Written last night:

Another silent dinner with my father and I. It was almost as the quiet dinner with just myself but more awkward. I almost preferred eating alone. Why Kathie didn’t eat with us, I don’t know and honestly I don’t care. I don’t care about much anymore, not even AFI really. I try to tell myself I do just so I feel like I’m still living but really I don’t and I don’t think this is living. Steve told me today that I was the easiest to read. He can see right through my barrier. He told Erica, "See Alicia, she is filled with deep pain but hides it because she doesn’t want anyone else to be sad." He also said I held it in. Later I was laughing and he mentioned me being sad and I was like, "I’m fine." and he goes, "Liar." I wonder if he can see that I cry every night. I wonder if he can see the pain that I have hidden so deep that I can’t even feel it and am lost to it’s existence. I wish I could remember feeling normal. To tell the truth, I’m crying right now. Why? If I knew, I would fix it. I probably have the seven colors of my eye shadows running down my cheeks. When my dad came home today, I waited in my room, know damn well he wasn’t going to come and say hi to me like he use to but I still hoped. That’s my problem, I hope. All just to get let down. I remember the pain when I told myself he wasn’t going to come and say hi. I guess that’s when the depression came. All I did for the next couple hours was lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling and tightening my stomach muscles in a pathetic attempt in getting my stomach smaller. It surprised me when my dad actually came to my room and said dinner was ready instead of yelling that it was ready. Forgive any spelling or grammar errors, it’s hard to type when things are blurry. I find it strange that fairly good days are the days I break down. Well I guess today wasn’t a good day pursy but it was better than yesterday. Yesterday was pure hell. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with fights with Monica only to have nothing solved and her acting like nothing happened the next day. And because I am the way I am, I just go along with, damn well knowing that it will just blow up again later. Actually now that I remember, today in 5th I remember listening to On The Arrow by AFI and almost crying. Steve is more right then I know and realized. I thought I was fine. Why do I even write these things? Only to complain? It’s not going to solve anything.

Davey is a scorpio....
When I read that, I was like, "You have to be kidding me! That's crap!" Really that sucks. Scorpios are uh how can I say this...well Ross and Monica's dad are/were scorpios...enough said. Ross can be cool but man is he obessive and moody. And well Monica's dad...errr yeah. BUT there is good news, Davey's birthday is one of the last day's of the scorpio zodiac. Meaning that he probably only has a few of the scorpio traits. Scott is also a scorpio which I can see the scorpio in him but he's also near another one which explains not a full scorpio. Like me, I'm at the beginning of the Virgo zodiac so I have some virgo traits but not all. Like I go through cleaning moods like today where I was like, "I need to clean!" and I cleaned the house. Also I can't stand to be late, another virgo trait. Yeah but I guess I would have a good relationship with a scorpio which I found weird. Oh my dad is getting me an MP4/Mp3 player! Omg I'm so excited. I want him to be home sooner than 7, so I can see it! He called me about some computer and he was at Fri's (I love that place. Hehe I have so much fun in there!) and so I was like, "You should look at the MP3 players." so goes over and like is looking at them and stuffs and well fast forward, he is getting me one. I hope it looks cool! Omg am I excited! It can hold like 1000 songs and like it has video and can hold pictures and well it sounds awesome. I'm sure everyone will hear about it on Monday! Haha I'll have it over half full by Monday. Now if only I could get limewire to work, I would have a few new songs and well I will just have to download a few more videos. Love Like Winter and Days of the Phoenix mainly are the videos I want to download. Escape the Fate has some weird song titles like The Day I left the womb...that is just plain weird, good song but weird name. I do like the name When I Go Out, I Want To Go Out On A Chariot Of Fire though. That's a really cool name though it's very long. This is a good song, Your Sword Versus My Dagger by Silverstein. Ooo now THIS is a kickass song, Kiss and Control by AFI. Part your lips a bit more, I'll swallow your fear. I absolutely LOVE that line. I have a thing for lips, swallow and like clapping in songs. I have a thing for Davey's voice, haha. It's addicting, medicating, soothing, magical and beautiful. Oh I'm so going to hear Jack the Ripper and then On the Arrow next. "We all want to die like movie stars," you said as you jumped from the height of our cutting room floor. While above us, glowing, exploding, our dreams burst forth light and death. Hold me and tell me, "We'll burn like stars. We'll burn as we fall. Watch as city lights dance and explode." Beautiful! Amazing lyrics.

