My mouse is bugging the hell out of me. It is sticking and been a pain. So story time! We all know you enjoy this, haha. Dang it! My notes on buzznet isn't working either! That's retarded. I think my newest peircing is healing quite well unlike the last one. It hurts a little still but not so much that I can't rub my finger over it which I love doing. I love the feel of the metal. Oooo Kiss and Control! Me sign! "We all want to die like movie stars," you said as you jumped from the height of our cutting room floor. While above us, glowing, exploding, our dreams burst forth in light in death. Hold me and tell me, "We'll burn like stars, we'll burn as we fall." Watch as city lights dance for us! That part is so hard to sign. Man. Oh yeah I was gonna tell you a story wasn't I? Nothing from no one, I'm no one at all. Amazing line. Okay so story. Our story starts on Friday at like 7 p.m. I'm skipping Firday, it can screw itself, lol. If I had went to the memorial assembly I wouldn't skip it but I had to take a math test instead...so no, I'm not talking about the gun salute I missed and the wonderful assembly I couldn't go to, I'm bitter. So Monica calls and asks if I still wanted to hang out and I say yes. Though our orginal plan was to go see Pirates 3 but I didn't have any money so we were gonna go on Monday. Okay so she picks me up and our plan was to go visit Melissa and then spend the night at my place. (I just litterally got soaked taking my clothes out of the washer. Geez I might have to do two cycles in the dryer. I don't know why they were so wet. I think I need to change my clothes, I'm cold.) Okay so we visit Mel and end up going to Mons to play twister. Twister was awesome. Omg I am amazing. We were playing and Mel was like, "Right foot red." So I flip my leg over Monica's back and then she falls. Oh it was awesome. I did not know I could bend that way, lol. Then we were like, "Let's play Sexyback." So we went to youtube and played that. We started dancing dirty to the song and we were gonna video tape it and put it on youtube 'cos we made an account but Ben called and asked if we wanted to go see Pirates. So I borrow 3 bucks from Mel and we go to the movies. We messed around for an hour before hand and then watched it. It was a great movie, I liked it. Afterwards we convinced Mel to spend the night with us but we couldn't stay at my place because of things *coughkathiewasbeingabitchcough* so we stayed at Mons. We got back at almost 2 in the morning. Melissa crashed and Monica and I followed soon after. On Saturday, Monica and I had plans with Bryan to teach him to dance. He cannot dance to save his life. It's not that he doesn't know how to, it's that he can't. Mel doesn't want to come so we drop her off and head to Mike's because there is no other place we could go to to dance. Mike's parents left for like a week or something. So we go over and Monica trys to teach Bryan to dance while Mike and I watch. It was special, Bryan kept acting like Monica was poison, he kept leaning back away from him. After we did that for awhile we played the wii for awhile then we decided to play strip 13 which for some odd reason I lost horribly at. I was the first one naked, which is a first, usually I'm one of the last. We got to a point where Mike and Bryan got the idea that if you're naked and you're the one who loses then you have to do something...damn them...once I had to run around the house. I ran into the wall and cut my arm. It was funny though, I was sitting thinking about what card to play and Monica goes, "Think about losing points, he only has one card left." I turn to her and go, "I'm already naked!" Haha it was funny. So Monica was the last to get naked and I won back my underwear like 3 times. Bryan is so weird! He took off his boxers before he took off his socks. Who does that? I want to know what Bryan has against his feet. He won't even tell me if it's a good reason. He freaked out when I mentioned them. Bryan tried to freak me out and I laughed at him. He hugged me while we both naked. Haha he's a loser. He put his clothes in the freezer when he went to the bathroom, lol. Afterwards we just walked around for awhile in our underwear and bras (if you were a girl, lol). Umm what else did we do? Oh Mons left to see Ben and Bryan and I played Pokemon on Nintendo 64, yeah we're cool like that. Oh I forgot to mention, we were in heels and short skirts and we left earlier in the day to go to the store and while we were getting in Mons' car, Bryan went out to lock his car 'cos when we had first arrived we went through the sunroof of his car and broke in, lol. So we left and when we were at the store we got checked out. Haha yeah so after the pokemon game Mons and I went back to her place. I spent the night again where we watched The Emperor's New Groove. "Yay, I'm a llama again!...wait." Haha. So on Sunday, we woke up and I took a shower and then I did my hair which I left curly. That is the first time I've left the house with curly hair besides camping since I was in 7th grade...yeah I sorta like it. I think I'll do it curly once in awhile. So we did our nails and may I say, I think they look awesome, lol. Then we went to Old Country Buffet and I'm still full from it and that was 7 hours ago. Monica bought a punching bag, lol. We were sitting in her room trying to get it out of the box then we were sitting on it and listening to No Secrets, then Britney Spears, then Micheal Jackson, then The Jackson 5, then Ashlee Simpson, then Christina Agauilra. Yeah we are amazing, lol. Then Monica dropped me back home where I proceeded with changing into my black lounge pants and a black sweatshirt and then I mowed the lawn. I like mowing the lawn, I know I'm a freak. I'm a badass at mowing the lawn. I did an amazing job. The backyard looks so good. So tomorrow Monica and I are suppose to hang out and we are going to get our eyebrows threaded. It's where they use this thread to take the hairs off instead of with tweazers. Yeah so it should be fun. I needed to fix my eyebrows. It will be my first time ever doing anything with my eyebrows, I hope they don't screw them up. I'm about to watch the video for Not Good Enough For A Cliche by Escape The Fate. It just got done...let's see if it's any good, shall we? Hmm it's an alright video. I love the lead singer's pants, I want them and his coat looked good on him...I would also do him, lol. He has pretty hair. My stomach hurts...

