Over these last couple weeks I have been told many times that I need a boyfriend and in response, I tell them that I don’t need anything. And I feel no need to have one or at least that’s what I tell myself. They tell me that I do, that it will help me or some sorts along those lines. I use to think that I needed a guy so he could be my knight in shining armor and pull from this darkness, and that’s a direct quote that I told Monica last year before Steve. They could be right but they could be wrong and I would rather not go out of my way to find one and hurt another person. If love finds me then I guess love finds me but really I don’t see that happening. Why have I suddenly had this train of thought? I have no idea. I was reading Blood of the Fold and when I finished my chapter, I just laid in my bed and thought and well this came to mind. I found it quite odd how all the guys that seem to like me are all fairly similar. Don’t get me wrong they are all different but most, there are exceptions but most have a similar trait that I really dislike. They feel the need to be next to me all the time like they need to be at my beck and call day and night. They hold no independence. Maybe I’m just not the romantic type or something but things like that put me off. People…well mostly Monica say I’m shallow and I’m not going to lie, I am but unlike Monica thinks looks aren’t everything. I mean personality does matter for me and just because I don’t like every guy that likes me doesn’t make me a bad, shallow person, does it? I try to like guys, I do…it’s just that I can’t find on that holds that like. I think I find that spark of like in someone but then a second later, it’s gone. It’s not as easy as just saying yes and dating them. Has that worked in the past for me? No. Just having a boyfriend doesn’t mean anything. It’s the like, the passion that means something. I could say yes to anyone but that doesn’t mean it will help me, if that’s what I even need. Am I right or am I just being crazy? I can’t be like Monica and find something in every guy that I can like. Maybe I am just picky. Maybe I do hold high standards. Love, hmm I almost don’t know what that is anymore. But then again, I can’t say I’ve ever felt love…well that kind of love. I don’t know. I think I am the problem but then other times I think that maybe I’m not. I mean it’s not like I have hordes of guys liking me, giving me the option like my friends and the guys that do, I never like them. Is it wrong to want to actually like your boyfriend? Hell I would actually like to be attracted to more guys. I feel like I’m asexual or something. The last guy I was remotely attracted to was Zach and well he really wasn’t that pretty but I felt like something was wrong with me so I told myself that I had a slight attraction to him when I first saw him so I held onto that. And before that was the guy I saw on orientation, oh man…he was hot. I’m not gonna lie, he was really hot. Steve agreed haha. Now that boy made me swoon. Before that…um physically attracted to…hmm…see I told you. I can’t even remember before this summer. Oh! In September when I went to Battle of the Bands, the guy that checked the microphones and instruments for The Fury, he was cute. And with my power, he walked by quite a few times. Other than that, I can’t remember any. And I remember that all three of these boys had fantastic black hair, haha, imagine that, right? Monica likes blondes, and I like black hair. Hmm and oddly enough I have blonde hair and she has black…I’ve always wanted black hair and she’s always wanted to be blonde.

In silence, in silence…

Sorry Blaqk Audio has gripped me. His voice…mystical. And when he sings those four words, it’s chilling. Could you save my life, had the boy you knew not died? I think that’s my favorite line. Man, I cannot wait to hear more Blaqk Audio. Oh my…wow, if you have the song, listen at 4:56. How he sings rain is…amazing. How it quivers.
Well I just had dinner and well I’d rather remain in doubt and in ignorance but that was stripped from me. Like I have said before, ignorance is bliss. Well I have to face the fact that my grandparents are dying. My grandpa is depressed because he knows he’s dying and my grandma knows this. She too is dying and had a little attack again today. If one dies, so will the other. They need each other and don’t know how they will continue without the other. So when one goes I won’t have just lost one grandparent but both. But these just aren’t just grandparents to me. These people took me in when I had no home. They raised me for that time like their own child. It was hard for all of us but nonetheless they took me in. I have lived with them. I am close to them. Who else am I going to tell my "make the world a better place" theories to when my grandma is gone? Who is going to tell me his war stories when my grandpa is gone? What could hurt more is that my grandma wants to go but then again, is that really worse? The fact that she is ready to go? She wants to be with her savior. In a better place. The bliss that is religion. I hope she is right. My grandpa on the other hand, I don’t think he is ready. And I am so terribly sorry that he has to face it, knowing it is coming. Those who know that their time to face Death is coming are the ones I have pity for. I’m not going to lie, death strikes a deep fear in me.

Now do you see the thoughts I am plagued with? My mind is always racing and usually with not so happy thoughts. I can never get it to shut up. If I look at you with wide eyes like I’m trying not to blink, it’s most likely because I’m trying my best to focus and keep my mind from continuing on its race of depressing thoughts. Thoughts that are close to paranoia, if not so. Actually I told Bryan some of my thoughts once and he told me that they were paranoia. Maybe I have sitzophrenia like my aunt. Well if I start mumbling about unicorns and bunnies then Josh says he will visit me in the asylum but if I have voices telling me to kill then he won’t. My mind just started on another topic but I will end here because you probably wouldn’t want to hear this odd ramble. Till next time, ciao!