This was written last night
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bryan is a goddamn liar! Don’t believe a word of what he says. I would have totally beaten him at Wii bowling if he hadn’t cheated! Even his two brothers are on my side. What he did was completely cheating! He was just sore that a girl was beating him and one who was new to the game, too. Gah! Loser! Who jumps across the screen when someone is bowling?!?! I’ll tell you who. A CHEATER! AKA Bryan Nathaniel Yon! I had fun at his house none the less. Though it should be noted that I would have whipped his ass if he hadn’t cheated. Well let’s see, I’ll start at the beginning of the day. I woke up to Miseria Cantare (The Beginning) by AFI and listened to the whole Sing the Sorrow album besides The Spoken Word. I skipped that poem because a) there is like 4 minutes of dead silence, b) I wouldn’t have had time to listen to This Time Imperfect and c) the voices are soft but the music is loud. Beautiful poem though. So I got ready for school. Normal routine, get up, turn straightener on, go back to bed, force my lazy ass out of bed again, do hair, brush teeth, change, do hair again (if running early aka rare), do make, put shoes on, put coat on, grab backpack, and leave. And putting time to this, alarm goes off at 5:40, turn radio/cd on, stare at clock thinking " I need to turn my straightener on", 5:50 turn straightener on, return to bed and pass out, wake at 6:10 and jump out of bed and proceed to get ready. Josh wasn’t at school. Chemistry was notes and watching Lauren make an interesting wallet monster. English we read this poem. I had Sadie read my poems. She said they were good and she liked Death is the Easy Way Out. U.S. History was blah. We just took notes. At lunch, I showed Steve my newest poem and he really liked it. I like it too so I’m glad other people do too. Mel was wearing a skirt. Bryan asked if I wanted hang out so I went to his house after school. On the bus I found out a few things. He told me that Mel respects me and I was like "Really?" and he was really shocked and was like, "Yeah she sticks up for you all the time." The he told me about how yesterday he had called me emo and Mel had defended me saying something along the lines of let me emo if I want, it’s what I like so let me do it. I almost started crying. I love her. I really thought Meggs and Josh were the only ones that like didn’t give me crap well Mel didn’t but like you know think it or whatever. It’s hard to say what I mean. So when we got to his house, he played baseball a few times then we made me a Mii and we played bowling. Now I’m gonna be honest the first time he did win. He has like no faith in me. At the beginning of the game he was like, "I think you’ll get 60." Yeah I got over 100 more than that, I surprised him when I got a couple strikes in a row, loser. Then he showed me this cool voting thing on the game. Then he played Zelda for like 20 minutes then he was like, "You want to play?""Yeah! I love Zelda!"I played for over an hour and a half, haha. He showed me hoe to fight and stuff and then I played and like got him much farther in the game and did it all by myself, thank you very much. Bryan was sitting next t me and was like, "Whoa, I thought you would suck! I told you something once and you remember."I then jumped and killed this monster in one swing and got another whoa. "I’m good at video games.""You suck at Melee.""I’m good at Adventure games. I beat Star Fox.""No way.""Jeez you have like no faith in me! I beat that game in a day."So we played the Wii and then I went home at 5:30. I ate dinner then went to my student lead conference. Retarded thing, I didn’t know what I was suppose to be telling my dad so I was pretty much like, "Uh these are the classes I took…I have all my required credits…see…" Yeah then after, I showed my dad around he was like this use to be that and this use to be bigger and stuff like that. After showing my dad around I went to the choir concert. I met Ben, Monica and Mel in there. The concert sucked. A lot of the songs were in German and they choose bad songs. Steve had such perfect posture! I was so proud of him. Everyone around him had horrible concert etiquette. Monica and I were like criticizing it between songs. There was this on solo I