No human being can deny the fear of the unknown. We are all a victim of it. And the biggest fear is of the unknown after death. Yesterday a friend and I got into a discussion about religion. It wasn’t a debate but merely a friendly exchange of each other’s beliefs, which ended being similar. Though once a deeply founded Christian, I am no longer one at all. I wasn’t all too sure of my faith in the first place and now I see all the flaws and the things I smoothed over so I could follow what my family so desperately wanted me to follow and the things I forced myself to believe, to deal with my fear of the unknown after death. Now I look back and wonder why I ever did that. Even back then I would have moments of disbelief but I allowed the teachings to fool me to think that that was just human nature and something pushed me to force myself to believe. One thing I just couldn’t get myself to believe was the New World, the place after Satan was banished forever in the bottomless pit. Even heaven bothered me sometimes. How odd is it to hear someone say that the thought of heaven bothered them? I tried to believe but though I pretended, that part, I could never believe or wanted. I remember sitting in church, in a pew right near the front and learning about after the Tribulations and the New World and the New Heavens. I remember everyone besides me sitting there in wonder and excitement over such a wonderful happy place where lions and lambs laid in fields together. It seemed like I was the only one who thought that that seemed like a horrible, boring place. I felt horrible thinking that that would be a boring place. Heaven also seemed boring to me not that hell appealed to me either. But who would want to go to a place that was always perfect, where everything went right?
I have always been a firm believer in aliens. There was no possibility in my mind that we were the only life in an universe that was supposed to be endless. I couldn’t fathom how God had made this endless universe and on our tiny planet was the only life. Also the thought of this universe being endless made my mind scream. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the thought and if there was an end, what was past that end? My human mind cannot grasp this concept. Sometimes it is too hard to think of for fear that I will go insane trying to understand the idea. I could never really believe in an all-powerful being ruling over us. Things seem too flawed for that. I never understood if there was an all-powerful deity looking over us, why things were the way they were. If they had this all this power why didn’t they fix it? If they had an enemy why not just smite him? Thing were just to flawed for me. We look back on the Greeks now and laugh at the things they believed in but look at us now, we are no better than they were. Maybe I like the Greek deities so much because they weren’t perfect, they each had their flaws. I can see things being controlled by a mystical force more than an entity itself. Something that causes things to happen but that doesn’t have that deity-like status. I see this place and life as just one level or plane. I don’t know what happens exactly after this life but I don’t believe this is the end. I could never be an Atheist. To believe that there is no magic in this world, that it is all just science and that when we die, that is it, nothing happens. What would be the point of living? Life would be so pointless. Why make memories when we are just going to die? Also what happens to my spirit then? I can’t wrap my mind around this concept either. What would happen to me? Like my spirit, to not be anymore…it’s one of the most frightening things. I know for a fact that we have a spirit, there is no doubt in my mind. It’s more than just science. Science makes our bodies work but what makes the difference when we die? You could push a point in the arm of a dead man and his eyes would open and you could touch another spot and make his leg move but what is it that makes this man dead? You could get his heart to beat again but he would still be dead. You might be similar to you parents but people are their own person. Why? Again I will go back to that mystical force. And by the beliefs of Atheism, there was the Big Bang that started it all but what was before it? Where did this little condense material come from in the first place? Atheism just doesn’t seems right, there is just too many unexplained things.
We all find our ways of comforting our fear of the unknown whether it’s with Christianity, Atheism or whatever belief you might have.

