquid eyeliner, purple lip stick and black nail polish. Oh my, good day!

The sweet smell of vanilla smoke is filling my room. Justin threw a lighter at me today on the bus so I kept it and well played with the flames all the way home. Then when I got home, I wanted something to burn but refrained and decided to burn an incense. Steve remembered that boy, haha. Oh Steve was talking and said he wasn’t going to prom. I pushed him and told him that he had to. I told him that I would go and drag him with me. Ben was talking and was saying how if you don’t go to your prom then you end up screwed up. I mean just look at his dad, lol. I fell asleep in my book last night and I mean really on the pages. I didn’t know I had until I was waking up and moved and I hear this thud and look over to see my book on the floor. So then I was like, "Damnit! I lost my place." So I pick it up and search for my page. I found it then start reading and well I had to pull myself away from the book to go get ready. I think the fact that I really needed to go pee helped. I just ran out of the starburst jellybeans Meggs and Mel gave me, sad. Oh that’s’ cool, starburst doesn’t have a red line under it! Haha sweet! I hate that red line. It’s telling me right now that Meggs, Mel, haha, Davey, wiL, lol and a few other words are wrong. I really liked those jellybeans. Oh dang, I need to go to the bathroom but Crawling by Linkin Park came on and I can’t possibly miss this song, duh. It’s like a self-control I fear is never ending. Oh damn, I like this song too, The Pot by Tool. Who are you to wave your finger? Oh well, I need to go. And walking back into my room I get the lovely smell of vanilla. Krissy gave me a bracelet today. It’s one of those beaded ones and it’s black and white. I was told it looked very emo and I laughed. It went nicely with my all black outfit and fingerless gloves. Richard broke the wizard’s 3rd rule. I have 92 pages left. In every book, Richard breaks the new wizard rule he learns. 1st book broke the 1st rule. 2nd book broke the second rule. Actually Monica says that Richard breaks every rule, lol loser. I like Richard though. Oh Nathan makes me laugh. That guy is around 1000 years old and he still acts like a kid. He was talking to Ann and he was like, "I want a sword." and she asked why he would want a sword when he is a powerful wizard and replies, "It will make me look dashing." Haha, Nathan is awesome. He’s some prophet. Kathie just slid something I would assume to be heavy to me door. I really don’t want to get up but I kinda want to know what’s in this box that I have to go through. Maybe I’ll find more of my gamecube games. Fine, I’ll get up. Sweet my pokemon cards! Yeah yeah, I still have my pokemon cards. Actually, I’m gonna watch the movies later. So there. AHHHHHH! MY FINGERS! THEY HAVE TOUCHED THE TAINTED! Haha actually no I just pulled a Briteny Spears cd out of the box. Haha. Omg I’m so going to listen to it. I’m not gonna lie, I will probably like it. It’s the Opps!…I Did It Again cd. I have her first one too. Oh it has Lucky on it. I like that song. I found my gameboy! Sweet! Haha I found a maraca. I found a playstation game. And one of those hand buzzers. Haha the thing doesn’t hurt but it loud. Kay I can get on so I will post this. Ciao!