like though. This kid played and sung Good Riddance by Green Day. He was off but I like the song and was like singing it to Mel. The only song I liked was the last one that all the choirs sung but the rest were weird. Overall, I was disappointed but we supported the arts and Steve. When it was over we made our way through the rushing crowd. With my amazing tiny skillfulness, I made it through first. We searched for Steve and after awhile I was like, "There’s Steve!" and ran through the crowd to him. I jumped on him and hugged him and yelled excitedly, "You had perfect posture! I’m so proud of you! You had perfect concert posture!" then Mon was like, "it’s my turn!" and she hugged him too. Then I explained to him how awful everyone in his choir had horrible concert posture. They were moving, touching their faces (YOU CANNOT MOVE YOUR HANDS! That’s a big no-no) and one kid tilted his head down and sung to the ground! But Steve was perfect, no moving, no arm movement and knew all the songs. He also didn’t wear make-up, took out his piercings and put his hair up. I was proud. So we walked him to the Choir room to get his coat and I took a few pictures because I couldn’t during the concert because my zoom sucks. I took a small video too, haha I’ll upload it to myspace. Then after finding out that Steve was gonna walk home we were like, "No, it’s dark! You might get raped!" So we went to the car and this time it was there and wasn’t stolen. So we drove Steve to his house and on the way I was like, "Tell Will I say Happy Birthday." Then we got an idea. So we dropped Steve off and told him to get Will. Will came out and we screamed at him and was like, "Get in the car!" and I was like, "Put your seatbelt on." and so confused he put it one and Monica sped off and almost his a couple cars. We were going really fast and like skidding around corners. We blast The End and we were driving around these blocks at one point we all yelled, "CAT!" and she swerved and missed the cat. We almost ran into a round about but Mon saw it in time and we spun around it a few times then sped off in another direction. All but Will was laughing and saying we were gonna die. I think Will was a little frightened. Then we jerked to a stop at his house and he got out. We wished him a happy birthday then left. Mon was shaking. Then Bed made a comment about being naked and we all told him to get naked so he did. He turned the heat ALL the way up and Mel and I were like, "Oh my god, it’s hot." and some how we got naked and Mon was topless. It was special. Then when we neared home, we turned down the heat and put our clothes back on. When I got home it was around 10 and it looked like everyone was asleep. I took a shower and then started my many math assignments. I got most of them and then I had no idea what to do and was lost and had all the problems wrong so I gave up and decided to write this so I could post it tomorrow well techniclly today because it 2 in the morning… I’m slightly tired and I think I’m gonna start soon ‘cos I think I have cramps. That sucks major balls. I’m gonna be waking up in 3 hours and 40 minutes. That damn spider that was haunting my bathroom and it disappeared for a couple days and I thought it was gone but nope, it’s alive. I went to turn my shower water on and there it was in the tub. I splashed water on it and I threw some toilet paper on it, thinking it was dead, I picked the paper up. The thing was still alive and started crawling so I freaked out and threw it to the trashcan. I need a haircut. Gahahah I can see that thing crawling out of the trashcan. It better not come to my room or I’ll rip off it’s legs and watch it die slowly. Okay that will never happen. I would call my dad and have him kill it. Okay maybe I’m more tired than I thought, I almost just fell asleep… Goodnight and sweet dreams. Besides the last weird one, my dreams have been good. Tehe, rofl. *Big smile* "If you want to put a knife in the back of your opponent, so to speak, you must first get close enough" Sister Verna (Blood of the Fold by Terry Goodkind)…That damn spider is alive. It crawled out of the trashcan can and was crawling on the edge. I pushed the trashcan to the center of the room, went to the bathroom and then hurried out, leaving the trashcan there. Damn thing.