My whole life I have been a music fanatic, an underground one until recently. I never realized how much I did cherish music until I got into high school. And because I had lost almost all my childhood memories, I was worried that my recent obsessive music lover personality was fake. Over these last few months I have been gaining some of my lost things back including some memories and pieces of my personality and I’ve realized I have always held music in a special part of my heart. Through it hasn’t been as big as it is now (Thanks to AFI), it was still important to me though I didn’t realize it. Like I remember being a small child, I mean young, really young and wanting to learn to play the harp. I remember dreaming of being like one of those mystical people playing the harp and musing people. (Yes I know I used that in the wrong context but this is my story and if I want to use musing in the wrong context, I will). Seeing a harpist in a movie would make me flip. I also wanted to be a dancer but that’s a whole different story. Soon after that I got my hands on this small cheap keyboard and played the batteries out of that thing. That’s where my love of piano music and the song Green Sleeves came from. I remember being on my porch in the sun playing my keyboard all by myself and then I would push the little button on it and just sit there and play Green Sleeves with it. Imagine an enthusiastic little kid with a keyboard in their lap, hitting the keys with such vigor and a head moving back and forth like the thing a conductor holds and that was me when I was listening to Green Sleeves. Actually I still do that but without the keyboard and don’t get me started on what I do when I hear Beethoven’s Fifth. Now keep in mind I didn’t actually know how to play a single song on that keyboard just loved to mess around and make my own songs. Later on when somehow I lost my life on that keyboard, I found new life in hearing my neighbors and best friends playing their piano. Oh man, I loved hearing them play and longed that I had a talent like that. They taught me a few songs that I can still kind of play if my memory is on my side. That didn’t last long though because we were young and had better things to do like playing witches and making various useless things but again a whole another story. After this is a period where either I didn’t have a musical desire or I don’t remember it. So the next crazy instrument I wanted to learn was the drums. Haha that was a fun one. Now I thought this desire was more of a secret one but I guess my dad knew about it so I must not remember some of the stuff I did during this period or before. I don’t think this period lasted long though it came back. So like about 80% of teenagers, I wanted to play guitar. This one hit hard, hard enough for me to convince my parents to buy me my acoustic beauty that though I don’t know how to play, I love dearly and have thrown out curses when I thought someone scratched her and then more when I found their filthy fingerprints on her lovely polished front. I fell into that for months where I would practice everyday out of the booklet it came with. I was learning the little practice songs out of it. I never knew about the tabs I could get online for the songs I loved so I was stuck with my little booklet. I’m not sure what really happened but overtime I didn’t play as much and then my parents were getting a separation and I lost my book and then my love barely saw the light out of her case. I tried to play every once in awhile where I would just strum and play the practice song I still remembered but without the book and playing the same simple thing over and over I would get bored and put her back in her case. Though I never let her gather dust. I didn’t really ever play her but I still loved her with some deep passion I couldn’t explain and still can’t. Soon I sort of lost any hope of me learning to play and took up singing. Through I have no previous memory of wanting to be a singer, I have a feeling that I had one before. The want of becoming a singer was subdued in me, hidden and buried under many layers of stage fright. I never really told anyone but I loved to sing. I had no thought of joining choir but with a push from Monica, I did. I found it mediocre, I learned a lot and people said my voice was better but there was one thing I hated, I dreaded. I couldn’t stand the tests. I just couldn’t do them. I remember my first one. I was shaking and freaking out. With the tests you had to stand in front of the class with one person from each of the other sections. So that means two other people and me and we had to sing our parts in the song we were learning. So though I was standing up there with two other people, I was still pretty much singing by myself. Oh man they scared the crap out of me. The first time, when it was my turn, I went up and tried to breathe. I was shaking with fright and started crying. It