And yes I know, I suck at updating but it's not like anyone really reads this.

And if someone actually does, then comment! Pwease? *puppy dog eyes* Haha

Today was a good day. It started out kind of sucky with me sleeping through my alarm up and almost being late to work. But once at work, it was fairly good. It was a very, very slow day. We only had a few customers so it was nice and easy. After work, my dad and I went shopping and I got myself some soymilk, fruit rolls, mascara and eyeliner. Then when I arrived at home, Mike called me. He wanted to hang out and we took a hell of a time trying to figure out what we should do. Eventually we decided to just hang out at his house until we think of something better. I called Bryan to see if he wanted to join us but he said no because he was reading the new Harry Potter book. I asked him if Harry Potter was more important than his friends were and he said yes… Loser. This is coming from the kid who reads a single book every couple years. Oh well, I changed out of my work uniform and waited for Mike to come pick me up. When he showed up at my house he informed me that on the way to my house he had gotten in a fight with his dad and he stopped the car and got out to walk the rest of the way to my house, leaving his dad in the road. So we decided to walk the two miles to the bus stop and go to the mall. Well while we were leaving I decided to see what my dad was doing. Eventually it led to me asking if he was willing to drive us both to the Tacoma Mall (a much better mall). He agreed. I was excited because that meant that I could go to a Hot Topic. When we got there, we turned the corner, literally and walked a couple feet to the Hot Topic. It is like a magnet. Well anyway, I walked past the cds and usually I don’t bother looking because they are usually expensive but I did and I saw that AFI’s The Art of Drowning was on sale! I bought it right away. I’ve wanted this cd for a year now. I was excited. We walked back and forth through the mall. Mike and I checked out people. There were barely any teenagers at the mall so finding attractive people was hard. Though we saw this really hot milf. And later there was a cute boy working at Hot Topic. Mike saw a few hot chicks, I thought they were alright. This chick glared at me. What else? Well later, we went into Spencer’s and I saw this AFI shirt that was on sale for 9.98! I was sort of disappointed because it was a new design and I didn’t really like. Then next to it I found a Bullet For My Valentine shirt. Mike was smart and took the sale sticker off of the AFI shirt and put it on the BFMV one. So instead of paying 19.99, I paid 9.98. Yes, I fell terrible about ripping off a fellow AFI fan that now has to pay 19.99 for that AFI shirt but… it’s not their best design. I mean, red sparkles? So now I have a BFMV shirt! Yay! I was going to buy this amazing plaid skirt from Hot Topic but I figured it was too much. I would have bought if I weren’t saving my money for Warped Tour. Oh well, it was still a good day AND I finally have a version of A Story At Three that doesn’t have annoying loud pops in the middle of the song. The album art is also amazing as I already knew but now I actually have the art in my hands. My new shirt is also very soft and I am going to wear it at the Rise Against concert tomorrow. Like I said, good day.

OMG! I almost forgot to meantion that I asked Hot Topic if they were having a listening party for Blaqk Audio and they are! I'm so excited!

I haven’t made an entry in awhile so here is one but sadly it won’t be a happy one. Now I have been trying to be happy lately and I would have to say, I succeeded. I mean I felt happy and things seemed to be going for me. But I guess nothing has really changed underneath it all. I guess I can only cover it up for so long. I guess my cover up time has shortened dramatically. I held it in for so many years and then when I hit high school it all started to unravel and I couldn’t cover it up anymore. Those were dark times and over these last couple months I realized that I had gotten too comfortable in that sadness. I had let it overwhelm me and Monica had let me see that. So taking her advice I was happier but I guess it was just covering up the underlying problem and feelings. Now I will be just sitting somewhere and tears will fall down my cheeks and then I start to feel sad. I don’t like it. I don’t want it. It’s like a drug. I know it’s bad but it’s comforting and familiar but I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want it gone. I don’t want to be like that again. I like being happy. I want to have a normal life or at least as normal of a life I could possibly have. I just don’t want the sadness. I’m stronger than that. I know I am. I just need to find a way to fix this. To find out what the main problem is so I can stop covering it up and acting like nothing is wrong. That doesn’t fix anything. It will just cause more problems in the end and probably send me to an asylum. My dad has already threatened to send me to one. I don’t need to give him cause to. I’m so very tired but I doubt I’ll be able to sleep. I have too many tears and too many unsolved feelings. I am trying to get my life on track. I am getting my life started and gathering more stuff to be more independent though I have found that I have gotten scared. I have my own money but a part of me feels like I shouldn’t use it and part of me just want to fall to my dad like I have my whole life. It’s scary. I thought I could do it but I guess my dad was right, I’m not. I’m still a kid that is looking out through a window at the world thinking that I could go out there by myself without holding my father’s hand. And being a teenager, I thought I knew it all and that my dad didn’t know what he was talking about. The fact that he had been in the world for almost 50 years didn’t matter because in my 17 years of life I knew more than he did. Man was I naïve. But I should be glad that I realized this now before I had done something stupid.

I think I figured out why I had been so sad lately. I miss my mom tremulously… and I hate it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to care. I don’t want to think about this.