What the fuck is wrong with me!?! It's pissing me off. Why can't I just be happy? Really I thought I was doing better. I was feeling better, almost happy and then it comes again. It's no longer sadness, its just nothing. I don't want to do anything! Fuck! I'm telling myself I'm mad and I don't feel it! Like I have the damn thoughts but no feeling! What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I have to find problems? Why do I endlessly claim I have problems! Fucking...gahhhha. Monica was over and we were having fun and I was hungry and within minutes, my mood dropped and I wasn't hungry. I don't want to fucking eat! What is wrong with me? I haven't had anything all day and actually barely anything for a long time. I can't remember when I ate normally and yet I can't get rid of weight! God damn. I feel nothing! All just thoughts. Do you understand?! I'm sure you think that I must have feelings if I say this but really just empty thoughts. I feel nothing. It's not numb like before, it's not empty, it's just blank. I was looking at boys on VampireFreaks which I normally enjoy and I was in the middle of looking at a pretty boy when I couldn't even stand myself and what I was doing and clicked out and then hit my head on the glass desk and logged off the internet. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be online. I don't want to eat. I don't want to listen to music. I don't want to watch tv. I don't want to do anything. I don't even feel the need to cry. I feel nothing! What the hell is this? I thought I had depression but I'm not sad! I'm not suicidal, I'm not anything. The books say that depression can cause other mental problems, maybe I have one. God damn and there I go agian giving me things that might related so I can have god damn pity. I hate myself, actually no I don't that's another pity thing. I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. Leave me alone.

Written over a couple days: I’m finally reading that book my counselor lent me and well I’m on page 6 and I have many of these problems. I supposedly have a few addictions and it’s because of my shame that I got from family abandonment. Shame is different than guilt. "Guilt says I’ve done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I’ve made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good; shame says I am no good." And I’ve had every single one of those thoughts and multiple times actually almost daily. Then I read the list of ways parents abandon their kids and I have 8 out of 10. Oh then my favorite, emergence of the false self. Oh man that section was just for me. Here this is from the book, "After years of acting, performing and pretending- one loses contact with who one really is. One’s true self is numbed out." Sound oh so familiar? I like the exact word of ‘numb.’ Imagine that. Oh but wait there is more. We get to addictions. My favorite addiction is religion. I think my family has that. Addictions are "our ways of being alive and our ways of managing our feelings." The list of my addictions are the internet, thinking obsessively, overeating, starving, improper diet, and my favorite trauma. Oh I also have a risk of Cancer because of my emotional repression, yay! I read all of that in the first 6 pages. Well I’ll go back to reading. If I find anything else interesting, I’ll add. Wow, I completely understand now why people are closer to their parents after they move out. When you leave you have to break the ‘fantasy bond’ that you created since you were born and see your parents as the imperfect people they are. It makes so much sense! Okay back to reading. Ooo chart! Ekk…I followed theses steps. Damn. Okay back to reading. "Over time the child identifies with the false self and becomes totally unconscious of his own true feelings, needs and wants." Hmm, oh so familiar. Kinda get told that a lot. Okay back to reading. Isn’t funny how I have come to realize this of myself and yet I am nowhere closer to fixing myself. Crash into my arms. Wow this makes sense. The child is only a symptom of the sick system they are a part of. Wow fetuses are so…sensitive. No wonder I’m screwed up and well the whole society. Reading this just gives me more reason to make a better child. One without these problems cause by the mistakes of their parents. Wow, I’m learning so much. This is so fascinating. Functional marriage, functional kids; dysfunctional marriage, dysfunctional kids. Oh my…I think I found where my intimacy problems came from. Parents are suppose to model how to be in an intimate relationship and well my parents were rarely in the same room and I don’t recall them ever kissing…wow, yeah. "The 1st child will make decisions and hold values consistent with or in exact opposition to the father." "First children often have trouble developing high self-esteem." 2nds bond with the mother. "A male second may become a man just like mother wished she could have married. A female second may be promiscuous because the mother secretly wanted to be." Oh my god, this is so fascinating! I’m probably boring you, lol. Your veins run cold. The 3rd child identifies with marriage relationship. "Only children will often carry the family process functions." 3rd children have trouble making choices. The 4th catches unresolved family tensions. The children after just repeat. Wow the family trance, amazing. "The family is where the attainment of self-esteems takes place." Okay so I sort of gave up on reading the book so I have gone to skimming and reading the sections that might apply to me or seem interesting. Like this: "Thought Disorders: You get involved in generalities or details. You worry, ruminate and obsess a lot. You stay in your head to avoid your feelings. You read about your problems, rather than taking action." or "Lack of boundaries: You don’t know where you end and others begin- physically, emotionally, intellectually or spiritually. You don’t know what you really stand for." Oh this one! "Numbed out: You don’t feel your feelings. You don’t know what you feel. You don’t know how to express what you feel." Okay I’m done. I’ll give it back to her tomorrow. Yeah it didn’t help me.