was awful. I can’t remember fully what happened after that but I just stood up there and sung the song while I was crying. I can’t remember why but she sent someone up there to help me and sing with me and because of that I got the lowest possible grade. I think it was my friend that went up to me and I remember afterward they hugged me and held me and told me it was okay. I felt awful and like such a loser. After that test I knew it wasn’t for me but I stayed in choir for the rest of the semester with a little push from Monica. So the next test I swore I would not cry. I swore on everything that meant anything, I would not cry. I don’t remember practicing on anything so hard in my life. I knew the song backward, frontward and every other way. I sung it to my friends and the people in the halls. I knew the song. So when it came to the day I told myself I would go first because you get to go again if you mess up if you go first. Well I tell myself that someone got up there before I did but really I chickened out. So I ended up going third or fourth. I was a little frightened but I told myself I knew the song and would have no problems. So I was singing and singing and I sung my solo with no problems but when the others came back in to join me something happened and I lost my place. So I stopped singing and searched frantically for my spot and right when I found it and was about to continue singing, the teacher sent someone down to help me. So again I got the lowest grade. I was pissed to say the least. I knew the song so well. I tore myself up for making such a stupid mistake. I never did get better than that lowest grade. It was different singing in front of them. They knew music. They would know if I hit the wrong note, if I went flat or if I went sharp. They could pin point my mistakes. I was starting in the middle of the year and knew absolutely nothing. Plus most of them had already been in a choir for 4 years prior. Then there were the concerts. That feeling, that feeling was ecstasy. The feeling of being on that stage was magical. It was amazing, it was great. My first concert possibly one of the worse things that could possibly happen for a frightened first timer, happened. I fell on my face in front of the whole crowd. Yep, that’s right I fell on my face. Scraped my knees, legs and hands up. I had got my dance shoes the night before and it was a rule that we couldn’t walk outside in them so the bottoms were still completely smooth and when I got up to walk up to the stage, I turned the corner and fell on my face and hands. And it was on camera. I simply jumped back up and tried to hold back my laughter. When we got on the risers half the choir was laughing and the other half was mumbling, "Are you okay?" to me. I shook it off and acted like nothing had happened. Later I almost cried from embarrassment but shrugged it off. The ecstasy of the stage swallowed me and I was too happy to let anything get to me. That night I slid on every sidewalk I past and scuffed up the bottoms, there was no way I was going to fall again. The next concert I joked saying that I was going to fall off the top of the risers and through I almost did, I didn’t and again had a blast. The feeling of the stage is nothing I have ever experienced before and something I will never forget. Through I quit choir, that feeling is what keeps the desire to be a singer still in my heart. After this the desire to play the drums slightly came back but a big wave of desire for guitar came back. I picked up my love and tried to learn to play On the Arrow by AFI for hours. I only stopped because my fingers were cramping and I couldn’t hit some cords. One spot I looked at though and literally said, "What the hell? My fingers don’t go that way!" Though I’m sure it’s a very simple song, it will be my first and so I find it hard. So I asked anyone I knew that might play guitar to help me and with no help I kind of abandoned it and here I am now. I was talking to my grandma yesterday and I was telling her about playing guitar and all of this and stuff and she tells me that she thought I sung very well because when I lived with my grandparents, I would sing up in my room all the time. Well she told me that I just need to have more confidence in myself and not to be so self-conscience. So today I find myself working on a song and actually singing the lyrics. And though it’s normal for me to imagine myself on stage singing a cover of a song or actually singing a song I had wrote with my band, I am actually thinking it might be a possibility. I always think of what I would say during interviews and the horrible stardom but the benefits of it like meeting people and making a change. I don’t know, to be someone would be nice. I just had an image of myself singing my song and playing my guitar and recording a video of it and seeing what people thought. It would be nice to feel the ecstasy of the stage again…

