Written a couple weeks ago...yeah I'll get better, I swear, lol.
Today it actually hit me how much I love AFI. I mean I was worried there for awhile that they didn’t really mean as much as I thought they did but now…now I know they are so close to my heart. I was watching a bonus feature on I Heard A Voice and Davey was talking about the lyric "One at a time, constants become surreal. One at a time, heart attacks are concealed. I can see that I lose the joys of life." and he was talking about losing what you love and while he was talking, tears swelled in my eyes. It just hit me how much they changed my life and how much they mean to me. As I’m typing this, tears forming. It’s hard to explain what they’ve done. I can’t remember what it was like without them and I can’t imagine what it will be like without them. Oh my god, I can’t even think that without crying. Throughout the whole interview of all the Despair Faction members and the band, I was getting tears and I knew that I needed to become a member and I know now that I will not regret it. I have a greater urge now to tell them how much they mean to me and how they have saved my life and that I’m forever eternally grateful. I just want to meet them and thank them. They mean the world to me.
Monday, June 25, 2007
I feel like the coolest person alive. I’m wearing my black pants that are loose and have a knife stabbing a heart while it’s bleeding on the front and "Heartbreaker" written across my butt, Mike’s old shirt that says, "You know what your problem is? You’re stupid." and my hair is up in a ponytail with a bandana tied over it. Oh yeah, I’m cool. I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house. That don't bother me. I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out. I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though going on with you gone still upsets me. There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok but that's not what gets me. What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away and never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what I was tryin' to do.Yay Rascal Flatts! They are awesome. Now the song changed to Here’s to Tonight by Eve 6…oooo I should listen to Inside Out by Eve 6, that’s a great song. Man it takes forever to scroll through my songs. Found it! Find nothing but faith in nothing. Ah, great song. Haha alrighty so I found another thing about disliking the term "emo." Really originally I loved the word, it was a fun word and still is sometimes but only with Sophia really. I have nothing against calling the fashion emo because that’s a label, everything has one but the term is almost always used as a negative term and it bothers me. Maybe it bothers me so much because it is used against me all the time. But really it’s not a music genre because emo is in every genre. It’s no longer a genre. There is no song or band that can’t be labeled as something other than emo and that other label would be more specific and true. Like if it’s hardcore, call it hardcore or at least emocore. Genres are suppose to give you an idea of what the music is like but saying emo, you aren’t limiting the sound the band or song might be. Plus the term is broad you can’t even have an idea of what it will sound like.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Written Saturday morning:
The last day of school was interestingly amazing. I wake normally and get ready just like every other school not even feeling like this was the last day of school…well technically it isn’t, Monday is but I mean really, whose going to go to school on Monday to sit in the gym for two hours? No one, that’s who. So anyway I rush out the door with my belt half on, necklace and headphones in my mouth as I’m trying to keep a hold of my mp4 player and put my coat on and did I mention, it’s raining? Well it’s Washington, so yes it is raining. So when I get to the bus stop, I’m half-decent and soon find that the bus drives by and is running late. Like I said, normal day. So when it comes, I get on the bus and Josh turns to me and goes, "You wanna hear Stiff Kittens?" I literally squeal with excitement and hug him while mumbling yes over and over. He hands me the headphones and I make another noise of pure ecstasy. I sat there and when the beat came on I immediately wanted to dance and when Davey’s voice came on, my heart dropped. I started to sing along and Josh game me a weird look."How do you know the words, this is the first time you’ve heard it."I smile with euphoria, "Ohhhh, I’ve known the lyrics for months."Plus I find that he had downloaded songs that I had wanted to hear for awhile. I was in bliss. So I get to school and it’s just a normal morning, nothing important to say. This post is going to be long enough with out telling that. So first class is my 2nd period, English. We already did our final (I got 100% on the 5 essays!) and so it was a free day. Meggs and I talked the whole two hours. I was worried that she was going to do her AP Chemistry summer homework but she actually talked to me, it was nice. We just had girl talk and talked about parental drug use and stuff. So