Hahaha well I just heard the greatest comment regarding the presidential candidates.

"I think McCain just blew his chances for office with his poor VP choice. Who are the racist and sexist people going to vote for now?"

Rofl! That is awesome! But I would have to agree with them well partly. I don't like his VP choice. It seems like he chose her just for the women's vote. Plus I disagree with some of the stuff she has done. Also during her speech, she sounded like she is running for the high school cabinet! She just bugs me. I have yet decided on who will get my vote though, McCain or Obama.

So in a change of topics. I found out on the 5th that Tom has been flirting with this girl online and telling her that his girlfriend dumped him and all this shit. I was heartbroken to say the least but I forgave him. He no longer has my trust and my paranoia is definitely worse. But the pain of it made me realize how much I love him. I also told him that I believed he does this because he isn't over Bekka yet and that I feel that he could never love me. That was when he told me that he loved me. I told him that I was going to ignore it and if he meant it to tell me in person when we saw each other on Monday, my birthday. When we saw each other, we hugged for awhile and then he got on his knees and told me that he truly did love me and I told him that I loved him too. That was the reason I forgave him in the first place. I want this to work but I will not take him hurting me and doing this again. Well anyway after this we hugged again and I was holding back tears. When we went to his room to lay down, I just couldn't hold it back and began sobbing. We just laid there crying. Eventually I calmed down and calmed him down. I also noticed the marks he had given himself over the weekend when I was mad at him. That was the worst weekend of my life. I felt awful for wanting him to feel like shit for hurting me, hoping that he would never think of doing it again but I also wanted him not to be hurt because when he is hurt, I am hurt. I am so afraid that it will happen again. I have so many doubts. On Monday I felt finally ready to have sex. I had not a single doubt in my mind but we didn't and so we were gonna the next time we hung out. But the next day, my fear of commitment kicked in and I had all these thoughts. Being that close to someone scares the shit out of me! My guard would be down. I could so easily get hurt. God, I cried so hard. I hate being like this. I love him, I do. I just so badly don't want to get hurt like always but I can never truly be happy and in love if I don't allow room for him to possibly hurt me. But that's so hard. I told him that I was freaking out and he said that we will wait then. He also doesn't want to break my dad's trust. I don't know why he feels so strongly about this. I know that's a good thing and I don't want to break it either but my dad doesn't want me doing it before marriage. Actually he'd prefer I don't do anything sexual. But he doesn't have a problem with us fooling around but having sex feels like breaking his trust. I don't know. Everything seems to worry me. I need to stop doubting everything. I don't know. Its just so hard. I feel like I could never be Bekka. He surrounds himself with her memory. Its no doubt he hasn't gotten over her. He can't go or look anywhere without being constantly reminded of her. It hurts to go on his myspace and there is no indication that we are even dating. Everything is about her. I understand he loved her and that she means a lot and I don't want him doing things because I say I don't like them. I want him to do them on his own. I don't know if I could ever tell him how much just looking at his myspace hurts me. It's even worse when I've had people come and tell me how they think its wrong when they don't see anything about me on his myspace, not even a picture. It only myspace, I know but still I would love a little comment from him every once in awhile to know he is thinking about me or a picture comment or something that shows he cares and misses me or something. I don't want to tell him this because I don't want to tell him to do. I want to be a good girlfriend. I feel like I am being needy and clingy or something. I don't want to scare him off. I want to be happy and he has made me so happy thus far well besides what he did. Now I feel horrible 'cos I am doubting everything and worried that he is possibly using me. I justify that he isn't. I can see he cares for me but the doubt is still there. I don't want it to be like a Spencer where I am being manipulated. God, these are horrible thoughts. He isn't Spencer. He hasn't forced me to do anything sexual to him. He hasn't hit me. He hasn't forced me to do anything that I didn't want to do. He is wonderful to me and is such a sweetheart. Hopefully one day I could tell him my doubts and all of my feelings.

It has been a lifetime. So I'll give a few updates:

David never told me how he felt about me so I gave up on him. Which I'm glad I did 'cos I found an amazing guy, Tom. I simply adore him and I dare to say I might love him. We have been dating 5 months today :D. I just got back from camping with Tom, Josh, Bryan, Monica and Ben for 3 days. I finally was able to sleep in his arms and it was blissful even though everytime I woke up in the night cold, he had turned away from me, loser. Besides a few drama bits, it was a lot of fun.

A couple weeks ago, Kathie killed herself. She stood on train tracks until a train came... It was a hard couple days. I cried so much. I hadn't ever delt with a suicide and it was extremely hard. I know what its like to want to die so badly...but I never did it...she did. It makes me wonder if she is better or regrets it.

Its been about 2 weeks since I've lost my hearing in my left ear. They aren't completely sure what it is but they think it might be an infection. They have me on a lot of medication for it. They say that it shouldn't be permant but who knows. I'm just tired of my medication's side effects.

Tons of fun stuffs. Oh and I am still at Target :P

Wow, my last post have all been sad. Good news! I bought two AFI albums, Answer That and Stay Fashionable and Black Sails In The Sunset. That means I just need Shut Your Mouth and Open Your Eyes, and I'll have them all! I also bought the Blessthefall album. It is amazing but I already knew that, thanks to technology.

I can't breathe out of my nose. I feel like shit. I'm so fustrated and sick. I don't know what to do about David. Nothing has happened and if it continues like this my body will completely wipe out any feelings I once had for him. I just want to know if he likes me back or not. If not then I can just move on. I'm tired of making the moves. That's not who I am. I'm submissive and I like it that way. Plus, I don't wnat my feelings just to disapear. This is the first time, I have ever really liked someone and I don't want it just to go away just beacuse my body is retarded. That is why I am actually trying to make this thing work out. I don't know what to do. I'm just tired and worn out. It seems like a lifetime since I've rested.

My heat beat has been so fast ever since around the time David was mentioned at work today or that's what I think. I don't know but there is a sharp pain in my gut sometimes and my heart beat hasn't slowed. I'm worried this means something bad. I have to talk to Monica about it.

He died at 3.. I wasn't informed until I got off work because my dad wanted to be there to comfort me. I don't think it has fully hit me. I haven't really cried and I seem to be numb. I feel like shit though. My chest hurts and I have a slight headache. I'll probably not go to work tomorrow. I don't want to close again. I have had two shitty closes in a row. I'm just too stressed out for this. I am running off of coffee right now and barely any food. If I eat anything I know I will get a sharp pain in my chest plus I have no appetite. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm a mess. That picture of me is so old, I'm gonna change it. I spent the night at the nursing home. I'm only home now so I can shower and go to work. Then I'm gonna go back. My grandpa isn't doing well. I'm not going to lie to myself and say he's going to get better. He's going to die probably tonight. I'm just hoping to be there. I'm the youngest person there. My dad said that if I wasn't 18 he would never have let me go. He is drowning. His lungs are filling with fluid and they can't do anything about it so he is just going to slowly drown to death. He sounds like a bubbling river with deep gasping breaths. Fluid will coming from his mouth. I made the mistake of looking at him in the eyes. God, it was the worst thing to see in my life. I can't even explain what I saw. I saw death. I saw emptiness. I saw blackness. I saw everything. I saw nothing. Black holes. I saw all this in a second. This is so hard.