So this was my Monday night and Tuesday.

Okay, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first? Wait first I have to say, eww there is pig’s feet in my fridge. Why in this earth do we need pig’s feet? It is a waste of our money and it’s just going to go to waste in our fridge…unless Kathie eats them…and again I just have to say, eww. Okay so back to the news. Well normally you want to hear the bad news first then the good news plus I usually like to go in chronicle order. So bad news first. Okay so our story starts while Monica and I were hanging out and NO MONICA AND I DIDN’T HAVE A FIGHT! Gah if I get asked that one more time, I’m going to rip their throat out. So Monica and I were hanging out and we were going to these places and for around two hours we were hanging out with Adrian, which I only mention because I was skateboarding and I fell and was bleeding. I’m so hardcore like that. Okay so yeah after that we went to Ben’s to help plant trees which I found out I’m allergic to pine. My arm has little red dots all over it. So we watched more than we did actually helping but whatever. So later we left and Monica was driving me home and I found a hole near the crotch of my jeans. I don’t know what happened but I sort of flipped. When I got home, I walked to straight to the bathroom to wash my face and while I was leaving my dad walks up to me and goes, "What no hi?" I simply say sorry and walk to my room and shutting the door. I fell down on my bed and then crawled into a ball. My dad came into my room and was mad and asked me if Monica and I got in a fight. He was just pissing me off and making it worse. You don’t get angry at a depressed person, it makes them feel worse. So he leaves and I let old habits take over me. Pain was all that clouding my mind, I need pain. My body was numb and I only knew I was crying because it was falling down my shirt. I started with lightly hitting my head on the wall and by lightly I mean hard enough you could only hear it maybe two rooms over. My dad comes in and asks if that was me banging around and then leaves. My mind was screaming at me. I began clawing at my face. I wanted it to go away, I wanted the screaming to stop. I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to feel, anything. I wanted to hurt myself, I wanted pain, I wanted my skin torn, I wanted blood, I wanted scars. I let my ands drop and I started to bang my head and shoulder against the wall again but harder where it could be heard throughout the hall. My mind was screaming and crying for his attention. It’s all blurry now. The details are fuzzy. After awhile my dad came in, very mad and when he found out that I was banging my head against the wall, he got more mad. I told him to just go finish watching his show and I will find something else to hit my head against something else to not bother him. And then the threat happened. He told me that if I hurt myself again he would send me away. If he only knew the other stuff I’ve done to myself… After he left I hit my head a couple more time with big spaces in the timing then I just clawed at my face for some more time. Eventually I fell back down to lay on my side in a ball on my bed. Then exhaustion eventually hit and I fell asleep. I awoke a couple hours later so I could do my half of the homework I split with Monica. If it weren’t for my promise to her, I wouldn’t have done my homework. I got up and went to the bathroom. My stomach growled because I hadn’t had a real meal in day but I wouldn’t eat in a twisted way of hurting my dad. When I looked in the mirror, I noticed that I had hurt my eye. It was bright red and the lids were puffy. I touched it lightly then turned away and back to my room. Seeing myself like that tears me up inside. I hate that dark side of myself but I also love it, cling to it. Man even writing this puts tears in my eyes. So I headed back to my room and did my homework. I stayed up for awhile afterwards in a blank trance before "sleeping" again. I woke up a wreck. My head was sore and bruised. My shoulder was also bruised. My whole right side was pretty much bruised. And I had a major headache. My eye was still a little puffy, I had bags under my eyes and my eye was slightly pink. I felt horrible. My mood got better through the day and I didn’t mention to anyone what had happened the night before except to Sophia. At lunch, Krissy gave me a Tarot card reading. This is the good news by the way. So I had her do the New Lover reading. According to the cards, I will be getting a new lover soon, they will be an earth sign (Virgo, Capricorn or Taurus), and we aren’t compatible but we could make it work if we don’t let old people like parents and other adults, get in the way, and if we learn from our pasts. It made me happy. It also said we could have a really long relationship. I’m excited for this. And I’ve been sort of looking for this earth guy and Monica is too. I hope I find him soon. Soon is kind of vague. Soon could be tomorrow or it could be in two years. So far the only earth signs I know are Monica, Ben, Bryan, Steve, and this guy I’ve been talking to on Vampire Freaks. Or at least those are the only ones I know are earth signs. Megan is a Cancer, Melissa is a Leo, same with Josh, Mike is an Aquarius and so is Erica. But there is a chance that I haven’t been him yet. Sigh, patience is a virtue…