after that I had lunch and I helped Meggs find this chick I hadn’t spoken to in years. Lunch was same old, same old besides worrying about finals. After lunch was my 4th period, Health 2. I had two vocab tests and a 90 question multiple choice chapter test. It was easy. I was thoroughly reminded and I quote, "This is the last time you’ll be able to say, ‘Have a good summer, see you next year.’" I hit her and walked away. I would like to not think about that. After that Megan, Monica, Melissa and I were sitting by a lunch table talking and then we turn to see the huge group surrounding us then we turn to see a fight. This chick was yelling and cursing at the guy and she’s hitting him, going on about not believing him or something. I just walked off to my last class. I talked a bit more then went to take my Algebra 4 final. I was thoroughly worried about this one. It took me the 2 hours but I think I did alright on it, not an A but not a F. After school Monica tells me that she’ll drive Josh and I to Mikes party so we can go straight there. I kept calling Josh to tell him not to get on the bus and on the 6th try, he answers and Mons and I are already two blocks down when he answers. "Hello?""Answer your damn phone!""I was play-""Get you ass off the bus, Monica’s driving us.""Where are you?""Right in front of the bus!"We were not happy about walking two blocks down to walk back then like 5 more to her car. It really didn’t feel like school was over, it didn’t even feel like Friday, it was lame. It still doesn’t really. So we drop Ben off and waited for Ben and Monica’s five-minute good-bye. It takes them awhile. Then we swing by Mike’s, drop Josh off and then go to Monica’s for…girl stuff. She changes and we head back to Mike’s. Soon after, we leave with towels to go to The View. It’s this secluded cliff surrounded by woods. Well we get there and lay the towels down and began playing strip 13. There were teams because it’s only a four-player game. Josh, Bryan, and I were on a team, Monica, Kyle, and Sophia on another, Sarah and Mike on another, and Ian, Ben, and Melissa on the last. I think it shows how often we play this game when before I come to these gatherings I wear my cute underwear. So anyway, we played, we got naked, we got eaten by mosquitoes. Tons-o-fun. We had just finished the last hand when we heard people so we hurried to get our clothes on and left. We returned to Mike’s and somehow I ended up tied to Mike’s nightstand with homemade handcuffs. I was perfectly content and comfortable until they began tickling me. I proceeded to get away and fell off the bed to the floor. They untied me and then we all just laid on the bed and talked. After awhile, Missy, Josie and Bennett arrived. At one point Monica called be onto the roof and Melissa, Monica and I were yelling at Josh and Mike to stop messing around near the edge. They were going to fall and break something and if they didn’t I would break something for them. Then Mike grabbed my arms to get me closer to the edge."Come on, you trust me.""Not with this! Over a rocky ocean is different!"I had let him hold me over this bridge once…yeah I know I’m crazy. Well he stopped and eventually went back inside. Then I was joking around said what if we peed over the edge and onto Monica’s car? She didn’t like that idea so it changed to peeing on Bryan’s car. We went inside and ate some pizza. After that, Bryan asked me if I wanted to try driving his car. I got excited and said yes. So we all walked to the school and drove around in the parking lot. Mike was being a dumb ass and ran in front of the car when I was driving by. I stopped and Bryan and Monica began yelling at Mike. I shrugged and said, "I wasn’t affected one bit by you running past.""And you didn’t stop until after I had ran past."I laughed. "I thought it was best that I did."Monica and Bryan were pretty pissed. I mean who the hell runs in front of a car for one plus on being drive by a first time driver? It is also annoying to be yelled two different things by two different people. And by yell, I mean yell. When I was driving again we hear someone hit the trunk of the car and I get, "Stop the fucking car!" Yelled in my ear and Monica runs out of the car. She proceeded to run after Ian who fell to the grass and Monica began kicking him. We had warned him not to piss her off, she’s menstruating. I just began driving again and Bryan started to get scared and was like, "I’m worried about how confident you are. People aren’t suppose to be this confident this quickly."I laugh and make a quick but smooth right turn. I was having so much fun. He didn’t trust me and once he yelled at me to brake because he thought I was going to hit the curb and that’s when I found out that when you yell stop or brake at me my first instinct isn’t to slam on the brake but to freeze up. I did make the turn, no problem and yelled at him to not do that. But it is understandable. I mean it is his car. Now after driving, I want my permit so bad. The only reason why I haven’t is because I need my dad there and he’s always busy. I mean I’ve read the book like four times. We return to