Well I was awoken by the most annoying noise. I would have loved to not be woken up at 7 by hammering right next to my ear on a Saturday. But hey that might just be me. Some how I managed to get back to sleep awhile after and awoke again at 11 by the same sound. Unhappily I got up washed my face and then went to see what everyone was doing today. Well I search the house to find it empty and no note. I found this so weird because A) they are always home when I wake up but I usually wake before them, and B) if on the rare occasions they leave they always tell me. So I was a little freaked out but figured it was nothing. So I got on and turned my music up, feeling the freedom of actually having the house to myself. Well after awhile of looking at pretty boys, great music and answering all my messages, I decide to start getting my day start sense I woke much later then usual. So I did my laundry and called Mel to see if we were still going to the mall to get Monica's birthday present. She didn't seem like she wanted to but I think we are still going. It's 1:36 by the way so I'm not sure how this day is going to end up like. Before I die, I will have seen it all! The mountians I have climbed help me enjoy the fall! Oh the webs we weave! Ah I love Escape The Fate. So continue with our little story. Okay so I invited Sophia to join us but I don't think that will happen. My dad finally called me back after like 3 hours! Jeez I was about to think he was dead. He supposly hadn't wanted to wake me. Reach out and you may take my heart away. Aww, Davey is a cutey. I saw a new adorable picture of him. So yeah my dad should be back in an hour. I was like, "I was thinking of going to the mall."
"Oh you can go."
"I don't have any money to buy Monica a birthday present."
He laughs, "Oh, okay. I'll be home in an hour."
So yeah now, I'm sitting here, listening to music, looking at pretty boys and still sitting in my pjs...
I should do something but I dunno, haha. So yesterday, 4-20. Wanna here what I did? I stayed out all night, lol. Okay because of the wonderful WASL testing schedule and the fact that I'm an upperclassman, I didn't have to be at school till 9:45, I got to sleep in all week. But Friday was the last day so Monica, Meggs and I decided to go out to breakfast. So I didn't get to sleep in very much and Monica picked me up around 7:25. Then we swung by and picked up Megan. And yes I wore my new liquid eyeliner and purple lipstick and no I didn't fling my bracelet into the middle of the road like I did the day before when I jumped over her bushes. So we got in the car and then we had to go back to Mons because she had forgot her money. Then we were half way to IHop when Monica realised she didn't have her english paper so we had to swing back and go get it. So we get it and then finally make it to IHop, haha. So we get a seat and order. Megan only gets coffee and Monica and I share the cinnamon icing pancakes things. They are my favorite thing there! They are so good! So we ate, left a tip, paid and then left. We were ahead of schedule so we decided to stop by Mons so she could get her Super Kriptonite. Yeah so we played with that stuff. It was this awesome green gack like stuff. And then head to school. We were really considering just skipping school but for some odd reason we were good kids and actually went plus if we were going to skip, there were cops everywhere and we were driving illegally. So we get near school to find we still have twenty minutes before school actually starts so I say I wanted a milkshake so we decide to go to Dairy Queen to get a Moolatte. We don't like on this side of the water so we didn't have an idea where one would be but I had lived there a little bit with my grandparents so I knew where one was...kinda. So we are driving for awhile and so we decide to pull over and ask this man if there was a Dairy Queen closer. He kinda looked at us weird because it was 9 in the morning and we just stop our car next to him, lol. So he points us in the other direction and saw to go that way. So we turn around and head back. We are driving and we pass the school again and see Steve and Will walking so we stop and I yell at them, "Get in the car! We are going to Dairy Queen!" So they walk over and Steve says that he can't because there was a reason he had got to school early. Ahem, meaning he had to go find his supplyer so celebrate before school aka he had to go smoke pot. Which later I find out he couldn't find him. So anyway we force Will in the car and tell him to help us to get to Dairy Queen because we have no idea. So we driver FOREVER! All the way across town to this Dairy Queen and we get out to find it closed...I guess they don't open till 10. So we get back in and drive back to school because it was about to start. Oh and Monica has a rule in her car, if it's your first time in the car, you have to get naked. And although it wasn't Will's first time in her car, the first time it had been his birthday and we kinda almost killed him...ahem yeah...so this time had was told to get naked. It was also his punishment for making us go all the way across town to find Dairy Queen closed, lol. So he took off his shirt and then he stopped and we were too busy trying to act normal next to this cop and trying to get to shcool on time that we didn't yell at him again, though we took his shirt. So we when we got near school we were already late and then we had to find parking...Finally we found a spot a couple blocks away, Monica had her first class on the 3rd floor so I felt bad for her and the rest of us had our class in the basement. So Meggs and I walk into our class late and sneak to our spots without the teacher noticing and sat down. It was funny because right after us two people walked in and the teacher goes, "Why are you late!?!" It made Meggs and I laugh. So the day was pretty boring. I was expecting to see my stoner school all high but I didn't really see any. So the day was fairly boring. So on the way home, I find that I am ordered to go to Bryan's. They wanted to shoot at me. So I go to Bryan's. We played his Wii for awhile till Mike came over with his new airsoft gun and he has to take it apart 'cos the trigger was stuck. So I was telling them that I was scared and I was probably going to cry because I'm a pussy like that. And I knew that if I cried they would never let me live it down. So eventually Sarah and Kimmy come over and we all choose our guns. And because I have awesome powers in guilt I was given the exception (The only time ever) to be aloud to keep my coat on. So the teams were Mike, Kerian (Bryan's brother) and I against Bryan, Sarah and Kimmy. Bryan pretty much was my only target. So before we started Bryan shot me in the leg and back with the weakest gun so I could "get use to the pain." Stupid crap, loser. It stung but it didn't hurt. So we started and it was fun. I grew quite fond of my gun, lol. During the timeouts I shot at Bryan, lol he was the most fun to hit because he would make sounds of pain. So during the fight, Brayn shot at me and it went through my nail, hit me in the face and then my broken nail came flying off and hit me in the nose. That hurt so bad. Hey I just found a bruise on my leg, lol. Okay yeah so that hurt so bad. Bryan came running over and was like, "I'm sorry! What happened, I was aiming for your arm. Alicia, I was aiming for your arm." He was like freaking out and well I started crying and I was cursing. "Fuck. It's okay Bryan, I'm okay. Fuck, it hurts." So I wipe away my tears, shot Bryan and go back out. I got hit a couple more times in the face but they didn't hurt. So somehow after awhile, Kimmy quit (She's a pacifist so she never wanted to play.) and Sarah had turned to my side and Mike left. So we were playing like this for awhile and then Kerian turned on everyone. Oh my, Kerian's gun hurts! Omg, that was the only one. He shot me in the ass once and it hurt for like 20 mintues, it stung for so long. I'm surprised it didn't welt. Well it was fun. Then we went in, palyed the Wii some more and Mike left. Later we talked in Bryan's room and I tore down his connect tower thingy and wore it on my head. Then at around 11 I went home to get a call from Sohpia telling me she sent me a link to a pretty boy's mysace. So then I went to bed. My dad is home and doesn't seem happy...byes.