Written on Friday:

So I stayed home from school. It was hard. My alarm went off and I had to tell myself just to go back to sleep. I don’t know why I feel the need to go to school. I hadn’t done my math homework and I’m probably going to fail the class. I didn’t do the Chemistry homework either and this way I can do my rough draft and still get 20 extra credit points. It all makes logical sense yet I still wanted to go to school. Why the hell? I think that’s what I was comfortable with. Maybe because I knew I would be home with Kathie all day. Or maybe it was because I knew that I would have nothing to do all day and I would be bored out of my mind.

Written on Thursday:

So here I go running to the pain again. I don’t know what to do. It’s so comfortable. It’s what I’m use to. I’m not gonna go to school tomorrow. I’m not going to do my homework tonight and I just can’t handle this. But I can’t even say that because I don’t want to stay home but I don’t want to go to school. I don’t know what pulls me to school but I go. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m screwed up in the brain. Oh god, help me. For fucking sake, please. I just want to feel normally and know what I want.

Written on Tuesday:

Every time I look in the mirror, I see the scars of my past, literally. Though my friends use to check my wrists occasionally, that doesn’t mean I didn’t commit self-harm. Now believe me, I’ve been very close to cutting myself but I’ve always stop because a) I’m too lazy or depressed to leave my room to get a knife or razor, b) If I do have a knife or razor, I chicken out because the pain scares me and c) I know when I see the crimson blood, I will either faint, freak out and/or regret it so much. Now one tool I couldn’t escape was my nails. Now believe me when I say that when you are in such a deep darkness that you are truly considering self-harm, there is no logical thinking and nothing fills your mind but conflicting self-harm. That darkness is overpowering and addictive. And when your tool of choice is always with you or in my case always attached to you, there is nothing to slow your mind and prevent you from hurting yourself. When you have to go get your tool this leaves time for your mind to possibly settle enough to do some rational thought and stop your actions which is what stopped me most of the time. But sometimes the darkness is so thick not even a few moments of time would let rational thinking surface. And I have the scars to prove that. Not many and they aren’t big, barely even noticeable. Actually most people can’t tell but that’s not what matters, I know they are there and they are a constant reminder. I would have more and bigger ones but I am lucky enough to have skin that doesn’t scar for a long time. I have torn skin off my face, stomach, arms, shoulders and back. The only scars are on my shoulders. I remember once, I laid in my bed, bawling, the tears were pouring down my face and nothing filled my mind but how I needed to feel pain, I needed to be hurt, I needed the pain. I wanted to draw blood so badly, I wanted to see the crimson red blood pour out of my skin, and I pulled and scratched at my stomach. When I couldn’t draw blood with all my trying, I got mad and the pain started to show and then the anger turned to sadness. My hands dropped, I turned over and cried myself into a slumber. I never got the taste of blood and I’m glad. If during any of these times, I had drawn blood, I would probably be addicted and probably still harming myself now. Why did this come to me? What brought this? I looked at myself in the mirror after a shower. I saw those scars.

