I have been sleeping far too much lately. It can't be healthy. I swear I'm causing myself to spiral deeper into a destructive path. Scott is telling my deepest fears I had about myself. I don't know. I'm crying but they are empty tears, the newest thing that have been happening. Sometimes they are just tears. Empty cold tears.
Unforgivin Soul0: hey
DogFan48: Hi
Unforgivin Soul0: how are you?
DogFan48: Umm, I've been better, you?
Unforgivin Soul0: horny lmao oo whats wrong?
DogFan48: lol
DogFan48: My grandma's in the hospital. *sigh* and I was just worried about my grandpa, now I have to worry about both of them. I can't lose them, I just can't. They took me in...I can't do a damn thing to help. All I'm hearing is pray for them. Damnit! What's that gonna do? If I believed I guess that could be of some pathetic comfort but I don't
Unforgivin Soul0: :(
Unforgivin Soul0: im sorry
DogFan48: It's okay
Unforgivin Soul0: i dont think it is
DogFan48: Sorry, I dorta vented
DogFan48: sorta*
Unforgivin Soul0: well you know its always ok for you to vent your anger at me
Unforgivin Soul0: if it helps you, dont hold back
DogFan48: I don't think I have anything. This is probably gonna bite me in the ass tomorrow though because I haven't cried so I'll probably break down tomorrow and then I'll get crap form monica saying I'm being emo and trying to attract attention and then we'll get in a fight and it will all go to hell
Unforgivin Soul0: im sorry
Unforgivin Soul0: i would love to help you
Unforgivin Soul0: but i dont know how
DogFan48: I don't either. Sometimes I think she might be right. Maybe I do cause drama to get attention. I don't know. I'm screwed up. I try to be happy but sadly I sometimes miss the crying. Oh fucking god I'm fucking screwed up
Unforgivin Soul0: everyone is screwed up in their own way
DogFan48: But why the hell do I miss the sadness? I swear I probably do cause problems just so I have something to hate and be sad about
Unforgivin Soul0: i cant explain that
Unforgivin Soul0: but even all your problems, you only make me like you more
DogFan48: I know why. It's the tramuma, just like Kathie I need the drama.
DogFan48: How?
Unforgivin Soul0: i dont know
Unforgivin Soul0: i just like you alot and it seems i only like you more everytime i talk to you
DogFan48: I'm just crewed up
DogFan48: screwed*
Unforgivin Soul0: maybe so but that doesnt stop me
DogFan48: I dunno. I just want to be normal, well have normal human emotions
Unforgivin Soul0: you do have normal emotions
Unforgivin Soul0: just not normal expressions of them
DogFan48: Well I want to be fixed and everyday I get farther and farther from really caring about anything
Unforgivin Soul0: maybe you need someone in your life
DogFan48: What's funny is last year before I dated Steve I wanted a boyfriend so bad. I thought that if I found someone, they could pull me from the darkness and save me. Then I dated Steve. I no longer had that overwhelming urge to have a boyfriend and then I like always did my best to screw that up and I managed to do that. For then on I haven't had the urge to have a relationship
Unforgivin Soul0: you should try
DogFan48: Why? What's the point? I can't seem to like someone.
Unforgivin Soul0: its because you dont want to be saved
DogFan48: At any mention of me getting married one day or anything like that, my friends laugh. even they know thats a far fetched idea
DogFan48: Possibly...It's probably my body's way of protecting me
DogFan48: but how can I change that? I dunno know how to continue
Unforgivin Soul0: maybe you are partialy to blaim
Unforgivin Soul0: your mind is following what you are
DogFan48: I know I am to blame
DogFan48: what do you mean my mind is following what I am?
Unforgivin Soul0: you are trying to be emo
Unforgivin Soul0: you may not know it, but you love the pain, and you dont feel it or even agnolage it
DogFan48: That's what I was worried of
DogFan48: I don't to do that
DogFan48: I want to be who I really am?
DogFan48: am.*
Unforgivin Soul0: well rightnow you dont seem to want to be normal
DogFan48: Why am I doing this?
Unforgivin Soul0: because you want to
DogFan48: Which part? Me, the one here or the deeper me? I swear they aren't the same person. I don't know what to do
Unforgivin Soul0: maybe you should forget what are and be something new
DogFan48: Like how?
Unforgivin Soul0: i dont know
DogFan48: I don't know even know who I am right now, I wouldn't even know how to be something new
Unforgivin Soul0: take up a hobbie
DogFan48: Like what? I write my stories, is that a hobbie?
Unforgivin Soul0: yes
Unforgivin Soul0: maybe computer art
Unforgivin Soul0: or maybe... MAYBE chainmailmaking lol