You know who I want to meet? A punk. Ever since I saw Valley Girl, the punk attitude seems intoxicating. It fascinates me so much. Plus I like the style. I really want to meet a real punk, someone who is punk at heart. It’s more than just a genre of music, it’s a lifestyle. I don’t know where that came from but it was in my mind so I thought I should share. You remember me saying how there are just those people that fascinate the hell out of me? Well punks are a few of those people. The people who are usually considered "outsiders" are usually the ones who fascinates me. I don’t know what it is about these people but they just draw me in. Actually you know who I really want to meet? That boy I saw on orientation. Oh my, yeah…I don’t know why he popped into my head but I don’t mind him there. Man did he have awesome hair! I doubt I’ll ever see him though, it was like a once in a lifetime meeting…well once in a lifetime glance. Sigh, oh well. But really, that boy had both Steve and I taking second glances. Ah, I still remember the conversation.
"Wow."
"I know."
"Alicia-"
"Oh, I know! I see!"
Then he walked by us and Steve and I both kind of stopped but quickly remembered we were in the middle of the street. And then I hoped that he went to Stadium and well I’ve never seen him again so I guess he doesn’t but then again he looked like19. I giggled like a little schoolgirl afterwards, actually I was like in awe and shock, partly speechless. He had beautiful black hair much like Davey’s and I remember liking his clothes and well the rest is sorta a blur. I didn’t get a great look at his face though I think I recall a lip ring. I just remember thinking, "Oh my god!" then shock and just simply in wow. I wouldn’t be surprised if my mouth was hanging open. I had never reacted that badly before, it was kinda an amazing feeling. I don’t feel like that very often so it was fun. Wow I really enjoyed that little flashback, haha. Now I’m going to ask Steve if he remembers that guy. Doubt he doesn’t, I mean who could! I remember talking to Monica after orientation about him. We were talking about how if I ever saw him again it would be fate and I would have to talk to him. Well I guess it wasn’t fate, lol. Oh I also remember he was fairly tall too. Well seemed tall to me so that’s not saying much. I usually say guys are cute or beautiful or something along those lines but I will say it, this guy was hot.

This is completely off topic of that guy’s hotness but I just realized that I am sort of a romantic. I am listening to Goodbye, We’re Falling Fast by Aiden and going over Megan and mine’s dance and well thinking of how beautiful and romantic the song is and then I was thinking of writing a poem and that got me thinking of my poems and how love is a big topic and so I guess I’m sorta a romantic. And that is a very long run-on sentence that Word is freaking over. All of Aiden’s songs are romantic well most of them are. How empty are the answers? I like that line. WiL can be attractive but honestly sometimes his make-up is odd and kind of creepy. Actually he’s kind of a creepy guy. In a fanfic, wiL is my boyfriend, haha. Obviously Davey and Jade were taken. I don’t have a big role in the story though because I don’t know the girl very well. I don’t talk much in the story, I’m usually just making out with wiL. It makes me laugh and though the girl has Davey all wrong in the story, I still read it just because I’m in it and its semi entertaining. I get a kick out of Fanfics, well some. Some of them have way too much sex for me. I prefer some plot. I read one and the girl pretty much just had sex with Davey over and over. Boring and disturbing, I mean this are like girls younger than me and if I were Davey, I would be flattered but slightly disturbed at these stories. WiL is a fan of AFI…just a random fact for you. And yes he spells his name wiL. He’s just cool like that. Man has he had a tough life though. Heroine addiction, living on the streets, seeing friends kill themselves right in front of him, and such. Die Romantic is about his friend who killed herself by shooting herself right in front of him. I really like whispering in songs, the fast chaotic whispering like in The Midnight Sun by AFI and in I Set My Friends on Fire by Aiden. You know what, I was thinking and all those people who think that like AFI is following the "emo" trend and like their style and such. But like that’s crazy because AFI are the elders of it, they started it. They have been around longer than the "trend." So to those people, I say, "Ha ha ha, losers!" They are above you all. They be gods! I’m tired. I shall read. From your cold hands and your dead eyes. Now I really like that line. I have 125 pages left of The Blood of the Fold. My grandparents were born in the Great Depression. Hmm and near the dust bowl. I just calculated that they were born in about 1936. I’m cool like that. You like how this post has changed? You know what? I don’t get any comments. *Tear* Actually no one really reads this so I don’t really expect comments. I probably wouldn’t know if I got one. It would be like a foreign substance to me. We had trouble at the gas station. I still have sand in my shoes. I’ve just gone through all 19 of my Aiden songs. I wonder what I should listen to next. Well right after this song. She cuts the blade although it’s much too dull. I say she’s all alone fighting for redemption. I know little pain, a little lust. I lose myself at night to feel the rush of tearing my skin apart. Take this sadness and close your eyes love. And now its Fall Out Boy, just a tad different. I’m gonna go read, ciao!

