I haven’t made an entry in awhile so here is one but sadly it won’t be a happy one. Now I have been trying to be happy lately and I would have to say, I succeeded. I mean I felt happy and things seemed to be going for me. But I guess nothing has really changed underneath it all. I guess I can only cover it up for so long. I guess my cover up time has shortened dramatically. I held it in for so many years and then when I hit high school it all started to unravel and I couldn’t cover it up anymore. Those were dark times and over these last couple months I realized that I had gotten too comfortable in that sadness. I had let it overwhelm me and Monica had let me see that. So taking her advice I was happier but I guess it was just covering up the underlying problem and feelings. Now I will be just sitting somewhere and tears will fall down my cheeks and then I start to feel sad. I don’t like it. I don’t want it. It’s like a drug. I know it’s bad but it’s comforting and familiar but I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want it gone. I don’t want to be like that again. I like being happy. I want to have a normal life or at least as normal of a life I could possibly have. I just don’t want the sadness. I’m stronger than that. I know I am. I just need to find a way to fix this. To find out what the main problem is so I can stop covering it up and acting like nothing is wrong. That doesn’t fix anything. It will just cause more problems in the end and probably send me to an asylum. My dad has already threatened to send me to one. I don’t need to give him cause to. I’m so very tired but I doubt I’ll be able to sleep. I have too many tears and too many unsolved feelings. I am trying to get my life on track. I am getting my life started and gathering more stuff to be more independent though I have found that I have gotten scared. I have my own money but a part of me feels like I shouldn’t use it and part of me just want to fall to my dad like I have my whole life. It’s scary. I thought I could do it but I guess my dad was right, I’m not. I’m still a kid that is looking out through a window at the world thinking that I could go out there by myself without holding my father’s hand. And being a teenager, I thought I knew it all and that my dad didn’t know what he was talking about. The fact that he had been in the world for almost 50 years didn’t matter because in my 17 years of life I knew more than he did. Man was I naïve. But I should be glad that I realized this now before I had done something stupid.

I think I figured out why I had been so sad lately. I miss my mom tremulously… and I hate it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to care. I don’t want to think about this.