Well I'm glad some of my friends still stick up for me. It's kind of sad when of your friends have to stick up for you against some of your other friends. To me I think that is kind of screwed up. But what do I know, right? Josh was talking to me on the bus today and he was telling me how Bryan had said something about me looking bad and emo-like and Josh, Melissa and Megan stood up for me. Josh was like, "I don't see why. You're wearing the same thing you wear everyday. The same coat, jeans and the same make-up. The only thing different is that you now wear gloves." I sighed and was like, "I haven't bought new clothes since like 8th grade. Maybe a shirt and this coat but that's it." Then I told him about this thing with Monica. We were in health and she comes over and sits in front of me.
"What are you wearing?" she askes in like a disgusted voice.
"Gloves." I said it like it was obvious, which it was.
"Where did you get them?" again in a disgusted voice.
"The store." I said stoping on the r and making it long and again in a 'duh' voice.
"Do you like them?"
"Yeah, I wouldn't have got them if I didn't."
She made this weird expression that I can't even describe and all I could think was, "Gah whatever." And we talked a little bit but it was kinda dull from above conversation. She soon left and then later she came back and we got in a conversation about nails and she had this tape on her nails and she was like, "Would you still be friends with me if my nails were like this?"
"Yes, I wouldn't stop being friends with just because of your nails."
"I wouldn't have been friends with you if you had normal nails."
"What if I cut my nails off like really short?"
"It wouldn't matter. I don't like how you look now."
Again all I thought was, "Gah whatever." I'm sorta tired of this. When I was talking to Josh I menationed Makenzie and he asked who she was and I was like, "It was Monica's old best friend."
"Was she Indian?"
"She was blonde. Monica always needs a blonde best friend. She's going to replace me soon."
And I wasn't really joking about that, I think she probably is gonna replace me soon. The only reason she hasn't is because she has no one to replace me with. But she will find that new blonde and then dump me. I guess it doesn't matter much anyway. I mean we only have a year of school left and then its off our different ways. I hate to think of it that way, I really do. I know this all probably really hurts me inside but my body is protecting me so I don't feel it.
Today in the gym I got a tinge of feeling for Steve. It was weird. I was thinking about it and in a weird deep thinking trance and Charlie goes, "Alicia you look really sad."
"Huh? Oh I was just thinking." and then the feeling went away.
The day before it was actually fun sitting in a circle talking to Steve and Charlie. Out of nowhere they started talking about how pretty I was and like Steve said something about how I didn't know it so it made me more pretty. Later Orin asked me out and before he even finished asking I shook my head and was like, "I'm sorry." That is like the 5th time he's asked. That kid is weird. Reminds me kind of like Darin. Steve said my poems made him sad but he liked them. Ah! Gah I feel like tearing myself apart. My mind is in turmoil! Kathy is freaking out again...

I think this world is determined for my not to have an AFI ringtone without actually buying it. Grr I don't want to spend four bucks on a ringtone, that's retarded.

"What are you doing?"
"Nothing."
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
"Do you love me?"
"Yeah."
"Do you love yourself?"
"Not really."
"Well I love you."
Nod.
"Do you want to go on the internet?"
"...sure." Absent was the reply.

I wish so desperately to return to the dream world.

"You seem distant the last couple days."
You seem so very distant...
It seems your somewhere far away...
She said to his face.
You lose your smile as this life takes its toil.
Who truely belongs here?
Not I
No one shines forever
Fizzle out like the flame of the fire
I offer blood
Ever drop can drain
And gladly
Offer all till the heart is crystal clear.
Let's taste the salt.
Spill my life all over you.
Premature in my decay.
A voice in the back of my head,
Whispering words, I never want to hear.
All the whispers, they surround me.
Suffocate and choke.
Fall on skidded knees
See if this prayer position
Can save me.
Do hear the reply?
Not I.

Written last night...
~~~~~~~~
I am, really, a good popcorn popper. Yes this is coming from the chick who cries with movies like The Lion King, The Notebook, Rent, Mighty Joe Young, Where the Red Fern Grows, Hope Floats and recently Flag of our Fathers. Yes a war movie…
"I’m sorry I wasn’t the best father."
"No, you were the best father a boy could have."
