I miss him so much.

Its all screwed up. To the point that I don't even feel sane anymore. I was so happy with him and since he broke it off, I feel like a part of me is empty. I was so confident and fine before him but now that we were together I don't know what I had done without him. He, I don't know, he understands. And it hurts because how strongly I feel and all this stuff is one sided. He doesn't feel the same. I'm just crumbling. I want to be with him so badly and its not going to happen. God I wish I could just believe that but I have hope that things will change. It doesn't helps when people think that we should be together or meant to be together or whatnot. I just want to kiss him another time but I know I'll just want to do it again and again. It won't just be "one last time" and that's it. I know that. I get constant flash backs and it kills me. I remember the last time we hung out while we were dating. I was so happy to finally see him that I ran to his house and jumped on him. I would pull back, look into his eyes and I was so happy that I would hug him again. I missed him so much. I never wanted to let go. It was euphoria. Just being with him is. God I miss him. I try so hard not to be clingy or crazy. I don't want to screw up a friendship with him. Having him still in my life is the only thing keeping me from losing it. He makes it so hard to see him though. It seems like something always comes up and we can't hang out. I text him the night before to see if we still are and he will no longer answer. I understand that he needs his alone time and is sometimes busy but we will never answer. I mean if he texts me and tells me he needs to be alone or is busy, I will know and stop texting him. I can't read his mind, you know? I think that he is either mad at me or didn't get my text if he doesn't answer. Is saying something that hard? Anyway, I digress. He doesn't answer when I ask if I ask if we are hanging out so I have to text him the next day and then he usually answers. When he does answer, its always that we can't and by then I'm stuck with nothing to do for that day. Its annoying. I don't see why he can't simply tell me that the night before! Telling me the night before isn't going to make it hurt any less but at least I can try to make other plans so I don't sit at home all day and do something stupid. It just hurts. I hate being let down over and over. Sometimes he'll say that he has to help his dad or something but then later he'll go hang out with someone else. I don't fucking matter I guess. Northeast kids are the scum of the earth to him. Why can't I be the one he hangs out with later? I don't know how hard I have to keep trying. I don't know how much more I can do with sacrificing my feelings. Its killing me. It would just be so nice for him to ask me to hang out (he has only asked twice) and just ONCE be the one to text me to see if we are still hanging out. Then I would know that he actually wants to see me and he isn't just doing it so I'm not bitchy or something. I don't know. I hate what this has made me. I never thought I would be one of these girls.

Tuesday would have been our one year anniversary. I don't even know if he remembered or cared. I didn't talk to him. I sent him a myspace comment hoping that he would talk to me but he didn't. That was one of my lowest days. I missed him so much. I had just kept remembering what I thought would be nice for us to do for our one year when I had thought it up months ago. I had wanted one of us to make a nice, fancy, and romantic dinner then afterwards to go to The Melting Pot for desert. We could have gotten dressed up all nice and it would have been so romantic. Then after desert, I would have gotten nice lingerie to wear for him and we would make love and just be together. I just had this perfect day planned out in my head. We only made it two days shy of nine months. I never got to have someone for Christmas or Valentine's day. But none of those mattered to me like this day had.

I want to be special to him again. I don't know what I did wrong to lose him. I wish I knew what I could change. I know its horrible but sometimes I wish and think things like if I was taller or ate meat or listened to his music that he would still love me. I know its stupid. I just feel that he must think that those things are so stupid about me. Maybe I'm just stupid.

He had another girlfriend for awhile. I want to so badly know what she has that I don't. Again, she is six foot... I don't know. What is wrong with me? What makes me not good enough? I'm losing it. This just hurts.

I miss calling him cupcake and it takes everything I have not to call him sweetheart or sweetie. I imagine me playing with his hair and just touching his face tenderly everytime I remember that I can't call him that anymore. He's no longer my cupcake. He's not my sweetheart. He's not my sweetie. And I'm not his love anymore.

I know there is more but I can't think anymore. Plus I'm crying to hard to see much.