Mike’s and made a fire in the backyard. Somehow we began talking about piercing and we were going to pierce me but we ended up doing Ben’s left nipple. Man he is definitely the most metal now. That looked like it hurt. He had a bundle of two socks in his mouth, it hurt that badly. The first time, Sophia kept slipping because of the melted ice and because the skin was so tough. It was also the first nipple she had pierced. Well after awhile she got the needle through and we kept it in for awhile. She tried to put the ring in but the hole was too small so she stuck a bigger needle in and then a bigger one to gauge it. After that, she slipped the ring in and he had the nipple piercing that he wanted so badly and the piercing his parents will kill him for if they find out. After this we turn to see Melissa kiss Kyle on the hammock and then they made-out for quite awhile. People seem to hook up at Mike’s parties. What’s funny is Bryan and I predicted it. Well we all did various things and then I remembered Sophie had proposed to me a couple days earlier and because Kyle was a satanic priest, we had him marry us. Sophie and I stood by the fire as everyone circled around the fire. "Bastards, bitches and Bryan-""Hey! Why is it always me?""Because you’re republican, Bryan." Kyle turned back to us. "We gathered her to unite these two in unholy matrimony.""This isn’t Illinois." Bryan and his republican comments, haha. Kyle just continued on. "So I called Satan up and was like, ‘Hey what’s up?’ and he said, ‘Skinning fish.’ so we were skinning fish-""Wait!" I said and ran and grabbed Josh’s phone. I turned it on and began playing Kiss and Control by AFI. I had Ian hold the phone."This is our song. It is totally a love song." I laugh. "Okay continue.""Okay so Satan and I were killing fish-""Wait, shut up! These are our vows."We waited a few moments and then in unison, Sophie and I said, "We all want to die like movie stars you said as you jumped from the height of our cutting room floor. While above us, glowing, exploding, our dreams burst forth in light, in death. Hold me and tell me we’ll burn like stars, we’ll burn as we fall. Watch as city lights dance for us!"We smiled and Kyle continued. "Alicia do you take Sophie to be your semi-lawfully, semi-faithful wife. In sickness, in health, in post- apocalypse, in AIDS, and of Gonorrhea of the eye?""Totally McGee!""How gangster. Sophie do you take Alicia to be your semi-lawfully, semi-faithful wife. In sickness, in health, in post- apocalypse, in AIDS, and of Gonorrhea of the eye?""Yeah."Sarah then placed the handmade handcuffs on us. I turned to Kyle."Okay?"He then said something in German, which I took as an equivalent as ‘kiss the bride.’ So I flung the strap of the handcuffs over her head, around her neck and hugged her. It took us awhile to untangle ourselves and then I turn to Sarah and told her that I had to pee really bad. So Sarah, Sophie and I went out front to Bryan’s car. Sarah and I then proceeded to pee on Bryan’s right front tire. Later Sarah and I told Bryan to sit down, hugged him and told him we peed on his car. He was shocked that we actually did it and then peed on Sarah’s car. After that the people started filtering out as it was getting later and people were going home. I gave Bryan the massage I owed him and then by this time it was almost midnight and I figured I should be heading home so I go a ride with Mike’s brother. Before I left, I congratulated Kyle, telling him he snagged the hardest person alive. Melissa’s longest relationship was like 3 days. Mel doesn’t really like people and pretty much doesn’t do relationships. If they are still together in a week I’ll be surprised. When I got home and told my dad about Mel and Kyle, my dad says, "I always thought Melissa was a good little Christian girl." I almost laughed. My dad thinks Melissa’s a good little Christian girl?! Haha, yeah right. It was a good day though it feels like I still have cool. Ben, Monica, Sophie and I are going to school on Monday for a moment to drop off books they forgot and then we are going to skip and go do something. Somehow it was dumped on me to figure out what to do… I have no idea. Well I have two days to figure it out…
The last day of school was interestingly amazing. I wake normally and get ready just like every other school not even feeling like this was the last day of school…well technically it isn’t, Monday is but I mean really, whose going to go to school on Monday to sit in the gym for two hours? No one, that’s who. So anyway I rush out the door with my belt half on, necklace and headphones in my mouth as I’m trying to keep a hold of my mp4 player and put my coat on and did I mention, it’s raining? Well it’s Washington, so yes it is raining. So when I get to the bus stop, I’m half-decent and soon find that the bus drives by and is running late. Like I said, normal day. So when it comes, I get on the bus and Josh turns to me and goes, "You wanna hear Stiff Kittens?" I literally squeal with excitement and hug him while mumbling yes over and over. He hands me the headphones and I make another noise of pure ecstasy. I sat there