And then the dad dies. Now who wouldn’t have cried at that? And yes this is the same movie where people got blow to pieces and we saw heads roll out of helmets.
"Father. Come on, we have to go home." Poke paw. "Come on dad."
Now how could that not make you cry! Simba’s voice, come on! But I can proudly say I can watch the movie without crying now. That and Rent. Pretty much, if someone dies in a movie, I will cry. Bridge to Terabithia? Yup, cried like a little schoolgirl. Where the Red Fern Grows, the book is my favorite book and I’ve seen the movie before so I was watching the movie with my dad. The by walks out of the house with his dogs and I start bawling. Like I mean bawling, I couldn’t see and thing and I was like hyperventilating. My dad glances over at me and gives me a look like, "What? He just walked out of the house." and so I turn to him and say between sobs.
"I," sob, "Know," sob, "What’s" sob, "Gonna," sob, "Happen." double sob.
He shook his head and was like, "I don’t know if I want to continue watching this."
And so I cried for the rest of the movie. I had to stop it a couple times to get more tissues. So moral of this story, if you want to watch a movie with me you will probably have to deal with my crying but I make some killer popcorn.
Now what brought this little story time? Well I think it’s the fact that I am eating my popcorn. Yes, I said my. I earned this popcorn. I had to see Kathleen and sit through her "church’s" service. Church, bah. I might not have a religion but I still have my dislike for that congregation. Strange people. But I mean when I was religious, that wasn’t what we called a church, that would be a center for fun and they just happen to mention God a few times. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with the people there well except Kathleen but that’s a story not at all related to the church she goes to. I’m sure all those people are good, kind people, I just have something against some of the practices of the church. Maybe it is just that it has been pounded into my head like all the other stuff. No sex before marriage, all those sins, this body is a temple that we are on loaned with, John 3:16…For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life. I can still recite some of those scriptures. I swear it was pounded into my head. That is one of the reasons, I gave it u. How was to know it was what I truly believed and not what my family wanted me to be. My family so desperately wants me to be the good little Christian girl. Maybe that is me, maybe it isn’t but right now in my life I’m not too sure that is what I am. But then again, as they say, I been backsliding. Maybe this is true. Maybe I just want to rebel and sin away. Maybe I want sex before marriage. Maybe I want to curse. Maybe I want to show my body off. Maybe I want to "ruin" it and get a tattoo. That’s another thing that gets me, Christians with tattoos. I was always taught that your body wasn’t yours but God’s and thus something we are loaning and like renting a house, you can’t just do what you want with it meaning no permanent damage like tattoos. So when I hear about Christians getting like crosses, bible verses or Jesus on their sin, I kinda have to laugh and shake my head and think, they don’t know the bible. But people can do what they want. I can’t help it, that’s what was pounded into my head, still is. I was watching tattoo stories on Fuse. I love that show. And well my dad comes in and was criticizing this chick and was like saying, "What is she going to say when she dies and everyone sees those skulls-"
"And flowers," I add.
"What is she going to say? Opps?" and stuff like that and walks away.
And that is why I don’t like watching the show when he’s around. I like tattoos and think I’m gonna get one but there is no way he will know about it. Oh man, I can just see his face…oh man I would get a huge bible lecture and a "Do you still believe in God?" Man do I hate that question. There is no way I could tell my dad no. He would be crushed and oh man will I get a lecture. And if I got a tat! Wow, he might disown me. That’s why I can’t tell him that I’m thinking of becoming vegetarian. God put animals here for us to rule over meaning they are there to eat. I’m all for surviving and all but we don’t need meat. Our bodies are actually more designed to be herbivores with our mostly flat teeth and long intestines. Most vegetarians are healthier than meat eaters are. Like lower risks of heart disease. Plus those poor animals. They are raised just to be killed, have to live in their own filth, are fed unnatural items, and are killed in horrible ways. Wow, I just went from a religious discussion to my views on vegetarianism. That’s an odd leap.