Oh god, help me please. I can’t take this feeling. I’m crying. It won’t go away. Please, I beg you, please help me. Nothing I seem to rid me of it. Even doing things I normally do won’t rid me of this. Please. I can’t explain this. It’s like I’m not me. I have felt weird all day and it wasn’t until now that I didn’t feel myself and it was like this weight was placed on me and my soul is like freaking out. I feel better now. Oh my god, just thinking about what just happened, scares me. It kind of felt what I would think an anxiety attack would feel like. Just thinking of that feeling, that deep feeling in my very soul, brings tears to my eyes. You don’t understand how frightening that feeling was. I’m shivering. This scares me you guys. I don’t what to do. What should I do? Tell me. Please? I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. I don’t want to be this me anymore. I want to go back. I saw a video of me and the sadness in my face…is that how I look everyday? I didn’t feel sad. Why is it that it hides itself from me but shows so plainly on the outside? I don’t like this me. Is this really me? And if not, which parts are real? Am I real at all? Why can’t my feelings work normally like everyone else’s? I don’t like the hollow smiles I show. I thought they were real. How can people stand to look at me? I still don’t feel like myself. I’m starting to get that floating above body feeling again. I hated that horrible feeling. I want someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright. Give me some hope. I’m so very cold and slightly hollow feeling. Why did I get this way? Why? Why me? Other people have had problems but didn’t get this so why me? I can’t stand the thought of listening to music right now and I can’t bare the thought of wearing black tomorrow. It’s like my being is rebelling against everything that is me or what I think is me.

After that I had curled into a ball, holding my knees in an attempt to warm my freezing body and calm my ravenous mind and to stop the tears. And then I fell asleep. The sleep was nice and peaceful and when I awoke I felt slightly better. I was still trying to stay in a sleep state, when my dad came in. I turned toward him and that was when I realized I was slightly shaking. He asked me what was wrong and I told him nothing and thanked him for the food. I feel much better but I can still slightly feel that feeling deep in me and it scares me. I don’t know what to do.