and when the beat came on I immediately wanted to dance and when Davey’s voice came on, my heart dropped. I started to sing along and Josh game me a weird look."How do you know the words, this is the first time you’ve heard it."I smile with euphoria, "Ohhhh, I’ve known the lyrics for months."Plus I find that he had downloaded songs that I had wanted to hear for awhile. I was in bliss. So I get to school and it’s just a normal morning, nothing important to say. This post is going to be long enough with out telling that. So first class is my 2nd period, English. We already did our final (I got 100% on the 5 essays!) and so it was a free day. Meggs and I talked the whole two hours. I was worried that she was going to do her AP Chemistry summer homework but she actually talked to me, it was nice. We just had girl talk and talked about parental drug use and stuff. So after that I had lunch and I helped Meggs find this chick I hadn’t spoken to in years. Lunch was same old, same old besides worrying about finals. After lunch was my 4th period, Health 2. I had two vocab tests and a 90 question multiple choice chapter test. It was easy. I was thoroughly reminded and I quote, "This is the last time you’ll be able to say, ‘Have a good summer, see you next year.’" I hit her and walked away. I would like to not think about that. After that Megan, Monica, Melissa and I were sitting by a lunch table talking and then we turn to see the huge group surrounding us then we turn to see a fight. This chick was yelling and cursing at the guy and she’s hitting him, going on about not believing him or something. I just walked off to my last class. I talked a bit more then went to take my Algebra 4 final. I was thoroughly worried about this one. It took me the 2 hours but I think I did alright on it, not an A but not a F. After school Monica tells me that she’ll drive Josh and I to Mikes party so we can go straight there. I kept calling Josh to tell him not to get on the bus and on the 6th try, he answers and Mons and I are already two blocks down when he answers. "Hello?""Answer your damn phone!""I was play-""Get you ass off the bus, Monica’s driving us.""Where are you?""Right in front of the bus!"We were not happy about walking two blocks down to walk back then like 5 more to her car. It really didn’t feel like school was over, it didn’t even feel like Friday, it was lame. It still doesn’t really. So we drop Ben off and waited for Ben and Monica’s five-minute good-bye. It takes them awhile. Then we swing by Mike’s, drop Josh off and then go to Monica’s for…girl stuff. She changes and we head back to Mike’s. Soon after, we leave with towels to go to The View. It’s this secluded cliff surrounded by woods. Well we get there and lay the towels down and began playing strip 13. There were teams because it’s only a four-player game. Josh, Bryan, and I were on a team, Monica, Kyle, and Sophia on another, Sarah and Mike on another, and Ian, Ben, and Melissa on the last. I think it shows how often we play this game when before I come to these gatherings I wear my cute underwear. So anyway, we played, we got naked, we got eaten by mosquitoes. Tons-o-fun. We had just finished the last hand when we heard people so we hurried to get our clothes on and left. We returned to Mike’s and somehow I ended up tied to Mike’s nightstand with homemade handcuffs. I was perfectly content and comfortable until they began tickling me. I proceeded to get away and fell off the bed to the floor. They untied me and then we all just laid on the bed and talked. After awhile, Missy, Josie and Bennett arrived. At one point Monica called be onto the roof and Melissa, Monica and I were yelling at Josh and Mike to stop messing around near the edge. They were going to fall and break something and if they didn’t I would break something for them. Then Mike grabbed my arms to get me closer to the edge."Come on, you trust me.""Not with this! Over a rocky ocean is different!"I had let him hold me over this bridge once…yeah I know I’m crazy. Well he stopped and eventually went back inside. Then I was joking around said what if we peed over the edge and onto Monica’s car? She didn’t like that idea so it changed to peeing on Bryan’s car. We went inside and ate some pizza. After that, Bryan asked me if I wanted to try driving his car. I got excited and said yes. So we all walked to the school and drove around in the parking lot. Mike was being a dumb ass and ran in front of the car when I was driving by. I stopped and Bryan and Monica began yelling at Mike. I shrugged and said, "I wasn’t affected one bit by you running past.""And you didn’t stop until after I had ran past."I laughed. "I thought it was best that I did."Monica and Bryan were pretty pissed. I mean who the hell runs in front of a car for one plus on being drive by a first time driver? It is also annoying to be yelled two different things by two different people. And by yell, I mean yell. When I was driving again we hear someone hit the trunk of the car and I get, "Stop the fucking car!" Yelled in my ear and Monica runs out of the car. She proceeded to run after Ian who fell to