Written last night:

Another silent dinner with my father and I. It was almost as the quiet dinner with just myself but more awkward. I almost preferred eating alone. Why Kathie didn’t eat with us, I don’t know and honestly I don’t care. I don’t care about much anymore, not even AFI really. I try to tell myself I do just so I feel like I’m still living but really I don’t and I don’t think this is living. Steve told me today that I was the easiest to read. He can see right through my barrier. He told Erica, "See Alicia, she is filled with deep pain but hides it because she doesn’t want anyone else to be sad." He also said I held it in. Later I was laughing and he mentioned me being sad and I was like, "I’m fine." and he goes, "Liar." I wonder if he can see that I cry every night. I wonder if he can see the pain that I have hidden so deep that I can’t even feel it and am lost to it’s existence. I wish I could remember feeling normal. To tell the truth, I’m crying right now. Why? If I knew, I would fix it. I probably have the seven colors of my eye shadows running down my cheeks. When my dad came home today, I waited in my room, know damn well he wasn’t going to come and say hi to me like he use to but I still hoped. That’s my problem, I hope. All just to get let down. I remember the pain when I told myself he wasn’t going to come and say hi. I guess that’s when the depression came. All I did for the next couple hours was lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling and tightening my stomach muscles in a pathetic attempt in getting my stomach smaller. It surprised me when my dad actually came to my room and said dinner was ready instead of yelling that it was ready. Forgive any spelling or grammar errors, it’s hard to type when things are blurry. I find it strange that fairly good days are the days I break down. Well I guess today wasn’t a good day pursy but it was better than yesterday. Yesterday was pure hell. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with fights with Monica only to have nothing solved and her acting like nothing happened the next day. And because I am the way I am, I just go along with, damn well knowing that it will just blow up again later. Actually now that I remember, today in 5th I remember listening to On The Arrow by AFI and almost crying. Steve is more right then I know and realized. I thought I was fine. Why do I even write these things? Only to complain? It’s not going to solve anything.