Ah! My sinuses! My nose feels like a desert. It’s all warm and dry. I feel sorta fine though, oddly enough. At school, I felt awful. Like I felt like a bucket of infectious germs. I went to Monica and I like breathed in hard and it made this congested sound then I was like, "My eyes are all watery." and they looked like I was gonna cry. My eyes are probably puffy and red. My nose is probably red too. I doubt I look pretty right now though Steve said, "Alicia, you look pretty as usual." When he greeted me. Dang and I’ve been sneezing like a banshee. I really like that word, banshee. I say that phrase a lot. That and "That’s crap." I say that a lot too. I said, "That’s kinda faggish." Today, that was a new one. They were nice pants but she was wearing them weird. She had them rolled up to the top of her boots. They were cool boots though. "He’s not into you, he’s into the idea of." That’s a cool line. Red Flags and Long Nights by She Wants Revenge. I can’t wait until this summer when Blaqk Audio comes out so I have a dance album! Ah! I can’t wait! It will be so cool! Bootie shakin’! Haha…I’ll never say that again, don’t worry. Oh my god! Today I was just walking down one hall. One! That’s only like 50 feet! Yeah well I was walking down this hall and I saw 7 couples. I walked up to Sophia and I was like, "Is it like dating season?" It’s like mating season or something. But I was thinking about it and it makes sense. I mean it’s half way through the school year and so people have gotten to know each other so there would be more couples, it makes sense. Plus spring is gonna be starting and thus mating season, haha. I have a smiley face and some flowers on my hand and a 337…Sophia was drawing on my hands and I was like, "Oh! Do you know how long it took me to get 337 off my hand?!" I had just recently got the large 337 that I had written on my hand for 337 off. So she decided to draw another 337…and it’s in permanent marker…Oh I found out something about Sophia today. I had no idea…I kinda felt bad. I hope she didn’t mind telling me. But she didn’t seem like she did. I mean she could have lied and not have told me. I don’t know who knows. Hmm. She pulled up her sleeves so I could draw on her palm and I saw marks on her wrists and arms and so naturally I though of her dog.
"Kera?" I asked.
She didn’t answer right away. I thought maybe she hadn’t heard me but then she answered. "No."
I looked up at her in confusion and then she explained.
"I use to be emo."
I kinda nodded. "It’s alright. I could show you the marks on my back."
"Your back?"
"Yeah, no one looks there…they are small though. I used my nails."
I had a deep pit of pain for her. I hated that she had so much pain. Hmm happier topics. I want a Popsicle. Something fruity or chocolatey. Oh a fudgesicle sounds good. I’m gonna sneeze again and I did. I kinda sneezed on my arm…gross. I have a U.S, History test tomorrow but I don’t know if I’ll feel well enough to go. It’s on WWI and it’s worth 2 grades so if you get an A, it goes in as an A and another A. He grades in the weirdest ways…Ah this is a good song, Yesterday to Tomorrow by Audioslave. Chris Cornell really does have a good voice but then again Rolling Stone placed him like number 7 on the top 100 best singers/voices. If you really want to hear a song where his voice sounds amazing, listen to Be Yourself. That is the song that made me fall in love with Audioslave and made them by favorite band for those couple years before AFI. Ah this song brings back memories. I remember putting my headphones on and listening closely to his voice and melting at it. I was in a loving trance much like what Davey can do to me. Someone tries to hides himself, down inside himself he prays. Beautiful. I really need to listen to Audioslave more often. I kinda abandoned them when I found AFI. I think I’m gonna learn this song on my guitar…hmm it would be my first song. It might be a little too hard for me and there is probably too much distortion for an acoustic. They are proud in doing all their music with only guitar, bass, drums and vocals but man do they use a lot of distortion. What You Are has this really cool guitar solo riff thingy. Actually this song has a cool guitar solo too. Most of their songs have cool solos. Ah I remember secretly listening to them and like The End and Funky Monkey and feeling awful because it was rock music and my church said that rock music was bad and blah blah but I missed it so much. I had given it up when I was first "saved" but after hearing Lithium by Nirvana over and over on this commercial, I couldn’t keep myself from it anymore. I just had to hide the fact that I listened to it and deal with feeling guilty. Ah and then AFI starts playing. I would have laughed if it had been Girl’s Not Grey. I’d send God’s grace tonight, could it be found? Wow wouldn’t have been a coincidence? Actually when Leaving Song Part 2 is over, I’m gonna listen to that one. Ah dancing bunnies and wonderland through Jade’s crotch. This art does drown. I have found that when I dance, sometimes I do Jade’s little guitar dancing. When he does the little kick spin moves. He does it a lot when he plays Miss Murder. Wow this is a long post. This is what I do while I wait for my dad to get home so I can get online. I have no life. It’s quite pathetic. I have done nothing with my life. I could die tomorrow and I wouldn’t be satisfied with how I lived. I am though more satisfied with how I dress/make-up now, don’t particularly know why though. I do enjoy it. Ah I love this song! And I love this musical! Actually, I’m gonna go watch it now. Ciao!