Written yesterday after I got back from the super mall:

OMG! I just got back from the mall and there was this HOT boy at Hot Topic! He had omg, wonderful hair and for once he didn't have black hair! I know amazing, he was blonde but wow, beautiful. He worked there and he liked popped out of nowhere and started talking to me and my friend thinks he was hitting on me but I think he was just doing his job and being friendly. Like he popped out of nowhere and was like, "I like your fingerless gloves. You like mine?" then he showed me his and we talked about how they didn't match and I told him how I got mine at the dollar store and made mine. But like I just noticed, he wasn't wearing his. It was like he took them out just to have something in common with me or something, hmm odd. Then he said his were gifts and then he said hi to my friend and then he was like, "You have a question, just ask me" and then we walked away. He checked out our stuff and I was telling my friend how I was mad at her for screwing up what I was gonna get her for her birthday and he goes, "Yeah I'm mad at you too." Oh he was cute! Then he told us to put our things together and he would stamp my card. Hehe he was so cute. He was singing to the music playing, it was cute. Oh then there was a 50% off make up sell! Omg great day! I got some liquid eyeliner, purple lip stick and black nail polish. Oh my, good day!

The sweet smell of vanilla smoke is filling my room. Justin threw a lighter at me today on the bus so I kept it and well played with the flames all the way home. Then when I got home, I wanted something to burn but refrained and decided to burn an incense. Steve remembered that boy, haha. Oh Steve was talking and said he wasn’t going to prom. I pushed him and told him that he had to. I told him that I would go and drag him with me. Ben was talking and was saying how if you don’t go to your prom then you end up screwed up. I mean just look at his dad, lol. I fell asleep in my book last night and I mean really on the pages. I didn’t know I had until I was waking up and moved and I hear this thud and look over to see my book on the floor. So then I was like, "Damnit! I lost my place." So I pick it up and search for my page. I found it then start reading and well I had to pull myself away from the book to go get ready. I think the fact that I really needed to go pee helped. I just ran out of the starburst jellybeans Meggs and Mel gave me, sad. Oh that’s’ cool, starburst doesn’t have a red line under it! Haha sweet! I hate that red line. It’s telling me right now that Meggs, Mel, haha, Davey, wiL, lol and a few other words are wrong. I really liked those jellybeans. Oh dang, I need to go to the bathroom but Crawling by Linkin Park came on and I can’t possibly miss this song, duh. It’s like a self-control I fear is never ending. Oh damn, I like this song too, The Pot by Tool. Who are you to wave your finger? Oh well, I need to go. And walking back into my room I get the lovely smell of vanilla. Krissy gave me a bracelet today. It’s one of those beaded ones and it’s black and white. I was told it looked very emo and I laughed. It went nicely with my all black outfit and fingerless gloves. Richard broke the wizard’s 3rd rule. I have 92 pages left. In every book, Richard breaks the new wizard rule he learns. 1st book broke the 1st rule. 2nd book broke the second rule. Actually Monica says that Richard breaks every rule, lol loser. I like Richard though. Oh Nathan makes me laugh. That guy is around 1000 years old and he still acts like a kid. He was talking to Ann and he was like, "I want a sword." and she asked why he would want a sword when he is a powerful wizard and replies, "It will make me look dashing." Haha, Nathan is awesome. He’s some prophet. Kathie just slid something I would assume to be heavy to me door. I really don’t want to get up but I kinda want to know what’s in this box that I have to go through. Maybe I’ll find more of my gamecube games. Fine, I’ll get up. Sweet my pokemon cards! Yeah yeah, I still have my pokemon cards. Actually, I’m gonna watch the movies later. So there. AHHHHHH! MY FINGERS! THEY HAVE TOUCHED THE TAINTED! Haha actually no I just pulled a Briteny Spears cd out of the box. Haha. Omg I’m so going to listen to it. I’m not gonna lie, I will probably like it. It’s the Opps!…I Did It Again cd. I have her first one too. Oh it has Lucky on it. I like that song. I found my gameboy! Sweet! Haha I found a maraca. I found a playstation game. And one of those hand buzzers. Haha the thing doesn’t hurt but it loud. Kay I can get on so I will post this. Ciao!

