Written over a couple days: I’m finally reading that book my counselor lent me and well I’m on page 6 and I have many of these problems. I supposedly have a few addictions and it’s because of my shame that I got from family abandonment. Shame is different than guilt. "Guilt says I’ve done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I’ve made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good; shame says I am no good." And I’ve had every single one of those thoughts and multiple times actually almost daily. Then I read the list of ways parents abandon their kids and I have 8 out of 10. Oh then my favorite, emergence of the false self. Oh man that section was just for me. Here this is from the book, "After years of acting, performing and pretending- one loses contact with who one really is. One’s true self is numbed out." Sound oh so familiar? I like the exact word of ‘numb.’ Imagine that. Oh but wait there is more. We get to addictions. My favorite addiction is religion. I think my family has that. Addictions are "our ways of being alive and our ways of managing our feelings." The list of my addictions are the internet, thinking obsessively, overeating, starving, improper diet, and my favorite trauma. Oh I also have a risk of Cancer because of my emotional repression, yay! I read all of that in the first 6 pages. Well I’ll go back to reading. If I find anything else interesting, I’ll add. Wow, I completely understand now why people are closer to their parents after they move out. When you leave you have to break the ‘fantasy bond’ that you created since you were born and see your parents as the imperfect people they are. It makes so much sense! Okay back to reading. Ooo chart! Ekk…I followed theses steps. Damn. Okay back to reading. "Over time the child identifies with the false self and becomes totally unconscious of his own true feelings, needs and wants." Hmm, oh so familiar. Kinda get told that a lot. Okay back to reading. Isn’t funny how I have come to realize this of myself and yet I am nowhere closer to fixing myself. Crash into my arms. Wow this makes sense. The child is only a symptom of the sick system they are a part of. Wow fetuses are so…sensitive. No wonder I’m screwed up and well the whole society. Reading this just gives me more reason to make a better child. One without these problems cause by the mistakes of their parents. Wow, I’m learning so much. This is so fascinating. Functional marriage, functional kids; dysfunctional marriage, dysfunctional kids. Oh my…I think I found where my intimacy problems came from. Parents are suppose to model how to be in an intimate relationship and well my parents were rarely in the same room and I don’t recall them ever kissing…wow, yeah. "The 1st child will make decisions and hold values consistent with or in exact opposition to the father." "First children often have trouble developing high self-esteem." 2nds bond with the mother. "A male second may become a man just like mother wished she could have married. A female second may be promiscuous because the mother secretly wanted to be." Oh my god, this is so fascinating! I’m probably boring you, lol. Your veins run cold. The 3rd child identifies with marriage relationship. "Only children will often carry the family process functions." 3rd children have trouble making choices. The 4th catches unresolved family tensions. The children after just repeat. Wow the family trance, amazing. "The family is where the attainment of self-esteems takes place." Okay so I sort of gave up on reading the book so I have gone to skimming and reading the sections that might apply to me or seem interesting. Like this: "Thought Disorders: You get involved in generalities or details. You worry, ruminate and obsess a lot. You stay in your head to avoid your feelings. You read about your problems, rather than taking action." or "Lack of boundaries: You don’t know where you end and others begin- physically, emotionally, intellectually or spiritually. You don’t know what you really stand for." Oh this one! "Numbed out: You don’t feel your feelings. You don’t know what you feel. You don’t know how to express what you feel." Okay I’m done. I’ll give it back to her tomorrow. Yeah it didn’t help me.