the grass and Monica began kicking him. We had warned him not to piss her off, she’s menstruating. I just began driving again and Bryan started to get scared and was like, "I’m worried about how confident you are. People aren’t suppose to be this confident this quickly."I laugh and make a quick but smooth right turn. I was having so much fun. He didn’t trust me and once he yelled at me to brake because he thought I was going to hit the curb and that’s when I found out that when you yell stop or brake at me my first instinct isn’t to slam on the brake but to freeze up. I did make the turn, no problem and yelled at him to not do that. But it is understandable. I mean it is his car. Now after driving, I want my permit so bad. The only reason why I haven’t is because I need my dad there and he’s always busy. I mean I’ve read the book like four times. We return to Mike’s and made a fire in the backyard. Somehow we began talking about piercing and we were going to pierce me but we ended up doing Ben’s left nipple. Man he is definitely the most metal now. That looked like it hurt. He had a bundle of two socks in his mouth, it hurt that badly. The first time, Sophia kept slipping because of the melted ice and because the skin was so tough. It was also the first nipple she had pierced. Well after awhile she got the needle through and we kept it in for awhile. She tried to put the ring in but the hole was too small so she stuck a bigger needle in and then a bigger one to gauge it. After that, she slipped the ring in and he had the nipple piercing that he wanted so badly and the piercing his parents will kill him for if they find out. After this we turn to see Melissa kiss Kyle on the hammock and then they made-out for quite awhile. People seem to hook up at Mike’s parties. What’s funny is Bryan and I predicted it. Well we all did various things and then I remembered Sophie had proposed to me a couple days earlier and because Kyle was a satanic priest, we had him marry us. Sophie and I stood by the fire as everyone circled around the fire. "Bastards, bitches and Bryan-""Hey! Why is it always me?""Because you’re republican, Bryan." Kyle turned back to us. "We gathered her to unite these two in unholy matrimony.""This isn’t Illinois." Bryan and his republican comments, haha. Kyle just continued on. "So I called Satan up and was like, ‘Hey what’s up?’ and he said, ‘Skinning fish.’ so we were skinning fish-""Wait!" I said and ran and grabbed Josh’s phone. I turned it on and began playing Kiss and Control by AFI. I had Ian hold the phone."This is our song. It is totally a love song." I laugh. "Okay continue.""Okay so Satan and I were killing fish-""Wait, shut up! These are our vows."We waited a few moments and then in unison, Sophie and I said, "We all want to die like movie stars you said as you jumped from the height of our cutting room floor. While above us, glowing, exploding, our dreams burst forth in light, in death. Hold me and tell me we’ll burn like stars, we’ll burn as we fall. Watch as city lights dance for us!"We smiled and Kyle continued. "Alicia do you take Sophie to be your semi-lawfully, semi-faithful wife. In sickness, in health, in post- apocalypse, in AIDS, and of Gonorrhea of the eye?""Totally McGee!""How gangster. Sophie do you take Alicia to be your semi-lawfully, semi-faithful wife. In sickness, in health, in post- apocalypse, in AIDS, and of Gonorrhea of the eye?""Yeah."Sarah then placed the handmade handcuffs on us. I turned to Kyle."Okay?"He then said something in German, which I took as an equivalent as ‘kiss the bride.’ So I flung the strap of the handcuffs over her head, around her neck and hugged her. It took us awhile to untangle ourselves and then I turn to Sarah and told her that I had to pee really bad. So Sarah, Sophie and I went out front to Bryan’s car. Sarah and I then proceeded to pee on Bryan’s right front tire. Later Sarah and I told Bryan to sit down, hugged him and told him we peed on his car. He was shocked that we actually did it and then peed on Sarah’s car. After that the people started filtering out as it was getting later and people were going home. I gave Bryan the massage I owed him and then by this time it was almost midnight and I figured I should be heading home so I go a ride with Mike’s brother. Before I left, I congratulated Kyle, telling him he snagged the hardest person alive. Melissa’s longest relationship was like 3 days. Mel doesn’t really like people and pretty much doesn’t do relationships. If they are still together in a week I’ll be surprised. When I got home and told my dad about Mel and Kyle, my dad says, "I always thought Melissa was a good little Christian girl." I almost laughed. My dad thinks Melissa’s a good little Christian girl?! Haha, yeah right. It was a good day though it feels like I still have cool. Ben, Monica, Sophie and I are going to school on Monday for a moment to drop off books they forgot and then we are going to skip and go do something. Somehow it was dumped on me to figure out what to do… I have no idea. Well I have two days to figure it out…
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