You know who I want to meet? A punk. Ever since I saw Valley Girl, the punk attitude seems intoxicating. It fascinates me so much. Plus I like the style. I really want to meet a real punk, someone who is punk at heart. It’s more than just a genre of music, it’s a lifestyle. I don’t know where that came from but it was in my mind so I thought I should share. You remember me saying how there are just those people that fascinate the hell out of me? Well punks are a few of those people. The people who are usually considered "outsiders" are usually the ones who fascinates me. I don’t know what it is about these people but they just draw me in. Actually you know who I really want to meet? That boy I saw on orientation. Oh my, yeah…I don’t know why he popped into my head but I don’t mind him there. Man did he have awesome hair! I doubt I’ll ever see him though, it was like a once in a lifetime meeting…well once in a lifetime glance. Sigh, oh well. But really, that boy had both Steve and I taking second glances. Ah, I still remember the conversation.
"Wow."
"I know."
"Alicia-"
"Oh, I know! I see!"
Then he walked by us and Steve and I both kind of stopped but quickly remembered we were in the middle of the street. And then I hoped that he went to Stadium and well I’ve never seen him again so I guess he doesn’t but then again he looked like19. I giggled like a little schoolgirl afterwards, actually I was like in awe and shock, partly speechless. He had beautiful black hair much like Davey’s and I remember liking his clothes and well the rest is sorta a blur. I didn’t get a great look at his face though I think I recall a lip ring. I just remember thinking, "Oh my god!" then shock and just simply in wow. I wouldn’t be surprised if my mouth was hanging open. I had never reacted that badly before, it was kinda an amazing feeling. I don’t feel like that very often so it was fun. Wow I really enjoyed that little flashback, haha. Now I’m going to ask Steve if he remembers that guy. Doubt he doesn’t, I mean who could! I remember talking to Monica after orientation about him. We were talking about how if I ever saw him again it would be fate and I would have to talk to him. Well I guess it wasn’t fate, lol. Oh I also remember he was fairly tall too. Well seemed tall to me so that’s not saying much. I usually say guys are cute or beautiful or something along those lines but I will say it, this guy was hot.

This is completely off topic of that guy’s hotness but I just realized that I am sort of a romantic. I am listening to Goodbye, We’re Falling Fast by Aiden and going over Megan and mine’s dance and well thinking of how beautiful and romantic the song is and then I was thinking of writing a poem and that got me thinking of my poems and how love is a big topic and so I guess I’m sorta a romantic. And that is a very long run-on sentence that Word is freaking over. All of Aiden’s songs are romantic well most of them are. How empty are the answers? I like that line. WiL can be attractive but honestly sometimes his make-up is odd and kind of creepy. Actually he’s kind of a creepy guy. In a fanfic, wiL is my boyfriend, haha. Obviously Davey and Jade were taken. I don’t have a big role in the story though because I don’t know the girl very well. I don’t talk much in the story, I’m usually just making out with wiL. It makes me laugh and though the girl has Davey all wrong in the story, I still read it just because I’m in it and its semi entertaining. I get a kick out of Fanfics, well some. Some of them have way too much sex for me. I prefer some plot. I read one and the girl pretty much just had sex with Davey over and over. Boring and disturbing, I mean this are like girls younger than me and if I were Davey, I would be flattered but slightly disturbed at these stories. WiL is a fan of AFI…just a random fact for you. And yes he spells his name wiL. He’s just cool like that. Man has he had a tough life though. Heroine addiction, living on the streets, seeing friends kill themselves right in front of him, and such. Die Romantic is about his friend who killed herself by shooting herself right in front of him. I really like whispering in songs, the fast chaotic whispering like in The Midnight Sun by AFI and in I Set My Friends on Fire by Aiden. You know what, I was thinking and all those people who think that like AFI is following the "emo" trend and like their style and such. But like that’s crazy because AFI are the elders of it, they started it. They have been around longer than the "trend." So to those people, I say, "Ha ha ha, losers!" They are above you all. They be gods! I’m tired. I shall read. From your cold hands and your dead eyes. Now I really like that line. I have 125 pages left of The Blood of the Fold. My grandparents were born in the Great Depression. Hmm and near the dust bowl. I just calculated that they were born in about 1936. I’m cool like that. You like how this post has changed? You know what? I don’t get any comments. *Tear* Actually no one really reads this so I don’t really expect comments. I probably wouldn’t know if I got one. It would be like a foreign substance to me. We had trouble at the gas station. I still have sand in my shoes. I’ve just gone through all 19 of my Aiden songs. I wonder what I should listen to next. Well right after this song. She cuts the blade although it’s much too dull. I say she’s all alone fighting for redemption. I know little pain, a little lust. I lose myself at night to feel the rush of tearing my skin apart. Take this sadness and close your eyes love. And now its Fall Out Boy, just a tad different. I’m gonna go read, ciao!

