Hahaha well I just heard the greatest comment regarding the presidential candidates.

"I think McCain just blew his chances for office with his poor VP choice. Who are the racist and sexist people going to vote for now?"

Rofl! That is awesome! But I would have to agree with them well partly. I don't like his VP choice. It seems like he chose her just for the women's vote. Plus I disagree with some of the stuff she has done. Also during her speech, she sounded like she is running for the high school cabinet! She just bugs me. I have yet decided on who will get my vote though, McCain or Obama.

So in a change of topics. I found out on the 5th that Tom has been flirting with this girl online and telling her that his girlfriend dumped him and all this shit. I was heartbroken to say the least but I forgave him. He no longer has my trust and my paranoia is definitely worse. But the pain of it made me realize how much I love him. I also told him that I believed he does this because he isn't over Bekka yet and that I feel that he could never love me. That was when he told me that he loved me. I told him that I was going to ignore it and if he meant it to tell me in person when we saw each other on Monday, my birthday. When we saw each other, we hugged for awhile and then he got on his knees and told me that he truly did love me and I told him that I loved him too. That was the reason I forgave him in the first place. I want this to work but I will not take him hurting me and doing this again. Well anyway after this we hugged again and I was holding back tears. When we went to his room to lay down, I just couldn't hold it back and began sobbing. We just laid there crying. Eventually I calmed down and calmed him down. I also noticed the marks he had given himself over the weekend when I was mad at him. That was the worst weekend of my life. I felt awful for wanting him to feel like shit for hurting me, hoping that he would never think of doing it again but I also wanted him not to be hurt because when he is hurt, I am hurt. I am so afraid that it will happen again. I have so many doubts. On Monday I felt finally ready to have sex. I had not a single doubt in my mind but we didn't and so we were gonna the next time we hung out. But the next day, my fear of commitment kicked in and I had all these thoughts. Being that close to someone scares the shit out of me! My guard would be down. I could so easily get hurt. God, I cried so hard. I hate being like this. I love him, I do. I just so badly don't want to get hurt like always but I can never truly be happy and in love if I don't allow room for him to possibly hurt me. But that's so hard. I told him that I was freaking out and he said that we will wait then. He also doesn't want to break my dad's trust. I don't know why he feels so strongly about this. I know that's a good thing and I don't want to break it either but my dad doesn't want me doing it before marriage. Actually he'd prefer I don't do anything sexual. But he doesn't have a problem with us fooling around but having sex feels like breaking his trust. I don't know. Everything seems to worry me. I need to stop doubting everything. I don't know. Its just so hard. I feel like I could never be Bekka. He surrounds himself with her memory. Its no doubt he hasn't gotten over her. He can't go or look anywhere without being constantly reminded of her. It hurts to go on his myspace and there is no indication that we are even dating. Everything is about her. I understand he loved her and that she means a lot and I don't want him doing things because I say I don't like them. I want him to do them on his own. I don't know if I could ever tell him how much just looking at his myspace hurts me. It's even worse when I've had people come and tell me how they think its wrong when they don't see anything about me on his myspace, not even a picture. It only myspace, I know but still I would love a little comment from him every once in awhile to know he is thinking about me or a picture comment or something that shows he cares and misses me or something. I don't want to tell him this because I don't want to tell him to do. I want to be a good girlfriend. I feel like I am being needy and clingy or something. I don't want to scare him off. I want to be happy and he has made me so happy thus far well besides what he did. Now I feel horrible 'cos I am doubting everything and worried that he is possibly using me. I justify that he isn't. I can see he cares for me but the doubt is still there. I don't want it to be like a Spencer where I am being manipulated. God, these are horrible thoughts. He isn't Spencer. He hasn't forced me to do anything sexual to him. He hasn't hit me. He hasn't forced me to do anything that I didn't want to do. He is wonderful to me and is such a sweetheart. Hopefully one day I could tell him my doubts and all of my feelings.