So I was watching Scarred. I don’t know why I put myself through that. I was on the second episode in a row and my Hemopobia was getting worse and I was feeling really nauseous. But yet I continued to watch. My mind and body conflict. My mind loves watching people do stupid things and get hurt and gore whereas my body is Hemophobic and can’t stand blood. But I deal with it because I like the shows but it really sucks when you have to get up and leave sometimes because you are shaking and feeling sick.

Written on Tuesday:

Every time I look in the mirror, I see the scars of my past, literally. Though my friends use to check my wrists occasionally, that doesn’t mean I didn’t commit self-harm. Now believe me, I’ve been very close to cutting myself but I’ve always stop because a) I’m too lazy or depressed to leave my room to get a knife or razor, b) If I do have a knife or razor, I chicken out because the pain scares me and c) I know when I see the crimson blood, I will either faint, freak out and/or regret it so much. Now one tool I couldn’t escape was my nails. Now believe me when I say that when you are in such a deep darkness that you are truly considering self-harm, there is no logical thinking and nothing fills your mind but conflicting self-harm. That darkness is overpowering and addictive. And when your tool of choice is always with you or in my case always attached to you, there is nothing to slow your mind and prevent you from hurting yourself. When you have to go get your tool this leaves time for your mind to possibly settle enough to do some rational thought and stop your actions which is what stopped me most of the time. But sometimes the darkness is so thick not even a few moments of time would let rational thinking surface. And I have the scars to prove that. Not many and they aren’t big, barely even noticeable. Actually most people can’t tell but that’s not what matters, I know they are there and they are a constant reminder. I would have more and bigger ones but I am lucky enough to have skin that doesn’t scar for a long time. I have torn skin off my face, stomach, arms, shoulders and back. The only scars are on my shoulders. I remember once, I laid in my bed, bawling, the tears were pouring down my face and nothing filled my mind but how I needed to feel pain, I needed to be hurt, I needed the pain. I wanted to draw blood so badly, I wanted to see the crimson red blood pour out of my skin, and I pulled and scratched at my stomach. When I couldn’t draw blood with all my trying, I got mad and the pain started to show and then the anger turned to sadness. My hands dropped, I turned over and cried myself into a slumber. I never got the taste of blood and I’m glad. If during any of these times, I had drawn blood, I would probably be addicted and probably still harming myself now. Why did this come to me? What brought this? I looked at myself in the mirror after a shower. I saw those scars. So I was watching Scarred. I don’t know why I put myself through that. I was on the second episode in a row and my Hemopobia was getting worse and I was feeling really nauseous. But yet I continued to watch. My mind and body conflict. My mind loves watching people do stupid things and get hurt and gore whereas my body is Hemophobic and can’t stand blood. But I deal with it because I like the shows but it really sucks when you have to get up and leave sometimes because you are shaking and feeling sick.

I know it’s Sunday but this was written on Monday the 7th:

I have been thinking all day on a thing that I like about myself that isn’t physical and I have finally really got something. I like how I am when I am happy and hyper like how I am with Sophia after 5th. Like when I do or say something crazy and she laughs and calls me a dork. I like when that happens. I like that feeling. I like that about myself. Sophia brings this out in me. I can be fan girlish, boy crazy around her. I feel comfortable being like that around her. In the whole group, I don’t feel completely comfortable being like that. When I’m happy and jump up and down and around people, I like this part of my personality. Overall I guess I like my personality when I am happy. Also today I have been thinking and I guess I don’t really hate my personality or myself. When I’m sad and in a low I can pick out the things about myself I hate but I can’t remember what those things are but then again, it might just be the sadness clouding my mind. Honestly over the last two weeks I have felt the best I have in years. Besides yesterday, I hadn’t had any really deep lows and I had days when I actually had moments of feeling happy. I have been trying to be better. I have. Over these couple weeks. But I am not going to lie, the sadness is comforting, as sick and twisted as that is. I try to ignore it’s hands and it’s comforting cry but it’s hard. I will turn my back to it and it will come and whisper in my ear, "I know how you’re feeling. Let me help you. Come on, you don’t have to feel awkward. Let me comfort you." It’s hard not to give in. It knows the pain in my heart and it’s hard to not run to it’s comforting arms anymore. I guess I’m addicted to it. But I don’t want to be like that anymore. I am trying to dance and sing again and just let go and I’m trying not to let the fact that I can’t have instant results get to me. I’m trying to remind myself that it won’t just happen over night, the sixteenth chapel wasn’t built in a day.