Damn, I really should wish for things more often. Why have I not accepted that I have some sort of ablitlity here. I swear it's crazy. I was complaining to Josh about how the day sorta sucked and I wished that I could go home, turn my music all the way up and that Kathie wasn't home. I also was like I just hope Mons in a good mood. I was worried we might get in a fight and was scared shitless to call her but I knew I had to. Well she called me on the bus and I felt my phone vibrate but it was the voicemail. I swear my phone hates Monica, it never rings when she calls. Well when I saw this I shouted, "Crap, fuck, shit!" People kinda looked at me. I also said it again when I heard that it was Monica who left me the voice message. She had left because they had found the car and her mom was at the school. Well yeah then I got home to find no one home! I was like sweet! Yeah it made me happy. I really need to embrace my power more often. Now I just need to figure out how to actually control it. And then that would be amazing.
After lunch, it was just Steve and I and I hugged him.
"How are you?"
"Fine, you?" I reply.
"What's wrong?"
I laughed. "You're the only one that noticed. I gave up on telling people whats wrong because when I do, I'm being "emo" and doing it for attention."
So I told him about my grandma and about my deepest fear about myself being true. I dunno. Whatever. The day was boring. I had 3 tests, chemisty which I totally aced, health which was very easy and then a math one which I think I did well on. Oh! I have to send a picture of Jade's butt to Sarah! I have found other people who think Zach's butt is cute and I didn't bring the topic up, thank very much. This chick Amanda brought it up. And then I had Sophia look and she agreed. Then I was talking to Sarah and it came up and so I showed her today though she said she couldn't say for sure if it was cute or not because she wasn't into the whole pants half way off the butt. It had to be fully contained for her to tell. Those were her words by the way. So I had mentioned that Jade had a nice butt too so I just have to show her, duh. Oh the other guy I think is hot, I was at my locker this morning and like he was leaning against this door and I was like leaning half into my locker and Josh goes,
"What are you doing? Crawling in your locker?"
"No, I'm trying to look through someone's legs to see someone!"
"You want me to kill her?" (I.E. He's talking about Zach's girlfriend. He thought that was who I was looking at.)
"No! Not him. This one has a girlfriend anyway."
"Oh he's in my biology class. Same with his girlfriend and zach girlfriend." I wanted to pound my head into a wall. "She sits in front of me and Zach's girlfriend sits next to me, you want me to kill them?"
"No! They are cute together. Leave them alone, they are happy."
"I could kill them both then you would have a choice."
I just laughed. That was the only fairly interesting things I can remember...

I have been sleeping far too much lately. It can't be healthy. I swear I'm causing myself to spiral deeper into a destructive path. Scott is telling my deepest fears I had about myself. I don't know. I'm crying but they are empty tears, the newest thing that have been happening. Sometimes they are just tears. Empty cold tears.
Unforgivin Soul0: hey
DogFan48: Hi
Unforgivin Soul0: how are you?
DogFan48: Umm, I've been better, you?
Unforgivin Soul0: horny lmao oo whats wrong?