Oh my god, my eyes are watering and I’m breathing hard. I just coughed extremely hard for what seemed like a lifetime but was only a few minutes. It came from deep in my chest and was so rough and painful that I could hardly breath. I think it has stopped, well for now at least…

I damn them to hell. I swear. I just had the best ham ever and I damn them for it. Even the smell of it cooking was making my mouth water, the smell of cooking rotting flesh of a helpless pig that was raised in it’s own filth and feed unnatural things to only be bred just to die to be our food. When I first thought I wanted to become vegetarian I knew it would be hard, that I would want it but then I lost all craving for meat and haven’t had any for some time and now I have the memory of the taste I will be missing. I truly damn them.

Ah the blind faith people put in religion. I’m reading Blood of the Fold, the 3rd book in the Sword of Truth series and I’m just laughing at the faith and dedication to what they think they are doing for their Creator. Like the Blood of the Fold for example, they think that magic is evil and the work of the Keeper, yet they use the very thing they think is evil to stop it. They think that their beloved Creator wants them to go out and kill innocent people who supposedly process the touch of the Keeper whether they have proof the person has magic or not. Take Tobias Brogan, the leader of the Blood of the Fold, his persistent foolishness through wanting to fulfilling the Creator’s wishes makes me laugh the most but then again I know the truth. He, like his sister who travels with him, I believe has the gift but that has not been stated and proven true, yet. He thinks he has been graced with having the creator appear to him in his dreams. I on the hand am almost positive it is the Dream Walker, which only gives me more reason to believe Brogan has the gift. Now what makes this funny? Well Brogan is with Morswith right now and he thinks this is wrong but yet because they say the Dream Walker sent them, he thinks they are beings from the Creator. He even tells his sister this, "The things he tells me are becoming more and more unsound." Brogan means the Creator talking in his dreams. When his sister is confused he says this, "Lunetta, I believe there is trouble. I believe the Creator is going insane." When I read that, I laughed. The Creator, an almighty god, going insane? How can he still believe that he is doing the Creator’s work? Ah but he is only breaking the wizard’s first rule and well I guess the second rule too.

Haha, I’m such a book nerd.

Blaqk Audio has a new blog and I have yet to see it. I shall sneak online tonight and see if I can read it. I have no idea when I’ll be able to post this because I’m not really allowed on. I would do it at school but my blog is blocked. I also have 12 unread message because I can’t go on and reply to them. I can answer some at school but like the buzznet and myspace ones, I can’t because they are blocked and I’m sure I have Vampire Freaks messages too but that is also blocked. I’m slowly dying of boredom.

Well I guess I will be posting this today. I was given permission to go on…

Written Tuesday night:

Well I just cried and in the shower too, how very emo of me. Yes I’m in one of "those" moods so expect bitter cursing and self-hatred thoughts. I just want to break down. I want to let it all just pour out of me in hope that I will either be healed or dead. Either seems fine to me. But even when I break down and think I have it all out, I find out that it’s all still there. I swear my mind is going to kill me. Why can’t I just let things be? Why does my mind insist on remembering everything or at least the bad things and the things I have done that I think regard me badly. Oh man, my mind won’t shut up. I swear I’m going to lose it one of these days and kill myself, the thought is scary yet comforting which also scares me. All these years I have been scared to death of a few things and of those things one is having mental problem like sitzophrenia like my aunt and I’m not all too sure I don’t have one. There is something wrong with my head but I don’t think it’s something serious like that though serious. And when I say something is wrong with my head, I mean it. I’m not just saying that jokingly and lightly, I mean that I think something is wrong with my head. Actually I know something is wrong with me. The attachment to sorrow is not natural. I also think I have an eating problem (that was another fear I had m whole life), which I don’t mind, like I said I’m screwed up. Don’t think I’m making this up. Like thinking, "Oh if she really had an eating problem she wouldn’t tell anyone," or whatever but like I said, I’m not going to really keep anything back in here and plus these are my thoughts. All my thoughts have double standards. I know part of me wants the attention from my pain, part of me loves the pain and another wants to be rid of it all. I think of the last part as the good part. The fairly reasonable one that knows all these things are bad and wants them gone. With the eating problem with is much like anorexia goes hand and hand with my self-worth, self-esteem problem. On Friday when it was all sunny, I was at Mel’s with her, Monica and Josh and we were going to the beach and Monica started taking my coat off and stuff. She had made me change earlier into a tight red top and well I sorta broke down after loosing my coat. I started crying and telling them how I thought I was ugly and fat and all this stuff. I wear loose clothing for a reason and when I’m at home I always have a blanket around me whether I’m cold or not. It will be 80 degrees outside and I’ll still have my blanket on. Monica tried cheering me up by saying that looks didn’t matter and who cares what people think and stuff but it really didn’t help though I lead her to believe it did. I know she told Ben to tell me I looked pretty when we saw him later, she kinda made it obvious, her sly code talk didn’t hide anything and I don’t think he wanted to but he did tell me later which I just blew off. I found out today I guess I’m a 6 on normal days but today because I was wearing a gray coat instead of a black one, I was a 8. See I’m a 6. And all that I have just said wasn’t the reason I cried imagine that, though all of those issues have made me cry many of times. What did? My dad. Honestly, I’m going to try a lot fucking harder and I’m going to get a job and I’m moving out as soon as I can. I can’t handle this anymore. If anything, I’m gonna live with my mom the whole summer so I don’t have to be in this hell hole and then as soon as I’m 18 I’m on my own. My mom may have problems but she accepts me. She understands me unlike everyone in this damn household and well almost everyone in my damned life. I was talking to my dad on the phone and he was pissed. He was saying how the computer was causing problems though I never really go on anymore and how I have these problems and I need to try harder and fix these things about myself and like how my music has corrupted me and how it’s "evil." And I’m fucking crying again. I thought I was going to start crying at the beginning of this but I felt nothing. I was saying my problems yet I felt nothing. Fucking A, I’m a fucking mess up. I’m just screwed up. You know what? I hope he takes everything away from me like he threatens then I’ll go into a deep depression and maybe gather the fucking courage to pull a trigger or stab myself and kill whatever is left of my pathetic soul. But of course here is my other side talking. I don’t want that to really happen and I know it never will as much as my mind dreams it. Actually I haven’t had any real suicidal thoughts in awhile. A lot of my pain is made up, I think. I like the comfort of it and honestly I don’t think I know how to survive and work without it. Keep in mind this is all the 3rd part talking, the good part. The other parts want the pain, embrace it and cause it. See how I’m torn? The logic in my mind tells me that I need to stop doing this but it really is only thoughts that are over powered by the others that have more control. I’m sure it’s one of those parts, probably the second that keeps these thoughts in my head about the things Monica does and the things people do to criticize me and gives me bad thoughts of them and bad things I would like to say to them. I try t keep them down so I don’t dwell on fights and such but they always pop back up when everything is hunky dory…AFI reference, sorry couldn’t contain myself…technically it’s a David Bowie reference but AFI used it…long story. Anyway, the tears stopped. I’m cold. This blanket is doing nothing for me. I’m slightly tired though I doubt I’ll get sleep and I have a feeling this will be a hard week and I hope I can escape this weekend. I hope I have a nightmare but I know I shouldn’t hope that yet this is all the good side says, it has no feeling.

Over these last couple weeks I have been told many times that I need a boyfriend and in response, I tell them that I don’t need anything. And I feel no need to have one or at least that’s what I tell myself. They tell me that I do, that it will help me or some sorts along those lines. I use to think that I needed a guy so he could be my knight in shining armor and pull from this darkness, and that’s a direct quote that I told Monica last year before Steve. They could be right but they could be wrong and I would rather not go out of my way to find one and hurt another person. If love finds me then I guess love finds me but really I don’t see that happening. Why have I suddenly had this train of thought? I have no idea. I was reading Blood of the Fold and when I finished my chapter, I just laid in my bed and thought and well this came to mind. I found it quite odd how all the guys that seem to like me are all fairly similar. Don’t get me wrong they are all different but most, there are exceptions but most have a similar trait that I really dislike. They feel the need to be next to me all the time like they need to be at my beck and call day and night. They hold no independence. Maybe I’m just not the romantic type or something but things like that put me off. People…well mostly Monica say I’m shallow and I’m not going to lie, I am but unlike Monica thinks looks aren’t everything. I mean personality does matter for me and just because I don’t like every guy that likes me doesn’t make me a bad, shallow person, does it? I try to like guys, I do…it’s just that I can’t find on that holds that like. I think I find that spark of like in someone but then a second later, it’s gone. It’s not as easy as just saying yes and dating them. Has that worked in the past for me? No. Just having a boyfriend doesn’t mean anything. It’s the like, the passion that means something. I could say yes to anyone but that doesn’t mean it will help me, if that’s what I even need. Am I right or am I just being crazy? I can’t be like Monica and find something in every guy that I can like. Maybe I am just picky. Maybe I do hold high standards. Love, hmm I almost don’t know what that is anymore. But then again, I can’t say I’ve ever felt love…well that kind of love. I don’t know. I think I am the problem but then other times I think that maybe I’m not. I mean it’s not like I have hordes of guys liking me, giving me the option like my friends and the guys that do, I never like them. Is it wrong to want to actually like your boyfriend? Hell I would actually like to be attracted to more guys. I feel like I’m asexual or something. The last guy I was remotely attracted to was Zach and well he really wasn’t that pretty but I felt like something was wrong with me so I told myself that I had a slight attraction to him when I first saw him so I held onto that. And before that was the guy I saw on orientation, oh man…he was hot. I’m not gonna lie, he was really hot. Steve agreed haha. Now that boy made me swoon. Before that…um physically attracted to…hmm…see I told you. I can’t even remember before this summer. Oh! In September when I went to Battle of the Bands, the guy that checked the microphones and instruments for The Fury, he was cute. And with my power, he walked by quite a few times. Other than that, I can’t remember any. And I remember that all three of these boys had fantastic black hair, haha, imagine that, right? Monica likes blondes, and I like black hair. Hmm and oddly enough I have blonde hair and she has black…I’ve always wanted black hair and she’s always wanted to be blonde.