I don't know what the fuck goes through her mind! She is fucking crazy! You got to be fucking kidding me! Oh my fucking god! I just fucking screamed. Actually, about 4 times. If you know me at all then you know I don't scream. That is the first time I have ever screamed. After I just fucking fixed my fucking speakers and it's not fucking loud enough! You have to be fucking kidding me! That damn bitch shut down the computer and erased my whole godamn U.S. History paper. I don't fucking care about her fucking problems, this is my godamn school work! This isn't her stupid fucking kid games! I leave for two hours and the fucking computer is turned off and my fucking speakers are unplugged! AHHHH! I don't fucking care if my fucking typing bothers her, I needed to fucking type my paper! You know fuck it. I don't give a shit anymore.

I walked into my room tonight after Monica dropped me off and went to my bed to drop my bag onto it. While walking I caught a glance at my AFI poster and when I dropped my bag, I turned to them. They looked different, their gazes seemed different as if they were telling me, "It's okay, tell us all your problems." I wakled over to them and kissed my index finger and touched it to Adam's lips, then repeated it for Hunter then Jade and lastly Davey. I sighed and said, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I be normal?" I rub my face and start changing into my pjs. "I can't hide it anymore. I can't act like nothing is wrong anymore. I just can't." I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. After a night of hearing a fight over how I am the reason for all the problems and not sleeping, I didn't feel well. Actually I felt nothing, completely blank. It wasn't until 6th period did I break down and cry. That is when the pain came. Well I woke up, blank and not wanting to go see people but I got up even more because my will to not be home was stronger. So I go the bus stop to get the normal stares and when the bus came, I got on and sat next to Josh though I was strongly thinking of sitting somewhere else. I sat down and he turned to me and asked, "What was wrong last night?" I had been in a horrible mood even before the fighting and I had told him that he didn't want to me and then signed offline. I softly said, "Nothing." and we didn't say a thing the rest of the bus ride. When I got off the bus, I simply started walking away instead of waiting for Josh and Bryan though Josh was right behind me and I told him, "You can wait for Bryan. I have something I need to do."He starts to follow saying, "I would rather go with you."
I say blankly, "You can't follow me to the girl's bathroom."
He says some jokingly comments and somehow he is no longer walking with me. I walk to my locker to have Sophia show up. She says something about bands or something then asks what is wrong which I simply with "Nothing." I leave and walk slowly up a floor. Then I cross over to go to the bathroom. I open the door and quickly close it when I see a million girls in it. I go up one more floor and find that bathroom, open and only one girl in it. I act like I'm checking my make-up and soon she leaves. I then just stare into mirror. I stared deep into my eyes and begged myself to see something. Just anything. Any sign of emotion. I became in a trance and was quickly snapped out of it when the door opened. They gave me a funny look and I left the bathroom. I didn't know where to go. I didn't want to go to my friends. I didn't want to get the "what's wrong?" I know I caused the pity and I hated it. So I decided to walk to the tower stairs and see if I could find a lone spot. As I crossed over the second floor, it was full of people and when I got to the third floor, it was full of people including my cousin. I tried to walk past without her seeing but it didn't happen. I waved but she wanted a hug and of course asked, "What's wrong?" I said nothing and left. I turned the corner and slowed down wondering how much longer I had to wait till the bell. I checked my phone to see I still had fifteen minutes. I acted like I was going through my backpack and then messed with my mp4 and then my phone. Eventually, Melissa and Monica round the corner. I told them I had just went to the bathroom. I didn't really tell anyone what was wrong until in Math in sixth period. Ben kinda forced it from me. Yeah so that was that.