DogFan48: lol
DogFan48: My grandma's in the hospital. *sigh* and I was just worried about my grandpa, now I have to worry about both of them. I can't lose them, I just can't. They took me in...I can't do a damn thing to help. All I'm hearing is pray for them. Damnit! What's that gonna do? If I believed I guess that could be of some pathetic comfort but I don't
Unforgivin Soul0: :(
Unforgivin Soul0: im sorry
DogFan48: It's okay
Unforgivin Soul0: i dont think it is
DogFan48: Sorry, I dorta vented
DogFan48: sorta*
Unforgivin Soul0: well you know its always ok for you to vent your anger at me
Unforgivin Soul0: if it helps you, dont hold back
DogFan48: I don't think I have anything. This is probably gonna bite me in the ass tomorrow though because I haven't cried so I'll probably break down tomorrow and then I'll get crap form monica saying I'm being emo and trying to attract attention and then we'll get in a fight and it will all go to hell
Unforgivin Soul0: im sorry
Unforgivin Soul0: i would love to help you
Unforgivin Soul0: but i dont know how
DogFan48: I don't either. Sometimes I think she might be right. Maybe I do cause drama to get attention. I don't know. I'm screwed up. I try to be happy but sadly I sometimes miss the crying. Oh fucking god I'm fucking screwed up
Unforgivin Soul0: everyone is screwed up in their own way
DogFan48: But why the hell do I miss the sadness? I swear I probably do cause problems just so I have something to hate and be sad about
Unforgivin Soul0: i cant explain that
Unforgivin Soul0: but even all your problems, you only make me like you more
DogFan48: I know why. It's the tramuma, just like Kathie I need the drama.
DogFan48: How?
Unforgivin Soul0: i dont know
Unforgivin Soul0: i just like you alot and it seems i only like you more everytime i talk to you
DogFan48: I'm just crewed up
DogFan48: screwed*
Unforgivin Soul0: maybe so but that doesnt stop me
DogFan48: I dunno. I just want to be normal, well have normal human emotions
Unforgivin Soul0: you do have normal emotions
Unforgivin Soul0: just not normal expressions of them
DogFan48: Well I want to be fixed and everyday I get farther and farther from really caring about anything
Unforgivin Soul0: maybe you need someone in your life
DogFan48: What's funny is last year before I dated Steve I wanted a boyfriend so bad. I thought that if I found someone, they could pull me from the darkness and save me. Then I dated Steve. I no longer had that overwhelming urge to have a boyfriend and then I like always did my best to screw that up and I managed to do that. For then on I haven't had the urge to have a relationship
Unforgivin Soul0: you should try
DogFan48: Why? What's the point? I can't seem to like someone.
Unforgivin Soul0: its because you dont want to be saved
DogFan48: At any mention of me getting married one day or anything like that, my friends laugh. even they know thats a far fetched idea
DogFan48: Possibly...It's probably my body's way of protecting me
DogFan48: but how can I change that? I dunno know how to continue
Unforgivin Soul0: maybe you are partialy to blaim
Unforgivin Soul0: your mind is following what you are
DogFan48: I know I am to blame
DogFan48: what do you mean my mind is following what I am?
Unforgivin Soul0: you are trying to be emo
Unforgivin Soul0: you may not know it, but you love the pain, and you dont feel it or even agnolage it
DogFan48: That's what I was worried of
DogFan48: I don't to do that
DogFan48: I want to be who I really am?
DogFan48: am.*
Unforgivin Soul0: well rightnow you dont seem to want to be normal
DogFan48: Why am I doing this?
Unforgivin Soul0: because you want to
DogFan48: Which part? Me, the one here or the deeper me? I swear they aren't the same person. I don't know what to do
Unforgivin Soul0: maybe you should forget what are and be something new
DogFan48: Like how?
Unforgivin Soul0: i dont know
DogFan48: I don't know even know who I am right now, I wouldn't even know how to be something new
Unforgivin Soul0: take up a hobbie
DogFan48: Like what? I write my stories, is that a hobbie?
Unforgivin Soul0: yes
Unforgivin Soul0: maybe computer art
Unforgivin Soul0: or maybe... MAYBE chainmailmaking lol