In silence, in silence…

Sorry Blaqk Audio has gripped me. His voice…mystical. And when he sings those four words, it’s chilling. Could you save my life, had the boy you knew not died? I think that’s my favorite line. Man, I cannot wait to hear more Blaqk Audio. Oh my…wow, if you have the song, listen at 4:56. How he sings rain is…amazing. How it quivers.
Well I just had dinner and well I’d rather remain in doubt and in ignorance but that was stripped from me. Like I have said before, ignorance is bliss. Well I have to face the fact that my grandparents are dying. My grandpa is depressed because he knows he’s dying and my grandma knows this. She too is dying and had a little attack again today. If one dies, so will the other. They need each other and don’t know how they will continue without the other. So when one goes I won’t have just lost one grandparent but both. But these just aren’t just grandparents to me. These people took me in when I had no home. They raised me for that time like their own child. It was hard for all of us but nonetheless they took me in. I have lived with them. I am close to them. Who else am I going to tell my "make the world a better place" theories to when my grandma is gone? Who is going to tell me his war stories when my grandpa is gone? What could hurt more is that my grandma wants to go but then again, is that really worse? The fact that she is ready to go? She wants to be with her savior. In a better place. The bliss that is religion. I hope she is right. My grandpa on the other hand, I don’t think he is ready. And I am so terribly sorry that he has to face it, knowing it is coming. Those who know that their time to face Death is coming are the ones I have pity for. I’m not going to lie, death strikes a deep fear in me.

Now do you see the thoughts I am plagued with? My mind is always racing and usually with not so happy thoughts. I can never get it to shut up. If I look at you with wide eyes like I’m trying not to blink, it’s most likely because I’m trying my best to focus and keep my mind from continuing on its race of depressing thoughts. Thoughts that are close to paranoia, if not so. Actually I told Bryan some of my thoughts once and he told me that they were paranoia. Maybe I have sitzophrenia like my aunt. Well if I start mumbling about unicorns and bunnies then Josh says he will visit me in the asylum but if I have voices telling me to kill then he won’t. My mind just started on another topic but I will end here because you probably wouldn’t want to hear this odd ramble. Till next time, ciao!

Ow, as I cough up a lung. This cough gets worse every day. Well at least I haven't thrown up...well yet, I kinda feel like I might. Well read this:
It's Just a Prop

You know what? I've been listening to a lot of unmixed versions of what will eventually comprise this Blaqkauido record that we keep threatening you with and let me tell you, I'm deeply excited about it. I love the songs hard - fucked up, pink frosting, white puffy kittens, hypercolored thigh highs in super boots kinda hard. I think many of you will feel the same.

I just saw The Bird and The Bee and Lilly Allen. Those ladies - including the dear, dollgirl backing vocalist for B&B - can belt it. Lilly was adorable. She did Heart of Glass and did it quite well.

Nothing much else...gave a gold phone to my brother. I want one now. We both enjoyed a review of Spicoli's purity of suferdom and Phoebe's rightful place in the masturbatory annals of time. I got a VERY nice stuffed pink and white mushroom from my buddy Jon. You're supposed to sit on it...it's biggish but....I think I'm not quite dainty enough. I believe I have the petite japanese girl version rather than the medium faux anime guy version. But, as they say there's more plush mushrooms in the sea...

I'm gonna go drink some,
DXH

Half of that lovely, odd post made no sense to me but none the less, it made me happy. I am really excited for these Blaqk Audio songs. Pink Frosting?!?! Haha that is awesome but really not as awesome as Hypercolored Thigh Highs in Super Boots. Though I am really looking forward to hearing Stiff Kittens, that has awesome, beautiful lyrics. Oh I don't feel well...