Oh my god, my eyes are watering and I’m breathing hard. I just coughed extremely hard for what seemed like a lifetime but was only a few minutes. It came from deep in my chest and was so rough and painful that I could hardly breath. I think it has stopped, well for now at least…

I damn them to hell. I swear. I just had the best ham ever and I damn them for it. Even the smell of it cooking was making my mouth water, the smell of cooking rotting flesh of a helpless pig that was raised in it’s own filth and feed unnatural things to only be bred just to die to be our food. When I first thought I wanted to become vegetarian I knew it would be hard, that I would want it but then I lost all craving for meat and haven’t had any for some time and now I have the memory of the taste I will be missing. I truly damn them.

Ah the blind faith people put in religion. I’m reading Blood of the Fold, the 3rd book in the Sword of Truth series and I’m just laughing at the faith and dedication to what they think they are doing for their Creator. Like the Blood of the Fold for example, they think that magic is evil and the work of the Keeper, yet they use the very thing they think is evil to stop it. They think that their beloved Creator wants them to go out and kill innocent people who supposedly process the touch of the Keeper whether they have proof the person has magic or not. Take Tobias Brogan, the leader of the Blood of the Fold, his persistent foolishness through wanting to fulfilling the Creator’s wishes makes me laugh the most but then again I know the truth. He, like his sister who travels with him, I believe has the gift but that has not been stated and proven true, yet. He thinks he has been graced with having the creator appear to him in his dreams. I on the hand am almost positive it is the Dream Walker, which only gives me more reason to believe Brogan has the gift. Now what makes this funny? Well Brogan is with Morswith right now and he thinks this is wrong but yet because they say the Dream Walker sent them, he thinks they are beings from the Creator. He even tells his sister this, "The things he tells me are becoming more and more unsound." Brogan means the Creator talking in his dreams. When his sister is confused he says this, "Lunetta, I believe there is trouble. I believe the Creator is going insane." When I read that, I laughed. The Creator, an almighty god, going insane? How can he still believe that he is doing the Creator’s work? Ah but he is only breaking the wizard’s first rule and well I guess the second rule too.

Haha, I’m such a book nerd.

Blaqk Audio has a new blog and I have yet to see it. I shall sneak online tonight and see if I can read it. I have no idea when I’ll be able to post this because I’m not really allowed on. I would do it at school but my blog is blocked. I also have 12 unread message because I can’t go on and reply to them. I can answer some at school but like the buzznet and myspace ones, I can’t because they are blocked and I’m sure I have Vampire Freaks messages too but that is also blocked. I’m slowly dying of boredom.

Well I guess I will be posting this today. I was given permission to go on…

Written Tuesday night:

Well I just cried and in the shower too, how very emo of me. Yes I’m in one of "those" moods so expect bitter cursing and self-hatred thoughts. I just want to break down. I want to let it all just pour out of me in hope that I will either be healed or dead. Either seems fine to me. But even when I break down and think I have it all out, I find out that it’s all still there. I swear my mind is going to kill me. Why can’t I just let things be? Why does my mind insist on remembering everything or at least the bad things and the things I have done that I think regard me badly. Oh man, my mind won’t shut up. I swear I’m going to lose it one of these days and kill myself, the thought is scary yet comforting which also scares me. All these years I have been scared to death of a few things and of those things one is having mental problem like sitzophrenia like my aunt and I’m not all too sure I don’t have one. There is something wrong with my head but I don’t think it’s something serious like that though serious. And when I say something is wrong with my head, I mean it. I’m not just saying that jokingly and lightly, I mean that I think something is wrong with my head. Actually I know something is wrong with me. The attachment to sorrow is not natural. I also think I have an eating problem (that was another fear I had m whole life), which I don’t mind, like I said I’m screwed up. Don’t think I’m making this up. Like thinking, "Oh if she really had an eating problem she wouldn’t tell anyone," or whatever but like I said, I’m not going to really keep anything back in here and plus these are my thoughts. All my thoughts have double standards. I know part of me wants the attention from my pain, part of me loves the pain and another wants to be rid of it all. I think of the last part as the good part. The fairly reasonable one that knows all these things are bad and wants them gone. With the eating problem with is much like anorexia goes hand and hand with my self-worth, self-esteem problem. On Friday when it was all sunny, I was at Mel’s with her, Monica and Josh and we were going to the beach and Monica started taking my coat off and stuff. She had made me change earlier into a tight red top and well I sorta broke down after loosing my coat. I started crying and telling them how I thought I was ugly and fat and all this stuff. I wear loose clothing for a reason and when I’m at home I always have a blanket around me whether I’m cold or not. It will be 80 degrees outside and I’ll still have my blanket on. Monica tried cheering me up by saying that looks didn’t matter and who cares what people think and stuff but it really didn’t help though I lead her to believe it did. I know she told Ben to tell me I looked pretty when we saw him later, she kinda made it obvious, her sly code talk didn’t hide anything and I don’t think he wanted to but he did tell me later which I just blew off. I found out today I guess I’m a 6 on normal days but today because I was wearing a gray coat instead of a black one, I was a 8. See I’m a 6. And all that I have just said wasn’t the reason I cried imagine that, though all of those issues have made me cry many of times. What did? My dad. Honestly, I’m going to try a lot fucking harder and I’m going to get a job and I’m moving out as soon as I can. I can’t handle this anymore. If anything, I’m gonna live with my mom the whole summer so I don’t have to be in this hell hole and then as soon as I’m 18 I’m on my own. My mom may have problems but she accepts me. She understands me unlike everyone in this damn household and well almost everyone in my damned life. I was talking to my dad on the phone and he was pissed. He was saying how the computer was causing problems though I never really go on anymore and how I have these problems and I need to try harder and fix these things about myself and like how my music has corrupted me and how it’s "evil." And I’m fucking crying again. I thought I was going to start crying at the beginning of this but I felt nothing. I was saying my problems yet I felt nothing. Fucking A, I’m a fucking mess up. I’m just screwed up. You know what? I hope he takes everything away from me like he threatens then I’ll go into a deep depression and maybe gather the fucking courage to pull a trigger or stab myself and kill whatever is left of my pathetic soul. But of course here is my other side talking. I don’t want that to really happen and I know it never will as much as my mind dreams it. Actually I haven’t had any real suicidal thoughts in awhile. A lot of my pain is made up, I think. I like the comfort of it and honestly I don’t think I know how to survive and work without it. Keep in mind this is all the 3rd part talking, the good part. The other parts want the pain, embrace it and cause it. See how I’m torn? The logic in my mind tells me that I need to stop doing this but it really is only thoughts that are over powered by the others that have more control. I’m sure it’s one of those parts, probably the second that keeps these thoughts in my head about the things Monica does and the things people do to criticize me and gives me bad thoughts of them and bad things I would like to say to them. I try t keep them down so I don’t dwell on fights and such but they always pop back up when everything is hunky dory…AFI reference, sorry couldn’t contain myself…technically it’s a David Bowie reference but AFI used it…long story. Anyway, the tears stopped. I’m cold. This blanket is doing nothing for me. I’m slightly tired though I doubt I’ll get sleep and I have a feeling this will be a hard week and I hope I can escape this weekend. I hope I have a nightmare but I know I shouldn’t hope that yet this is all the good side says, it has no feeling.

Over these last couple weeks I have been told many times that I need a boyfriend and in response, I tell them that I don’t need anything. And I feel no need to have one or at least that’s what I tell myself. They tell me that I do, that it will help me or some sorts along those lines. I use to think that I needed a guy so he could be my knight in shining armor and pull from this darkness, and that’s a direct quote that I told Monica last year before Steve. They could be right but they could be wrong and I would rather not go out of my way to find one and hurt another person. If love finds me then I guess love finds me but really I don’t see that happening. Why have I suddenly had this train of thought? I have no idea. I was reading Blood of the Fold and when I finished my chapter, I just laid in my bed and thought and well this came to mind. I found it quite odd how all the guys that seem to like me are all fairly similar. Don’t get me wrong they are all different but most, there are exceptions but most have a similar trait that I really dislike. They feel the need to be next to me all the time like they need to be at my beck and call day and night. They hold no independence. Maybe I’m just not the romantic type or something but things like that put me off. People…well mostly Monica say I’m shallow and I’m not going to lie, I am but unlike Monica thinks looks aren’t everything. I mean personality does matter for me and just because I don’t like every guy that likes me doesn’t make me a bad, shallow person, does it? I try to like guys, I do…it’s just that I can’t find on that holds that like. I think I find that spark of like in someone but then a second later, it’s gone. It’s not as easy as just saying yes and dating them. Has that worked in the past for me? No. Just having a boyfriend doesn’t mean anything. It’s the like, the passion that means something. I could say yes to anyone but that doesn’t mean it will help me, if that’s what I even need. Am I right or am I just being crazy? I can’t be like Monica and find something in every guy that I can like. Maybe I am just picky. Maybe I do hold high standards. Love, hmm I almost don’t know what that is anymore. But then again, I can’t say I’ve ever felt love…well that kind of love. I don’t know. I think I am the problem but then other times I think that maybe I’m not. I mean it’s not like I have hordes of guys liking me, giving me the option like my friends and the guys that do, I never like them. Is it wrong to want to actually like your boyfriend? Hell I would actually like to be attracted to more guys. I feel like I’m asexual or something. The last guy I was remotely attracted to was Zach and well he really wasn’t that pretty but I felt like something was wrong with me so I told myself that I had a slight attraction to him when I first saw him so I held onto that. And before that was the guy I saw on orientation, oh man…he was hot. I’m not gonna lie, he was really hot. Steve agreed haha. Now that boy made me swoon. Before that…um physically attracted to…hmm…see I told you. I can’t even remember before this summer. Oh! In September when I went to Battle of the Bands, the guy that checked the microphones and instruments for The Fury, he was cute. And with my power, he walked by quite a few times. Other than that, I can’t remember any. And I remember that all three of these boys had fantastic black hair, haha, imagine that, right? Monica likes blondes, and I like black hair. Hmm and oddly enough I have blonde hair and she has black…I’ve always wanted black hair and she’s always wanted to be blonde.

In silence, in silence…

Sorry Blaqk Audio has gripped me. His voice…mystical. And when he sings those four words, it’s chilling. Could you save my life, had the boy you knew not died? I think that’s my favorite line. Man, I cannot wait to hear more Blaqk Audio. Oh my…wow, if you have the song, listen at 4:56. How he sings rain is…amazing. How it quivers.
Well I just had dinner and well I’d rather remain in doubt and in ignorance but that was stripped from me. Like I have said before, ignorance is bliss. Well I have to face the fact that my grandparents are dying. My grandpa is depressed because he knows he’s dying and my grandma knows this. She too is dying and had a little attack again today. If one dies, so will the other. They need each other and don’t know how they will continue without the other. So when one goes I won’t have just lost one grandparent but both. But these just aren’t just grandparents to me. These people took me in when I had no home. They raised me for that time like their own child. It was hard for all of us but nonetheless they took me in. I have lived with them. I am close to them. Who else am I going to tell my "make the world a better place" theories to when my grandma is gone? Who is going to tell me his war stories when my grandpa is gone? What could hurt more is that my grandma wants to go but then again, is that really worse? The fact that she is ready to go? She wants to be with her savior. In a better place. The bliss that is religion. I hope she is right. My grandpa on the other hand, I don’t think he is ready. And I am so terribly sorry that he has to face it, knowing it is coming. Those who know that their time to face Death is coming are the ones I have pity for. I’m not going to lie, death strikes a deep fear in me.

Now do you see the thoughts I am plagued with? My mind is always racing and usually with not so happy thoughts. I can never get it to shut up. If I look at you with wide eyes like I’m trying not to blink, it’s most likely because I’m trying my best to focus and keep my mind from continuing on its race of depressing thoughts. Thoughts that are close to paranoia, if not so. Actually I told Bryan some of my thoughts once and he told me that they were paranoia. Maybe I have sitzophrenia like my aunt. Well if I start mumbling about unicorns and bunnies then Josh says he will visit me in the asylum but if I have voices telling me to kill then he won’t. My mind just started on another topic but I will end here because you probably wouldn’t want to hear this odd ramble. Till next time, ciao!